I don't believe there is such a thing as too soon. That would be setting standards, and there are none for so-called proper behavior, other than what one conceptualizes in their mind. Some are ready right away, some take years, and some simply won't ever be ready or even desire another relationship.

The fact that he wasn't talking about his wife and conveying his grief can mean different things. Possibly he just can't talk about it, as it is too painful. He may have been married 30 years, but that doesn't mean they were that close, or got along well. Who knows. We can't assume anything. We can only speculate as to motives until we really know the person and their circumstances.

I will echo others here that say that you are a good person that would be as concerned as you are for him and his family. I thank you for that. I lost my wife of 40 years about 17 months ago of breast cancer. My son and his wife and baby moved in with us just before Donna was diagnosed and has stayed with me after her passing. Having said that I have never felt as alone as I have since she passed even though the house is very busy, especially with a 3 year old in the house. The loneliness sometimes is profound. I don't think I would ever get married again but it would be good to have someone to go out to eat with, maybe see a movie with once in a while. I think having a relationship with a widow or a widower could be complicated. It has to be completely open and honest I believe. One has to know that the widow/widower will always and forever love their departed spouse. At least I will and guess most will unless as some said they grew apart before their passing.

Sorry for being wordy, this is a topic I have been thinking about. Glad you asked it....

First of all, I join several others here who acknowledge your sensitivity to his situation. Seems like there is more than one opinion here, so thought I'd just throw mine in, too.

We are all unique individuals. And each of us comes to grip with our loss differently. Relationships were different. Timelines and circumstances preceding our losses were different. Some spouses died too young, and without warning. Others were debilitated, suffered terribly, and needed full time care long before they took their final breath. Some have years to "say goodbye" and "grieve in advance". And others are traumatized by the unexpected trauma of loss. And many widows/widowers fall somewhere in between.

The debate as to when to start dating is always present. Each of us has our own timeline. And there really are no right or wrongs. Casual dating, new friendships with the opposite sex, and even falling into a "relationship" is not the same as jumping into a marriage.

If he'd lost his wife 5 years ago, would you be interested? Is your caution simply related to the fairly recent death of his wife? (Remember, he may have "lost" her much longer ago) Talk to him. Listen to him. And try to get a sense for his relationship with his kids. When and if the time is right, you can meet them and talk to them too, and express your concerns.

There are always people eager to pass judgement. And there will always be people who will support you. Whatever you decide is between you and this man. He may be readier than anyone here, and may just been feeling lonely desperation. Only open dialogue will help you figure (and him!) that out.

Good luck!

Hi Patty,

I am a widow and I have remarried, to a widower. I was widowed November 2007, my new husband is also a member of this group, having been widowered in August 2007. I have been a Community Leader for this group at DS for almost 3 years now.

Some observations for you if I may....

First, he asked you out for coffee and a second date. He did not ask you to marry him. He is getting to know you, just as you should be getting to know him. I don't know why you are panicking over this. This concern is more about your beliefs than about his pain. Isn't it kind of early to be worrying about his?

Second, what would you have had him do instead? You are not much removed from being strangers, right? It would not have been reasonable for him to reveal all the intimate details of his pain and loss over 2 dates, would it? Should he have cried into his coffee? Did you reveal all the pain of your loss (via your divorce) during those 2 dates? Probably not. At least I hope not. That would have been awkward for both of you. There are details about past relationships that are very personal and not easily shared.

Third, what's wrong with having friends? What's wrong with seeking company? If he has put the moves on you to try and get you into bed after 2 dates, that's another story, but you have not indicated that. The best relationships start as friendships. If he has been creepy, sure, then I would walk away.

Fourth, grieving and falling in love again are not mutually exclusive. My new husband and I, and a half a dozen other couples that arose just out of this group are living proof of that. You may find this discussion helpful - it's old, but a number of people on the bereaved side of things have found it helpful in dealing with the conflicting emotions we go through, and perhaps it will give you an insight into what your fellow is going through. I wrote it after becoming engaged to my new husband:

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Widows_Widowers/forum/9040500-great-debate-and-two

My spin on all of this? Is that you should relax and slow down, take your time, and give this fellow a chance. If you are uncomfortable with him, you may want to ask yourself why you are so uncomfortable. Is it possible that you are both newly re-entering the dating world? Dating in mid-life is very different from when we were all young, but can be just as scary.

A final note: if this fellow was his wife's caregiver through her final illness, he has already proved himself worthy. If you have never been that kind of caregiver, it would be hard to make you understand the tumult of emotions that go with that.

Just my two cents.... I hope it helps.

Hugs,
Martha

I'm a male. I went on my first date 6 months after my wife died. There were some guilty feelings but I imagine that would have happened regardless of how long I waited. I don't regret not waiting longer. It's different for everyone. Like some have said, some people grieve and mourn prior to the actual death. I think I did that a bit. I thought my wife was going to die 4 months before she actually did. She then remained in the hospital for those 4 months. A full recovery was expected but she never came home. So by the time she actually did die I had already been raising our daughter alone for 10 months. I knew she would have been okay with it and we even touched on the topic slightly at times (and she talked to friends about it as well). I received nothing but support from people. I still have hard times and sad moments but that doesn't mean I'm not ready. It might be the same for him. I can imagine it's tough to be on the other side but I think all you can do is take his word for it. If he's truly not ready that will surface eventually.

I am a widowed woman and the first year I could not even think about dating. But soon after the one year mark I started thinking about it. There is a void in your life that no one will ever be able to fill but you come to the realization that life is short and if you don't want to be alone in your golden years then you have to bite the bullet and try to meet someone. They will never replace your spouse. I tried online dating and have met two men who I liked very much. The first was right after I started the online dating. He is divorced with baggage and some self esteem issues but we are heading to one year off and on more off than on but recently contacted me with a Valentine email.
From what I have learned in support groups is everyone is different and it seems Men move on sooner than women. If you like him and he likes you then I would say go for it!!!
Time is short!

I have to tell ya My Husband and I were peas and carrots, , I am thinking on dating again ,, My husband and I have spoke about this regularly before he past ,, he told me the only way to heal is to move forward and made me promise that I would, he told me even if I had to force myself to ,,to do it, he said he did not want me being lonely,. and he was right cause lonely is what I am. I am 6 months out. on a grief path ,, I am doing counseling and understanding what I am feeling . I don't see me going to bed with anyone yet, ,but to have a male friend and get out sometimes,, I think would move me forward again I think he knew what he was talking about. It's not some thing I would let my family in or his family in yet,, but eventually it has to be..I don't think I would put this guy off,, he sounds to me to know what he needs. how many people do you know can say that?? fate being what it is,,you call the pace..Good luck,,

Dorothy ^!^