you said it so eloquently~ there is not much to add to your comment I agree 100 percent couldn't of said it any better Thank-You...

I totally agree with you and also "you are strong and you will get thru this." My wife told me she didn't want to be the one to stay behind, now I know what she means.

Good to hear from you! Yes, I have had every possible stupid unthinking thing said to me over these last 8+ months. Did you see the recent discussion post about "being lucky"? That's another thing I keep hearing. People sometimes say things they think will make you feel better or help you feel stronger, but it rarely works. Some mean well, and some are just clueless so they say the first thing that comes into their heads. I had one supposed 'friend' tell me that she knew I didn't want to be "treated with kid gloves" - and managed to do it on a day when I really needed extra kindness and gentleness because I was feeling as fragile as glass. You have to ignore the trite platitudes, the unthinking comments, they cannot possibly understand - even the ones who sincerely want to help. They don't know, they don't understand. I sometimes wonder how some of these people will fare once they find themselves on this painful journey. Again, good to hear from you - Hugs!

I also agree 100%, as if we didnt know its a part of life. I'm sure we have all heard our share of cliche comments that are supposed to help. Like one day at a time, (obviously - because some of us find that hard as it is)
or Time Heals...(losing a partner or spouse i dont think ever 'heals' we just learn how to deal.
Of course these comments come from people who mean well or have good intentions, but until its experienced first hand, no one knows how bad we really hurt.

So true!!!!! Great wording.

What about "I'm so proud of you - you're holding up so well!"? The people that say that are the ones that don't know how you are completely immobilized by your grief once you're out of sight of all of the sympathetic eyes that expect you to be strong. That you spend your evenings looking at the four walls around you and pray they would just fall in and consume you?

"This too shall pass" - THE most clich thing I keep hearing over & over.

I know people are just trying to be kind and helpful, but sometimes I wish they would keep their thoughts to themselves - because they haven't walked in our shoes and can't possibly know what to say.

This comment really upset me...Better luck next time, u need to chose better next time. Why do some people talk about the loss of a loved one like its just a break up or something. I know breakups are hard but death is way harder for me anyway. In the beginning I kept hearing u will find someone else u are still young. The last thing on my mind is finding another man, my husband was my soulmate and he can never be replaced. I am so sorry that people have said such hurtful things to you. My prayers are with you because I know its not easy.

I was just remembering something a well-meaning, but less than eloquent person sent me by e-mail. She assured me that, in addition to God's love being with me, that "time heals all wombs" (what does my uterus have to do with anything?) and that "God will never give you more than you can bare" [as opposed to "bear"] (uh, I wasn't planning on being a bikini-clad pole dancer - and I'm not worried about my weight, so -?) Maybe this is another reason people shouldn't fall back on cliches....

I agree 100% I keep hearing be glad you had 17 years. Yes I was very blessed but I was hoping for 30 more. I really think people mean well, just don't know how to say things. At this point there isn't much anyone can say except be there for us, support us. Hugs to all, Pam

It is so sad. People mean well but their words can add to our grief. we all now death is to be for everyone but as for it being an easy, glib thing, think again. it is the one thing that is never on time from our viewpoint, too early for some, my son was 45 and too late for others with alzheimers etc. those who talk quick have not yet had their seasons of grief, i try not to get angry when they hurt me for their turn may be right around the corner and then i hope to show them more kindness and consideration Lord willing, i certainly am being trained my son and husband 3 months apart. Thanks for listening all

The death of a spouse does bring such a devastating sense of loss and sadness that I believe can only really be understood by those of us who have experienced it. We are left with a life we didn't plan for and a life we don't really want. The platitudes and clichs are many and varied but are said simply because those poeple just don't relaly understand and maybe at least they are trying in their own way to offer some support and comfort. I don't get as angry with them any more and i have learned a good come back when I'm asked how I am now (stupid question or what???). I tell people I'm "fine" thinking to myself that "fine" is an acronym standing for "fxxxed up, insecure, neurotic and exhausted", which is really how I feel.

I couldn't agree with you more. I have to agree that people that haven't been through the death of a loved one have no clue and yes - they can say the dumbest things even thought they mean well. About 2 months after my husband died, a girl at work said " you never know, you just might meet the love of your life some day". What in the hell does she think my husband was? and that is exactly what I told her. I try not to let these dumb comments affect me anymore. Like cliffskat, i can't tell you how many dumb comments I've heard over these past 8 1/2 months.

That first month I tried a counselor who specialized in grief counseling. I went 2 and a half times. The first time I was crying and she called my daughter in and said I think it would help if you and your children spent a few nights with her. First mistake calling my daughter in without asking me, second thinking her bringing 4 kids over would be helpful. Second time she said you are doing great everything seems to be normal, well it wasn't and if it was why did I need her. Third time she overstayed with another patient and took the 30 minutes off my time. I didn't go back. People say dumb and hurtful things but you shouldn't have to pay $125.00 an hour to hear it. About a week after the funeral someone called and gave condolences but before she hung up she said your still young you'll find someone else. It went through me like a knife to the heart that she would think almost 38 years together that she should even think that much less verbalize it.

pneylan just loved your acronym for fine. I will feel so much better every time I say it now. xx

I'm glad that people at work ask how you're doing and I just say, "okay". My MIL will ask when I call "how are you really feeling", my next replay is going to be "it sucks!!" That's going to be my next reply when I don't want to say "okay" because that not how I feel.