Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Ok, it has been a rough week at work.
My boss has moved into a new house and she invited us all to a cookie exchange there on a Monday night. The gist is you have to bake 4 dozen homemade cookies and then you get to take home some of everyone else's. There is a 50% chance of rain and it doesn't start until 6pm. I get off work at 3:30pm and am about a forty minute drive from my home. I not only don't want to sit around with people I work with on a Monday night, I don't want to eat other people's cookies that have been sick or have family members sick, and I can't stand to listen to them complain that their husband has bought them a gift for Xmas and now they have to figure out what to get him, and whine about how they are just so busy because they just have too much to do during the holidays. I responded that I wasn't coming but thanks anyway but I feel like I am being shunned and regarded as anti-social.
Am I becoming a recluse?? My son doesn't understand why I feel guilty about saying No. He points out the long commute I make each day and we don't need 4 dozen cookies and they all live 15 minutes from where this will be. One girl at work says I always say No so that is why they don't ask me to go eat with them any more for lunch. I go places with other friends outside of work. I try to be nice to the work group but their silly comments drive me nuts! I hate to be tagged as anti social but I don't feel like going to these things that they dream up not realizing it is hard for me living so far away and driving alone back home in the country!
My boss has moved into a new house and she invited us all to a cookie exchange there on a Monday night. The gist is you have to bake 4 dozen homemade cookies and then you get to take home some of everyone else's. There is a 50% chance of rain and it doesn't start until 6pm. I get off work at 3:30pm and am about a forty minute drive from my home. I not only don't want to sit around with people I work with on a Monday night, I don't want to eat other people's cookies that have been sick or have family members sick, and I can't stand to listen to them complain that their husband has bought them a gift for Xmas and now they have to figure out what to get him, and whine about how they are just so busy because they just have too much to do during the holidays. I responded that I wasn't coming but thanks anyway but I feel like I am being shunned and regarded as anti-social.
Am I becoming a recluse?? My son doesn't understand why I feel guilty about saying No. He points out the long commute I make each day and we don't need 4 dozen cookies and they all live 15 minutes from where this will be. One girl at work says I always say No so that is why they don't ask me to go eat with them any more for lunch. I go places with other friends outside of work. I try to be nice to the work group but their silly comments drive me nuts! I hate to be tagged as anti social but I don't feel like going to these things that they dream up not realizing it is hard for me living so far away and driving alone back home in the country!
I would courteously let your boss know you hope they have a lovely time and wish her well in her new home, but you won't be able to make the cookie exchange. Remember to smile and forget it. Sharon
Thanks for writing, I guess I am just stressing over stupid little things but I feel like I am still in a glass bubble looking out at everyone going on with their happy lives and I am in survivor mode!!
I would suggest that, for future invites you don't feel comfortable attending and to avoid having others think of you as "anti-social", you might say something like:
The death of my husband has taken a toll on me - I'm feeling very tired and don't feel currently that I'm up to a party. But, I appreciate your invitation and hope that you will continue to include me in future requests.
Then, forget it, if you can. You need to heal and healing takes time. Rest and non-stressing is part of the healing process, too. Instead of the cookie party, go home, turn on some relaxing music - or, best of all, a relaxation tape - put your feet up, close your eyes, take lots of deep breaths and let yourself be taken away...
Hugs,
Terry
As a result, people think you have "recovered" from your loss and don't understand that your still heartbroken and just going through the motions. That it's all you can do to get through the day and go home.
I would suggest that you talk to your boss, or send an e-mail, explaining that you are still grieving and that it's very, very difficult for you to socialize right now. You don't have to go into a lot of detail.
I would also suggest that you say the same thing to whomever in your work group you feel the most comfortable talking to.
I'm curious....... Did you have lunch with your coworkers before your loss?
So far everyone has been understanding. I know it's a little tricky when it's your boss. I understand not wanting to drive home late and so far. Sometimes I go but leave early because I have a commute too.
And for the person who said they stopped asking you to lunch. I would like to tell her, it's not very nice and to pray that you are never walking in my shoes. Of course I wouldn't say it because its not nice!
Try not to think about it once you made the decision you will only hurt yourself. And if people talk about you, don't worry someone or something will come along and they can talk about that instead of you.
Take care of you now and in the future you can help others in what you have experienced.
:) Marilyn
I would get her a nice 'congrats on your new home' card and leave it at that. I don't think you need to feel guilty about it.
Love and Hugs,
Martha
I am a one on one person, but don't do well in ladies groups, too much like high school all over again. I would never join a Red Hat society thing or all women camper thing, I am just not that way, even though I think it is great that others get so much fun out of it.
I just don't get silly girly stuff and never did. Guys are more honest and so are intelligent women! lol I'm glad you are all on this site!!
And I agree about listening to the whining. They have absolutely no idea and won't appreciate it until it is gone. In the meantime, like you, I don't need to hear it.