Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I have been feeling very clingy towards my husbands friends lately. I am uncomfortable with this emotion because I am begining to feel a little desperate for thier attention. I had a few weeks of great sharing with them but the conversation is gone. I'm sure their grief is hard too and they would like to get back to their lives. I know I can't expect them to turn their lives upside down so I tell myself to 'cool it' but the emptiness is so lonely. I was thrilled to relive these fond memories but now that it is gone I am spiraling into black grief again. How do you deal with the loneliness.
As we look back on those first days and weeks of loss, we become aware that we were the center of attention for a brief time. Everyone tried to attend to our needs both emotional and physical, talking to us about our loved one, being there to help with decisions, bringing us food, the non-stop array of cards, and concerned phone calls from friends and family. Eventually the calls stop, the conversations no longer focus on us and our needs, our loved one's name is seldom mentioned, and we are expected (non-verbal, of course) to begin our day as though nothing earthshaking has happened. It takes us by surprise to say the least.
I admire that you recognize the course your journey is taking, and you have rightly described the desperate need to grasp the comfort that your friends and family offered you. Hearing your spouse's name in conversation as well as others deferring to you and what you are thinking has been your new world for the last few weeks; now even that is changing. You have entered another level of grievingyour wonderful friends and family are resuming their lives (and rightfully so), and you feel dismissed. Please know that this seems to be a normal sequence of events that challenges the survivor. You are eons ahead of the game by recognizing this along with knowing that it will push your friends away if you hold too tight and cling. It's painful, not fair, but it is the honest truth of loss.
My suggestion would be to carry your hurt and disappointment as gracefully as possible, cry in the shower, and treat your friends as you would want to be treated. When you have the inner strength to do so, ask about their lives, activities, etc., and show that you are concerned for them also. They will respond more favorably to that than if you try to force compassion. That would most definitely push people away, and soon you would be avoided at all cost.
As I mentioned before, it should not have to fall upon us to carry our burden of loss as well as trying to make others comfortable in our presence, but it just seems to be the way it is. After much time, you will find that your friends will want to include you because you did not force your sorrow upon them. It's a hard road to travel with all the emotions you are trying to handle. I hope you will find comfort from DS friends who understand your loss and are here to listen, care, and help. I also hope you will still feel the need to maintain your other friendships with those who have not yet suffered such devastation. They cannot possibly know the depth of your pain and grief.
The loneliness will forever be challenging, but it does not have the power to destroy us. I do not want my future or my family to remember me as one who gave up. I want to live and honor the love and years that I was privileged to share with my husband. My glass was waaaaay more than half full. What a great life we shared! Blessings to you. TJ
I was so excited a friend had me for dinner - its kept me going, than I went snowmobiling Sat. with daughter/grandkids
I was alone for sev yrs before meeting Roger (remeeting him he was a co worker previously) so kinda got used to being alone & even than the loneliness is not fun. I went into our marriage feeling how good I will have a companion until I am old & grey & soon to depart this world than bammm.
This to me is a big issue starting over again all alone.
Hang in there. Hugs, Tami
I read your comment to this post and wanted to respond to your question '...it gets harder, not easier. Does anyone else notice this or have this problem?'
For me (we all are different in how we approach things), after 5 1/2 years, I can cope with my loss so much easier than during those first months. There were so many adjustments to being without my husband. I met him at 14 and married at 17, so living on my own was a HUGE first (as with many on DS). That being said, I had to 'learn on the fly.' It took a while, but my confidence grew, I learned to step out in faith, and I learned that life could be enjoyable once again. If I had my druthers, I would, of course, opt to have my husband by my side, but I can't and that leaves me with limited choices.
Those first months were laden with fear, low self-confidence, and an extreme desire to run from what was so suddenly dumped in my lap. Where I am now compared to all the uncertainties of the beginning of my loss leaves me with a comfortable no-brainer. I choose now. I will never stop missing my husband, but I know that his memory will be with me until I take my last breath. All that he imparted to me while we were husband and wife, I continue to tap into as I am challenged with unfamiliar predicaments. I still freak out on occasion and I still shed my share of tears. But I don't let it worry me because the occasions are fewer, and, most importantly (thank goodness), I have a contact list of people and places when I can't figure things out :>).
Blessings as we travel this road together. TJ