Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I come from a very disfunctional family, 8 years ago when I moved back closer to them I tried to establish a relationship with my older sister. There has been many wrongs done by her to me through the years, but she is my only sister.
When my Tim passed she was in my space every second that she was not at work. She was expecting me to eat with her, but not in a helpfull way as she expected me to make all the food choice decisions. I was not in any state of mind to not only take care of myself but also another person. My Son had flown out to CA to ride Tim's(his Dad's) motorcycle to the funeral in MN. My sister insisted on riding with me in my vehicle to CO to drop off my dogs and then on to the funeral in MN. I was leaving the car and motorcycle in CO and flying back to CA to pack and move.
On the trip she was no help with the dogs and once we picked up the Grandkids in CO she was no help with them either. I purchased the airline tickets from CO to CA (I made them for the wrong date, I had just lost my husband) it wasn't until a week after we returned to CA the she offered to pay for her ticket.
Mind you on the road trip to the funeral she did not pay for anything, food, room or gas. But she did take an evening to go to a casino the night before the funeral to gamble.
My older Brother asked me if I had a picture of the flowers he got for the funeral. I advised him that there were not any flowers or other memory items from him or his family. He then asked what our sister gave to whick I replied nothing. That's when he shared that he had given my sister $100.00 and she obviously had kept it for herself.
I have not been able to have a cordial conversation with her since (Aug, 2013). I have avoided taling to her as my emotions are so raw. I was woke up by a text last night from her to which she wanted to know why I was not communicating with her. It kept my up for several hours running all the wrongs through my head and how I was going to really blast her.
Well after doing some soul searching and realizing that I would not gain anything by doing that I used a technique my Son's and I have adopted since Tim passed. What Would Tim Do? Tim was an amazing kind hearted person. So below is my response to her Question. Why won't you return my calls or text's?
"I really can't answer that for you right now. I am so angry at life that everything, every wrong, every lie, every betrayal weather real or percieved eats at me. So I have choosen to keep my distance from most people at this time. I wish I had a better answer for you but that's all I've got for now. "
Why do people have to be so cruel.
Hugs, Sandi
When my Tim passed she was in my space every second that she was not at work. She was expecting me to eat with her, but not in a helpfull way as she expected me to make all the food choice decisions. I was not in any state of mind to not only take care of myself but also another person. My Son had flown out to CA to ride Tim's(his Dad's) motorcycle to the funeral in MN. My sister insisted on riding with me in my vehicle to CO to drop off my dogs and then on to the funeral in MN. I was leaving the car and motorcycle in CO and flying back to CA to pack and move.
On the trip she was no help with the dogs and once we picked up the Grandkids in CO she was no help with them either. I purchased the airline tickets from CO to CA (I made them for the wrong date, I had just lost my husband) it wasn't until a week after we returned to CA the she offered to pay for her ticket.
Mind you on the road trip to the funeral she did not pay for anything, food, room or gas. But she did take an evening to go to a casino the night before the funeral to gamble.
My older Brother asked me if I had a picture of the flowers he got for the funeral. I advised him that there were not any flowers or other memory items from him or his family. He then asked what our sister gave to whick I replied nothing. That's when he shared that he had given my sister $100.00 and she obviously had kept it for herself.
I have not been able to have a cordial conversation with her since (Aug, 2013). I have avoided taling to her as my emotions are so raw. I was woke up by a text last night from her to which she wanted to know why I was not communicating with her. It kept my up for several hours running all the wrongs through my head and how I was going to really blast her.
Well after doing some soul searching and realizing that I would not gain anything by doing that I used a technique my Son's and I have adopted since Tim passed. What Would Tim Do? Tim was an amazing kind hearted person. So below is my response to her Question. Why won't you return my calls or text's?
"I really can't answer that for you right now. I am so angry at life that everything, every wrong, every lie, every betrayal weather real or percieved eats at me. So I have choosen to keep my distance from most people at this time. I wish I had a better answer for you but that's all I've got for now. "
Why do people have to be so cruel.
Hugs, Sandi
And you are correct that nothing would have been gained and your honest comments would have probably gone right over your sister's head. There are just some people who go thru life clueless and selfish. I have come to believe that it is not necessarily intentional or to be mean, just that they were in the wrong line when God handed out kindness and common sense. So sorry for what you have been through.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with such selfishness, particularly at this time. You're response was perfect, and I agree with Gerald: Tim IS incredibly proud of you.
Hugs,
Terry
I'd like to add my vote to the others! Your answer was honest, but not hurtful, and I think it took a great deal of grace to word it in such a subtle yet sincere way.
Blessings and peace to you . . .
Bandi