Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
May 20th 2017, I lost the love of my life, Charles Zammit. I struggle dealing with his death everyday. The pain is intense ... physically and emotionally. I have lost a part of me. I have a difficult time waking up in the morning and functioning at work. I still cry at work ... trying to control my sobs, not wanting my co-workers to feel uncomfortable.
My days are busy. I get panic attacks. I try desperately to focus on my tasks but my mind keeps waiting for my work phone to ring or my mobile to notify me of a text message. I miss him so much. Whenever I would get overly stressed about work, I would call him and he would say "relax baby, breath, everything will be ok". He was my anchor. He kept things into perspective. I feel so alone ... I've never felt so lonely in my life.
His death was sudden. His heart wasn't well. Between the cardiologist and heart transplant doctors ... no one looked into his kidney function.
We went to spent the day at his brother's house by the lake (over 1 1/2 hour drive from the city hospital where he was being seen). Charles wasn't well, he kept on falling. Called 911, he was rushed to the hospital by the nearby town. While in emergency, they managed to stabilize him; but once he was brought up to ICU - that was it. Whatever they were doing to him, his body couldn't handle it.
End of life doctor came to advise him that they needed to put him on life support. Charles quick response was "no way". End of life doctor left and came back and basically told us that if Charles wasn't put on life support to be able to put him on dialysis he would die very soon.
Charles not knowing what to decide ... looked at me and asked "baby, what do you think?" I looked at him not knowing the answer and responded "I don't know, what do you think?" Charles asked me in return "should we try?" I said "ok". Told him I love him soooo much. He responded with "YOU HAVE NO IDEA".
I rushed out of the room with tears and let the doctor and nurse to put him on life support so they could make him better
Well, as so much time was going by ... I would frantically pace by his room to find out what was going on. The nurse said they were having a difficult inserting the tube. When I was called to go back into the room, a nurse was manually pumping to keep Charles alive.
I was in shock ... not expecting this. I thought for sure they were going to put him under so they could get him on dialysis. He nurse stopped pumping ... and my love, my air, my everything was gone.
Charles and I went to high school together and connected years later "26 years later on Facebook". I was going through a separation with my husband and Charles was my hero, my angel to keep me sane.
It was our turn to be together, finally AND he was taken from me. I don't know how to go on with life. I miss him terribly. I miss everything about him. He gave me strength and I need him
This pain will never go away. It hurts so much. How could I possibly live without him. He was shy of his 54th Birthday. It was our turn to be together
Hugs
I am so sorry for your loss! It hasn't been that long for you, and some of the others who have written. I know you probably don't want to hear it, but, time really does help ease the horrible pain of first losing your spouse. I remember only too well the PAIN of loss, and the absolute horrible feeling way down deep inside. My husband died of sudden cardiac syndrome, so unexpectedly. The shock was tremendous!! I hope never to feel that type of pain and loss again.
As time goes on, and it does, the pain and shock lessens. It doesn't go away, but, the horrible pain does. You will adjust, and therefore, life will begin to come back into focus. We always will remember the pain and loss. We always remember our spouse and always love them. On special days for you as a couple, or birthdays, etc. you will have some emotional feelings Sometimes, it will be worse than others, but, truly, you do adjust and the crying and the loss becomes less and you move on with your life. Never to forget, but to live from day to day.
My thoughts and prayers are with you all. God Bless. Joely
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