It has been 3 months since my husband passed and I still feel like I am cleaning up the messes he left behind. All the projects he didn't complete I have had to pay someone to finish. The bills he forgot to pay and the paperwork he didn't complete all now fall on me. I find myself in between grief and anger. The biggest has to be his secret addition. He was addicted to painkillers which ultimately led to his death. I didn't know till the doctor told me when he was in the hospital. To know everytime he took them he was cutting his life short and taking time away from me and kids really makes me mad. How could I be so blind? After he died I was told it was going on for half of our 20 year marriage. This has forced me to look back on so much of our marriage and question everythng.

I have kept this secret from my family, I don't need to taint his memory, I told myself I would tell the kids when they were told enough. Well yesterday my son turned 20. I took him out to dinner and I told him. Not everything but just enough. He told me he thought something was up as his father had asked him for his pain killers after he had his wisdom teeth pulled. My heart sank, how low can you go.

My husband was a good man who loved his family. He was hard working, he gave 37 years to the same company. But he was obviously a troubled man also. I guess in a way it is easier for me to move on and not obesses about wanting him here with me. In this world he was only doing harm to himself, maybe where ever he is he has found peace. For now my kids will know that their father loved them and was a good man. When they are older they will know that he was human and as all humans was also flawed. I will keep on cleaning up the messes until hopefully one day there is nothing left. I will move on with my life and hopefully in time the anger too will leave. Sometimes I am not sure which is worst the anger or the grief, they both hurt. His death has changed my life forever. I have am in the process of selling my house and moving 3,000 miles away. I am leaving one of my sons behind because he doesn't want to go and he is old enough to make that decsion. I am separting siblings and basically rocking everyone's world. For once in my life I am making all the decsions and I hope I am doing the right thing, I think in my heart I am.