Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

3,758 Members
19,465 Posts
0 Online
Death & Dying
/ Widows & Widowers Support Group

Did he not love me enough?

loveddogs
loveddogs
Did he not love me enough, or did he think I didn't love him enough to stay? Every thing seems so pointless, who cares if the dishes aren't done, the house is a mess, the kitchen floor gets installed? He is not here to see it. How do I cook for one? The kids are grieving to I know, but seem to be doing well. Thier crazy lifes keep them busy, but how can they ever understand just how much pain I am in? So many things I wanted to do, fix up the back yard. Now with all the rain my weeds are chest high. He bought me a pond, but then got to sick to ever get it installed. Our camper has been sitting in the driveway for two years. I can barely look at it. Yes I would love to go camping again, but won't have my co-pilot. His family are gathering for a reunion this next weekend. I have no intention of going to all the festivities. His bat shit crazy sister lives here in town and she is the last person I would like to see. Even my husband had said he would like to go, but would not attend if she were there. Guess he has a ligitimate reason for not being there. Two of his sisters I would like to see, but hopefully not at these functions. Not into exposing myself to a group of people, many of them who didn't give a shit about my husband. I know I need to set goals. But right now I just wish I could go to sleep without crying and wake up without crying. Sorry this is a bummer, but just want him back!!
matoacalady
matoacalady
Of course he loved you enough, just as my husband did me....he fought hard for 18 months to stay with me, it just wasn't to be.

At this time your grief is so new and horrific,,,,,all you can do is try to take one moment at the time as hard as that is.

I do understand your pain as mine is so awful and I am only 5 months in.
Community Leadercliffskat
cliffskat
Your questions fall into the "why?" category, and we have all gone through that, too. Some of the why questions get answered, some not. My advice is to do the best you can to put them aside for now. You're in no shape to get any answers right now.

I'd avoid the family gathering. Invite the ones you want to see to come round. Just make sure they know not to bring the batshit crazy one with them. You have a right to choose who you see and when.

Love and Hugs,
Martha
bookdragon
bookdragon
Staying wasn't an option for any of our spouses. One of the last things my husband said to me was that he regretted not seeing out grandsons grow up. He was so proud of his family, especially the little ones, if there was any way he could have stayed he would have. The why we will struggle with for a long time, but we need to get on with the here and now, maybe the answer will come. Until then be kind to yourself. Martha is right you do not need to see any crazy people right now. Hugs-Patti
maryelnew
maryelnew
been where you are, - still am. We've all asked the same questions. I still struggle with it almost daily. Went to a family function yesterday that i wanted to attended and it was almost too much, i have one next week i wasnt sure about, but yesterday showed me would not be the best for me and I do have something else equally pressing to attend to as well, so I wont feel badly
wendimac
wendimac
I'm kind of the same way...but my thinking is more geared toward the questions, 'did I do enough'? 'Is there something else I should have done, or shouldn't have done'? and of course, 'Did he know how much I loved him?' I can't get past the fact that he passed while in a hospice. I had so wanted to get him home...he even asked, begged me, just before he got to the point where he was completely bedridden and unconscious to take him home. At that point, I was afraid that if I did, he would die...now I wish I had.
I really didn't understand his disease anywhere near as much as I thought I did...
npc4204
npc4204
My heart is aching for you, because I remember the questions. We've all had them ... did I do enough? Did he love me? Did he realize how much I loved him?
Questions that can make us crazy!
Of course he loved you!
Our hearts are shattered, and our grief makes us think thoughts we never had before, unreasonable thoughts.

Day by day, hour by hour, that's all any of us can do.
I wish I could give you a big hug, and let you know you're not alone, we're here for you.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I won't go to any family functions where I will be bombarded by "well-meaning" gossip whores! Sorry for the words, it's just the way I feel about the folks who want to know how you're doing [for that minute] and then talk behind your back!

Whether they be family or friends......they're the "cling-ons" in life! They cling-on for the info. that feeds their "stirring-of-the-pot" and then they walk away and leave you hanging.

I don't know what drives these folks but I don't need them in my life anymore!

I need gentle, loving care. I need soft, loving people who will look me square into my eyes and tell me to go comb my hair and change my shirt, because they truly do care about me!

I sure as hell know I don't need fake, ugly acting folks anywhere near me!!!!

Warmly,
Roz
barbarame
barbarame
It is not a question of not loving you enough to stay. Intellectually you know that we are all going to leave this earth - right now your poor heart will not, cannot know. Be assured though that the day of reunion is at hand. You WILL meet again. I have never been more sure of anything! Take baby steps for now,(or none at all if you do not want to) xxx
dschwartz
dschwartz
Follow your heart, without regret. You know what is best for you right now . . forget the rest. My thoughts and prayers are with you. xo, D