I had the exact same experience and it also was cancer. I know he knew I was there even though he couldn't respond. I squeezed his hand and he squeezed back. A day later I squeezed his hand and I felt the attempt of a squeeze back. Next day the same as you explain above. Exactly. We were married happily for 41 years. God Bless you. We can live through this though it was the hardest thing of our life. Life is tough I believe. You and I did all we could.

We had been married for 47 years when my husband died from cancer of the larynx. I could not wake him up that morning, his skin felt cold to me, so I called 911. He was transported to a hospital in a rural town, then to one in a larger community, which is where he died. My son, daughter and I were all with him when he died. He was unconscious almost the entire day, except he woke up for a few seconds in the ER. From when I tried to wake him up until he died was about 12 hours. We had a conversation months earlier and his wishes were that he not be kept alive artificially and my wish was that he not suffer any more pain. Both wishes were granted. I feel very blessed that his last day (before the day of his death) he spent at home and slept that night in his own bed. His death was very peaceful. The hospital staff were positively outstanding in the care they took of us.

I do! I replay the last couple minutes in my head ALL THE TIME. And I try not to! My husband suffered! And I had to watch him and hold him and tell him it was okay. And it wasn't! Don't get me wrong, I am so happy he is no longer suffering, and that is the only reason I was able to let him go! But the selfish part of me wanted him to stay. To wake up and say ONE LAST I love you! And he couldn't. I replay the pain in his face and it kills me! Then I replay the last week with him! And I wish I had done and said thing differently! Everything happened so fast! I try to remember the good times, and all I see his His last breath. Your not alone! I wish I could tell you how to block it out. Truth is I haven't found a way to do so myself! But if I ever do, I'll be sure to let you know. B.c I know how it feels to only be able to see that one moment in your head! And have so many questions you want answered!

I'm sorry you are going through this! Its hard! I was only with my husband for 6 years married for One. You were blessed with many years with your husband! Charish the memories you have! If you ever need to talk, I'm here!

Yea, Cancer really does Suck!!

I was there when Don died and it was a very profound experience. Don had liver and throat cancer. He reacted to his chemo and was in hospital getting worse hour by hour. He asked to go home to die. I knew he was close to death but I honored his request and within a few hours he was home and hospice was there. He was alert when they brought him in but quickly became incapable of communication. Not even a squeeze of the hand. I felt he could hear me so I talked to him, held his hand, sponged off his face, adjusted the pillow. Anything to let him know I was there and cared. I knew the moment he passed. There was no struggle, no sigh, no physical sign. What happened was so profound. I suddenly felt him pass through my body. I felt his message to me of complete joy. I knew this was Don because I myself was in complete misery. I was dying too. There was no joy in it for me. The moment of our souls touching was brief but enough that I knew that Don had just transitioned and that he was pain free and in joy. That was such a special gift I received. One that has kept me going on when all I really wanted was to die too. I told the hospice nurse he was gone. As she slowly made her way over she was telling me that it looked that way but it takes people a long time...yada yada ....I just looked at her and she checked him and then confirmed he was gone.

My husband had a heart attack late Sunday night. He was in the hospital - mostly sedated - until he died Tuesday afternoon. I was in the room when he coded. I didn't know what was happening and why about 10 staff were coming into the room. They asked me and my family to leave, but thankfully my sister in law grabbed me and told me to stay. She is an echocardio tech and was watching his monitor and so knew what was happening. I did not get to hold his hand or be immediately at his side when he left as staff was surrounding his bed, but I was in the room. It is a "regret" that i wasn't holding him in that moment, even though I had no control of the situation. I replayed those last moments over and over again for the first 3 months, I would say. When I opened my eyes in the morning, the first thing I would think of/see was those moments in the hospital. I still think of it from time to time but not nearly as much. I do wonder what he felt, what he knew, what he heard. My heart breaks for those of you that had to watch your spouses suffer through their disease. My husband's death was sudden and unexpected but without much, if any, of that.

Jess46 One thing that was suggested to me to help with the constant replaying of things was to write out the experience in pain staking detail (so your mind doesn't feel like it has to hold onto it to remember) and then try to let it go. I didn't do it, so can't say if it would help, but it seems like it might. I did journal a lot and had started writing about it all very soon after it happened so got some of it down. Journaling has been very helpful for me. I write letters to him so that I can say all the things I wished I would have.

Peace to you all,
Kate

I was with my hubby the last few days before he died and during his last breaths. He was sedated by hospice and in a hospice bed. The last night I slept on the sofa next to him and took his blood pressure and pulse. He was breathing rapidly, 123 bpm. Then the next day, on a Friday also, he was being washed by the nursing staff and they let me talk to him and hold him while he seemed to evaporate. My heart is hurting. I even have a hard time reaching out to others who want me to. Life if lonesome as my kids are grown and I see them here and there but nobody to keep me company like he did. I put his picture away because it is painful to see him. Then I take it out because I miss him. This has been almost 2 months and I feel like he left me yesterday, at age 74. I am 70. I am looking forward to following him but not just yet. I want to see my family as they grow. Next week we will bury his ashes and I want it to all be over with. So much sadness. Baron

Yes, I was there right by my husband, John, at the hospice. He was admitted to the hospice at 4:30p.m. that day. I slept right there in the room on the couch. The next morning the hospice nurse came over and showed me that John was starting to mottle, which means his skin was turning purple and red because of no blood flow He was on oxygen. She suggested he be taken off oxygen, I panicked, and asked her, "what are you asking me to do, take off his oxygen."? She said it would just be hours before he died. I could not believe this was happening. When I finally let the nurse take off his oxygen tube, I was right there with him, he took his last breaths just barely 5 minutes later. I called the nurse, she came in. I felt a strong pressure jerk go through my body. Was that John's spirit charging through me? I'll never know. The nurse timed his time of death 12:15 p.m. I was crying in hysterics, just telling him, "John, I'm wearing my wedding ring. You will always be my big, strong, handsome, Italian man. The mortuary guy came there, and I stood at attention while they wheeled his body on a guerney into the funeral car. I followed him to the very end. We were married for 30 years. He died one year ago, on August 5, 2015. It still haunts me to this day, especially at night, when I lay in bed listening to our favorite radio songs, the time at night I am with him, singing songs to him. It is called post traumatic stress, yes, the loss of your spouse causes this. I will never forget this big, strong man, his eyes imploring me, "Am I dying." What have I done this past year? I don't know.

I wish peace and comfort to all of us here on this forever journey of grief. Bless you all.
Love, Nanette

Christy called me to the bathroom at about 1 pm. My office was right next door so I was there in little time. She was looking cyanotic and asked how was her color. I told her I was going to call 911 but before I could she stopped breathing. I can't get that image out of my head. I stare at old photos trying to replace it but.

My wife suffered from dementia for 3 1/2 years. I was her primary caregiver, feeding, sponge bathing, changing her diapers, even inserting/removing urinary catheters. On her last day, she died peacefully in her favorite easy chair. I was at her side. I mean to tell you that she really suffered with that terrible disease I wouldn't wish on anyone.

You know, she was able to beat a number of physical impairments including two bouts with cancer, and the dangerous Whipple procedure in which surgeons removed 1/2 of her stomach, part of the pancreas, and the entire duodenum ... but she lost to dementia,

My beautiful wife died from pancreatic cancer a year ago. I brought her home and did hospice for 2 weeks. She had a very rough time and fought it until the very end, I was holding her and telling her how much I loved her. The image is still in mind and will probably never leave.

My husband passed away from renal cancer. He had no idea that he was even sick; he felt fine except he was losing weight and did not know why. After seeing his doctor, through a scan, a tumor on the kidney was discovered. This was in September 2009; he died in March 2010. It took a very long time before I could push the night he died out of my mind. I was there, sitting by his bedside holding his hand, although he was totally out of it. All of a sudden, a nurse rushed into the room and told me "he was going." I could not believe it. I cried at him telling him how much I loved him. It was unbelievable to me that he was gone. As I learned in the grief group that I attended for over a year after John passed away, whenever I think of that night, I push it out of my mind and try to think of the healthy John and when we were together having a good time. I still think of him every single day and know that I will love him until the day that I die.
Roxanne

They took him back to intubate him and 4 hours later he passed away after we were told he was "fine and stable", yet they wouldn't allow us to see him and they kept telling us that he would be up to his room in "15 minutes." 4 hours they lied and when we finally demanded to see him, less than an hour later he was gone. I watched his ears go from warm to blue and felt his body grow cold under my embrace. It was completely devastating. He went in for a cough and what we thought was pneumonia and 4 days he was in the ER because the hospital was "too booked" to get him a room in ICU where he needed to be. So many regrets. Why didn't we move him elsewhere? Why didn't we demand more? Why didn't we know? It was his heart. 37 years old fit young man who loved life and was never sick. They failed him and I failed him. He spent 4 days in an ER room and horrible medical care. They just don't care about patient's like they used to and my sweet Clint paid the price. I just wanted to warm him back up so he could wake up and be okay but it didn't work. He was gone and so was I after that.

Jonesce78 - the system may have failed him, but know that you did not. The answer to your questions is because you had no idea what was going to happen. I asked myself the same things...why did I not rebook that angiogram appointment that he had cancelled? why did I not not push him harder and sooner to take care of the things I thought weren't right? I didn't because I had no idea he really was a walking time bomb. If I had known in November that he was going to have a heart attack on Dec 27, I would have done everything differently (and pretty sure he would have to). But we didn't know. Nobody did. We did, or didn't do, what was best in that moment with the information we had. I did give myself sometime to think all that through. I tried to talk it through with others. Mostly, the response was, "let it go, it doesn't matter now". Honestly, that angered me. I even told someone after hearing it enough that they did not get to tell me what matters and what doesn't. I needed time to think it all through and to come to that place for myself. I wished I had known differently, but I didn't. And I carry no guilt about it now. I hope you can get to that place also and to know that you did everything you thought was best in that moment.

I was at work and my wife called me to ask when I was coming home. When I arrived she needed help to the bathroom in a wheelchair. Halfway to the bathroom she tilted her head back and could not breathe. I managed to get her back to the couch and at that moment hospice arrived. They helped me elevate her head and she started sighing-as if she was exhausted. She died seconds later ending her almost 3 year battle with stage 4 colon cancer. Looking back I beat myself up for not staying home that day. She had been so independent, although I knew the end was near I did not know it would happen that day. I am grateful I was with her and that I did not come home to find her gone-that would have been unbearable for me.

My husband lived 42 days from diagnosed to death he feel asleep 6 days before he died ..he had acute amyloid leukemia..we would be married 34 years in November..