People who haven't lost their spouse just can't understand how we feel. There have been MANY posts about this thru the 3 yrs. I have been on DS. In addition to "moving on" some will say "you're young - you will meet someone else." Also - many other things no person experiencing grief wants to hear. Just try to understand that they mean well, but have no comprehension of the depth of this grief and the "fog" that we live in at times. I am much older than many here, and was blessed to be married for 50 yrs. My husband has been gone almost 5 yrs., but I recall the intense pain and all the emotions of that first terrible year. I began to feel better during the second year - but not everyone does. Wishing you peaceful days, and you know people here definitely understand your feelings!
Hugs - Doye

If you commit and change your mind at the time, I'm sure it's ok. I think about survival and how at first I could only breathe and eat. Then I could sleep. Then I went to lunch with one person, next I went back to work full time. It may not be in your personality to go to parties. It may not be important enough to commit to weeks in advance. Just be you and be comfortable with what you decide. The world won't stop turning no matter what you do.
One week after my husband died, a friend invited me to her renewing of her vows that would be 2 months later. (She could have waited). I put the invite on my frig and forgot about it. Went to a resort that weekend and then saw it on my phone calendar. Too late! But I had fun. She had fun. Win, win!
Don't stress yourself.

Yes, for some reason people think pushing you into their schedule will help you. Again, I think it only helps them feel like they are doing something positive, even though we don't want to be pushed into anything.

I recently went out a few times for breakfast, then lunch and dinner in a total of 4 days. I had to take my time, go when I felt ready to go. I was also invited in between to do other things, but I declined them.

I think the most disturbing aspect is when people who you thought would understand more come out with the "you will meet someone else, someone may catch your eye", like doyew mentioned in their post. No, that doesn't even come into my mind. I am grieving the loss of my wife, and they expect me to even contemplate meeting someone else. I know they mean no harm, but it does really upset me when that comment comes out of their mouths.

Yes, sometimes getting out is good. It's healthy to get out of the house. Sometimes sitting around can put me in a deep depression.
I think it's good to keep our minds occupied. I have a great support group and they all mean well. I've explained to all of them that I don't know what I'm doing from one minute to the next (although I do have a bit of a routine now) and that they shouldn't be offended if I decline invitations. They understand. They don't know what to say or how to handle us and I believe that they really appreciate the honesty. I know that more strength will come in time. Maybe, I am wrong but, I feel encouraged when I think of my next chapter. I am not disrespecting my husband but, we had a great marriage and I hope I'm blessed to have that again. I loved being happily married and I
yearn for that again. I will always love my husband and he will forever be in my heart. I lost my first husband of 13 years to drugs and alcohol abuse. He was my childhood sweetheart. we dated for 12 years right after high school. Three years later I found and met the love of my life. He passed away, after almost 15 years of marriage, on April 2, 2013.
I found love twice and I'm not giving up. I guess I am a hopeless romantic. Better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all.

It's is best to do whatever you feel like you can do &/or want to do ~
Grief is like carrying the Hulk on your back, it's exhausting ~
Just take care of yourself, your healing depends on it ~

People & their incessant non-sensical chatter disturbed me the most~ Arrrgh!
Personally, I was far too grief sick to be driving or acting like I was okay. Explaining my widowhood made me angry & caused anxiety attacks. I just couldn't do it nor was I going to force myself ~
Nothing felt good except for a massage or acupuncture ~
Everything else was meaningless ~
One of the hardest parts of grief is taking time out for yourself to heal, to nurse & love yourself ~
And for other people to understand its importance ~

If you can attend functions w/out being overstimulated or dissociating or causing yourself anxiety or crying jags, go ahead ~
If you still go, set a time limit or know when it is time to leave ~
Isolation is okay & normal during grief, also. Becoming a hermit is not so okay ~
Don't worry that you could become one, b/c there will be times when your grief will give you a reprieve & urge you to go out & do things. Yes, grieve does this too ~
Those are the best times to act, however, you never know when it is going to happen ~
Grief is many things & can surprise you in many ways as you journey along ~
Take care ~

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Why does the Dalai Lama eat meat?
Because he's a Tibetan Monk, not a vegetarian ~ ROFLMAO!

If your friends want you to commit to something months down the road, tell them to ask you again closer to the date. If they insist on a response now, tell them "no." You don't have to justify your feelings.

If they push you about "moving on" (I hate that term), tell them that you ARE moving, just at your pace not theirs.

I think most of us get that nonsense thrown at us. Unfortunately, it is one of the ways that grief rewrites your address book. Unless someone has had the experience of close loss, they will not understand what you are experiencing, and they also will not recognize how it feels like bullying when they say these things. Some you can set straight and be clear and direct with, others you will get nowhere with. It sucks.

One of the epiphanies I had going through the first year, with all the BS that was thrown at me, is that one of the benefits of being a grown up means that I don't have to play with everybody and be friends with bullies and a@@holes. I get to choose! Some people I chose to sever my ties with. I don't regret that for a moment. It also freed me up to concentrate on the positive, loving, and helpful relationships I had - many of them new friends, who hadn't even known Cliff, were more supportive than some of the old ones who had known him.

A final note about "moving on" and new relationships. I have been here since November 2007. From what I have observed, at least 50% of us move into a new relationship, and that includes a lot of people who are adamant that they will never love again. I have seen this happen numerous times. My advice is to not worry about it. Now is not the time to deal with that question. You have other things on your plate right now. Love is an unpredictable thing, so predicting whether it will or will not happen is pointless. Set that issue aside for now at least.

I am glad you knew you could come here to vent. It's one of the beauties of this place! So do so whenever you need to. Here we get it!

Love and Hugs,
Martha

I don't understand moving on. This is too traumatic to just shrug off.

I think how you react about social gatherings now, in this grief life may depend alot upon how you were naturally anyway. Its so individualized as i read the responses. i was am like a few replies i have read.......it was as if a light bulb went off each time a couple of my pushy pushy 'friends' insisted i go, insisted and whined when i let the phone go to voice mail...i shut down, shut them down and do not regret it...i really like that someone here said 'you do not have to do anything you do not want to do' and i have never been one to love going out alot, i pefer a small group of very close people...Since Donald died, I just do not bother with the pushy folks, i do what i want when i want............it has been liberating..........and the people i feel closest to now are very compassionate and really were not part of the circle of married folks that knew Donald and i as a couple but know me as an idividual who is a survivor.....Do what you want...these people may know or may not know what they say.......for sure, they have not walked in our shoes..........and you will always feel best when you stay true to you

Only you know how you are feeling at anytime, it's your life and your grief, do whatever makes you most comfortable. People can make you feel guilty about the way you are feeling, please don't let them.