I am so sorry! I have lost two family members to suicide. The shock from this type of loss is so overwhelming. You will be numb for awhile. Let the pain and sorrow come out. You have found a wonderful site where we are all friends and support each other on this grieving journey! There is also a lLowsoss from suicide group on this site. Reach out to them also. I am wrapping my arms around you and asking God to guide you. Sue

All there is to do in the early days is just hang on minute by minute, hour by hour. I didn't know that horrible physical pain actually existed but remember it well, together with the endless crying. It eventually subsides a bit, just hang on. I'm so sorry. Please come here any time for support or just to see you're not alone. Hugs, Sandy

My saying I am sorry probably doesn't cut it right now, but please know that I understand to a degree. My father committed suicide with a gun as well. I was 14. Please be kind to yourself right now. Take things one moment at a time. Allow the people around you to hold you up when you yourself can't. As someone who has dealt with a lot of family depression...this was not your fault. For him, it was about stopping the "pain" in that moment that he couldn't find another way to stop during that snap shot. Please continue to reach out.

Butterflyluvr... I am so very sorry for your loss. It is difficult enough to lose a loved one - I believe harder when that person has died by suicide.
I encourage you to try and get some help for yourself. I know in my area we have suicide survivors help groups - perhaps they have some in your area as well. The Arizona Suicide Prevention Coalition may be a resource for you to check into - their website is at www.azspc.org.
As the others have said, take gentle care of yourself, allow yourself time to grieve, cry as much as you need to.
sending big hugs...

I am so sorry for this tragic loss. Words fail me
just know I am thinking of you and you have the kindest, caring support in this DS family. We are here to help you through this shock and painful time.
Warm hug and caring prayer for you,
Sandra.

Butterflylvr, I'm sorry for your heartbreaking loss.I don't have any close experience with suicide. Despite your terrible loss, there is benefit in gathering as much information as possible on resources for survivors and forming your own "toolkit" for comfort and healing. Please keep reaching out even when all you want to do is curl up in a ball and scream.

Hi Butterfly,

Thanks for immediately reaching out for support. The word suicide scares me quite frankly, as I have been on that cliff in the past . . . unless one has been there, it is a difficult mind-set to explain. Just know that this was HIS choice and you or any other couldn't have loved him enough to save him. The pain runs deeper than one can fathom or heal in his case. Please do not buy into guilt, or that you could have been better, done more, loved more. This was his journey and unfortunately, you are caught in the wake of the aftermath.

I strongly suggest that you get into a survivor's support group in your area as soon as possible. There you will find others' that have travailed and survived this horrid journey you are now faced with. Along with that, on-line support groups are available such as this one and another here on DS to fill in the gaps when you are feeling alone and shattered.

My deepest condolences to you. I wish I could physically hold you and tell you that you will survive this. YOU WILL, although it doesn't feel like it right now. Let yourself grieve and feel the pain today, without projecting too much in the tomorrow. Baby steps and it will take some time. Be gentle with self and know that you are never alone. We are here walking beside you, in front of you and behind you 100%.

Sending lots of healing energy your way. Big Big Hugs. Dayna

Praying for you. May God hold your hand through this difficult time.

There are no words to express the sorrow I feel for you. Know only this;
he was received with compassion and unconditional love - no judgement. So it is here, nobody can judge him. We can only offer all the love and compassion to you and his family at this time and to assure you that you will not be asked to endure this alone.((gentle hugs))

Try to have people around you at home if possible. Try to accept any kind of help they can give you, such as dishes, laundry, errands, food prep, anything. It matters and it helps them to feel less powerless. Try not to be alone too much.

A simple follow-up Ms. Butterfly . . . I hope that you have found some solace within and truly feel the support you have found here. Often time, there are no words one can express to meet your emotional needs at present. Forgive us when we are at a loss for words. I continue to send out my prayers and condolences (easy cop-out word, sorry) . . perhaps empathy is better, as I do understand your level of loss. It is BEYOND comprehension right now and nothing is going to make much sense for a while. Just hang in there with your baby steps, one moment at a time. Breathe . . . and know you are here, perhaps left behind, but remain here for a reason. Biggest hug and prayers to you. Please continue to reach out as you feel necessary and are able to do so. xoxo, Dayna

I am sitting here with my mouth dropped open. Holy cow! This is so, so hard. No wonder you're feeling paralyzed.....it's so shocking and so scary for me to hear it, I can only imagine what this nightmare feels like for you.

The fog you're in is a good thing. It's your minds way of protecting you from too much overload. Let it happen, don't try to fight that fog, just go with it and let those tears come. They're also your bodies way of cleansing and allowing you to feel.

I'm going to tell you that I'm so, so sorry because it's true, I am, but there's really nothing anyone can say to take away your pain right now. You must go through it but please know; you are not alone. You are taking every one of us along this journey with you.

Keep sharing your thoughts and feelings with us and we'll absorb some of your suffering and hopefully abate some of the pain.

No one and I mean NO ONE can do this journey for you. It hurts so much, I know and I, again, am so, so sorry that you're doing it, in such a truly painful way! It's not fair, it shouldn't be........but it is and YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!

We're here for you and I'm sending my powers of love to you and wrapping my long arms around you, and planting a huge, wet kiss on your teary cheek.

My Love To You,
Roz