not all man like that

I am so sorry for your loss. He obviously had issues that you didn't know about. He did come home to you every day and these woman ment nothing to him. Maybe it boosted his ego. I think you need to grieve the good things about the marriage and let go of the rest. I am so sorry that you have this extra grief on top of your loss. (((Gentle Hugs)))

Thank you both for your thoughts

Hi Heart',

In my most humble way, I feel for you. I do agree with the opinions of the above posters, especially that not all men are this way, and most likely these escapades with other women meant nothing to your husband. However, you may likely feel that he should not have stayed at home with you with outside desires for other women. Boosting his ego? Most likely he was. Yet he was not thinking of what was calling him home when he was busy doing the naughty deeds. Of course, you are heartsick because of what was discovered. I shame him for hurting you.

So, do you suppose that sharing his carelessness while in therapy sessions will help? In some way, you are going to have to pull these matters through for closure. Surely, you have stacks of self-doubt from being burdened by the memories of this type of dishonest behavior. I hope for you to close the drawer on these insignificant worries; you have a personal right to analyze what you've experienced that hurts. His careless actions compel you to get closure. Find in an open mind to share your emotions. Stuff like this can be hell to live with. You'll have enough problems with other matters of grief burdens, however, and none will be quite despicable as the sight of seeing him in the action of worldly lust. I do feel so sad about this. No person deserves to be played. Keep in mind that this is not your fault either - he owns this one.

Be with God. Love & hugs today.

Thank you for your kind thoughts, Remiah. I am in weekly faith-based therapy sessions and trusting that God will bring me through this storm in His time. Some days I am strong and other days, not so much. Some days I can tell myself that my husband had an addiction and what he did was not my fault. I also feel that God has forgiven him and one day I will too. As I am combing through all of his emails gathering business records, I am finding he led a very complex business life as well. So I am left wondering just who was this man? How did I not know what was going on and I realize I may never know.

You are welcome to support, heart :-)

And this is what I hate: that you are left to the craze of thinking him out, wondering who he was and spent energy on wondering why you never knew what was up.

You know, I think that when our husbands figure that we've stopped listening or that the questions are no longer important to us they fade out of thinking and feeling that we are indeed human. Seems that it should be easy for them to understand that this is called "I trust you." And when you think of it, seriously, all addictions are built on false illusions. No doubt your husband was a man who tended to see his own way, had trouble asking for help, taking help, or admitting he needed help, and he had issues with sharing important information with you. And I don't really feel that he planned for you to see all this negative in him; he died unprepared. I understand the situation too.

It's really a good thing that you are exchanging emotions and feelings inside of a faith-based group. God is good. It works amazingly well to follow Him. God can and will give you a new look, boost your self-esteem and self-confidence. Personally, God has inspired so much in me that feels great. I do pray for you. I look up to you because I do feel that this is a big one to deal with. In time, you will feel the problems peel off your heart, dear one. Please stay safe.

I am sorry this has happened to you. Many of us have had awful surprises after our loved ones died, and it is hard to cope with it. I had counseling, which helped. Sometimes it helps also to write a letter expressing your anger and disgust. I also found sometimes saying it out loud helped me get it off my chest. My late husband's betrayals weren't the same as yours, but there was still plenty of anger and disappointment I had to work through.

I hope you find your way to a peaceful acceptance.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

I’m so sorry for your loss and finding out some unknown to you truth about his life. Sadly I can relate to this type of betrayal (you can read all about it in my posts). I suppose many people have secrets, tell lies and hurt people... especially the ones they claim or actually do love. It’s been 14 months for me and I can tell you it does get easier but the big WHY is still on mind every day. Looking back on the hell I went through a year ago I cant believe I managed to cope and make it.
I had to continue counseling but what helped and is helping me the most is talking to him, yelling at him, crying and then just letting it go. Just letting it go is really hard but its the only way to get the crazy out of my head. I will never know the full truth and in the end it really doesn’t matter anyway. He’s gone, he can’t explain or defend himself, there is nothing he can do for me now that will make the hurt of his betrayal go away. Heck, even if he was still alive he couldn’t change the hurt he caused me. He broke my heart into a million pieces and then he died.
I often wonder if he really loved me and when I think about him without all of the other nonsense I know in my heart that he did. He did love me and I loved him. I remember when we had an argument about his “other family” issue and I asked him how does it feel to lie to me and he said he felt dirty and ugly. He told me he didn’t know why he kept digging himself deeper and deeper into a hole when all he wanted was to get out of it. He told me he just wanted to move away from here so that we could start over and be free from the “baggage” he brought into my life. The baggage was the mother of his daughter. In hindsight I wish I would have agreed to move but I didn’t think it was fair to his 8 year old daughter. So much for me trying to do what’s right because the mother of his daughter did nothing but make our life miserable. BUT he allowed it. In the end he allowed a lot of horrible things and cheated on me with her.
All I can tell you is to focus on the good memories and move on with your life. You’ll drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what he did or why he did it. I’m really sorry you have to deal with your loss and the betrayal. Sending hugs your way.

I'm at 7 years. I began to find out the day after he died when SHE called. I thought she was just a friend. She hinted at an intimate relationship and I was shocked. I dug around and found enough evidence to confirm to me that he in the very least was infatuated with her however I think it went beyond that. At first I went into denial. I focused on the best that we shared. I grieved his loss and wished only to honor his memory. However I eventually began to feel my feelings of betrayal. I journals, I yelled and screamed with lots of tears. I went to support groups and found new friends I could talk to plus one old true friend who stuck by my side. Those are rare. Anyway over time I am pretty much at peace with it. I realized I was not at fault, I didn't do anything to cause it and I certainly didn't deserve it. I realized I am not nor have not ever been in control of others, I can only be in control of me.

there is no excuse if I commit infidelity;
as a man I know men do and go a long way so that you don't find out
I also know that in this universe there can only one woman that means life, love and happiness........

Very few things are black and white. I know my husband had enormous crushes while we were married, he made no effort at all to hide them. I was surprised and saddened to hear from mutual friends that he'd made a fool of himself calling a woman young enough to be his daughter - while he was drunk - and had so unnerved her *and her parents* he never called them again.

But when he was diagnosed with a terminal illness, he called a friend and asked that friend to look after me.

I know several couples who were unfaithful, and not very discreet about it. One couple has been married over 50 years. I suspect it's more common than we'd like to think.

But your husband came home to YOU every night. And whatever his activity on dating sites, evidently, his bond with you wasn't severed. I used dating sites after I was widowed, and a dismaying number of men contacted me and emailed me - only to disappear after a short time. I am of the opinion that a lot of people on dating sites are temporarily bored, or unhappy, and come to the realization that they actually have it pretty good with the spouse they have.

I am sorry for your loss.

I am sincerely sorry for your pain. Losing the one who was our life partner is supposed to be honest. with us. I've heard this before and am saddened to hear trying to find peace with their death is hard enough without the extra stress of New disappointments. I pray you will move through this pain and find pray.

Thank you to those of you who have reached out to comment. It is a comfort to know others understand my pain. Just tonight I was looking through my late husband's text messages on his phone and I was shocked to see that he was communicating with his "Tallahassee Lassie" as recently as this past New Year's day! I was going to contact her, but when I "googled" her, I discovered she had passed away just a week after their last communication and I wondered if he knew. In their text conversation, she mentions she was having heart issues and he asked her if she missed him. She replied, yes and then he made some suggestive comment to which she didn't reply. Oddly enough, he was diagnosed with cancer at the end of January and passed away in April. At this moment, I'm just numb but a couple of days ago, I couldn't stop crying and thought about taking some pills to stop the pain. I know I won't end my life over this - he's not worth it - but I want to stop thinking about this betrayal and stop feeling the hurt. Praying helps but sometimes I am just totally overwhelmed and cannot think rationally. I have contacted some of the other women and came to the realization that he had hurt them too by misrepresenting himself on those dating sites. From what I gather, he never had any intention of meeting any of them to be in a relationship - he was just having "fun". I also discovered he was having financial difficulties for many, many years - another thing he skillfully managed to keep from me - until he had to file for bankruptcy a little more than a year ago. I continue to see a therapist on a weekly basis but sometimes the depth of this hurt is just too much to bear. He has left me in a financial mess and I just want to scream when our friends or his business acquaintances tell me what a loyal, honest, genuine person he was. I really want these people to know that he was anything but loyal and honest.
Thank you for allowing me to vent. Just writing about my pain and frustration helps even if it's temporary.

((Gentle Hugs))

HeartB.
healthy hello to you
"life does not belong to us life returns to the universe all we keep are memories".
the grief monster will use negative memories to trap your future.
dont quality or connect your existence to a life lived lie.
only encompass the memories that will allow you freedom to live today
live in what you control. all of those years means you have to find "one thing in everything".............
.Be better than yesterday and fight to defeat the Grief Monster my Warrior Widow.....