Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Yesterday I walked on the beach with my newly widowed friend. It has only been four weeks for her and this was her first outing. I knew what she needed because I have been taking this walk for nearly 5 years. She needed me to have a listening heart, no advice, just to hear her. It couldn't have been a more beautiful day, except for the two women leisurely strolling the shore, stopping only to wipe away tears.
At one point in the conversation I admitted to my friend that the night before my husband died, I was sitting at the computer writing the nightly email to family and friends. His breathing had been at a deafening volume for days, so much so that I put ear plugs in while I sat with him. My anger began to build and build as I thought about his mother, not calling, not visiting while her baby boy was lying here dying. I don't know what came over me but I hit record on the laptop and made a 30 second video of Ron dying. My intention at the time was to call her and say "here, your son would like to talk to you" and press the play button. It sounds terrible to admit this but speaks to the desperation and exhausted state my mind was in. Of course I didn't do it but...I have watched that video, maybe 3 or 4 times.
Instead of seeing shock on my friends face she pulled out her phone and showed me the video she had made of Wayne's last day. All these years I had thought there was something wrong with me A-for making the video and B-for watching it. Is the reality of watching our loved ones die so unbelievable that we feel the need to capture the moment on film, replaying it to confirm, yes they are gone, it wasn't your imagination? Lori
At one point in the conversation I admitted to my friend that the night before my husband died, I was sitting at the computer writing the nightly email to family and friends. His breathing had been at a deafening volume for days, so much so that I put ear plugs in while I sat with him. My anger began to build and build as I thought about his mother, not calling, not visiting while her baby boy was lying here dying. I don't know what came over me but I hit record on the laptop and made a 30 second video of Ron dying. My intention at the time was to call her and say "here, your son would like to talk to you" and press the play button. It sounds terrible to admit this but speaks to the desperation and exhausted state my mind was in. Of course I didn't do it but...I have watched that video, maybe 3 or 4 times.
Instead of seeing shock on my friends face she pulled out her phone and showed me the video she had made of Wayne's last day. All these years I had thought there was something wrong with me A-for making the video and B-for watching it. Is the reality of watching our loved ones die so unbelievable that we feel the need to capture the moment on film, replaying it to confirm, yes they are gone, it wasn't your imagination? Lori
Like Dayna, I replayed that day in my head over and over. I am glad I don't have it on film, but I can understand why you did what you did. I do hope you also have good videos of him living and laughing. I don't have any vids of Cliff, but do have sound recordings and a lot of photos. I try to concentrate on the good times instead now.
Your friend is lucky to have you. I wish I had had someone like you close by!
Love and Hugs,
Martha
I erased the picture that was the most scary but it's forever etched in my mind. I referred to it over and over and over again so that I could see that he truly had died. That he was gone and not just on a business trip or on a fishing trip. I had to see it to believe it. No one understood it, most of all me.
The picture served as a focus point for me. And, I'm so glad that I had done it.
I, like you, thought there was something wrong with me and when I talked about it, I was told, "what a terrible thing to do!"
Thank you for the validation.
Roz
Hugs,
Janie
We talked about his prognosis honestly and made the time worthwhile. But the only day he didnt get out of bed was the day he returned to his heavenly home. He was strong til the end and I know it was his final gift to us. Sharon