Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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ramar 02/10/2015

As in most marriages the wife takes care of certain things and the husband others. Well my husband loved to do finances, so he invested and took care of the house finances and our retirement accounts. Though he was sick the past 6 mo. we both felt that his by-pass and valve replacement surgery would make him whole again. His old self. When he died 1 week after surgery it has hit me hard. That wasn't suppossed to happen.
It's tax season and we have a farm as well as had part time jobs. I am left to go through and get the tax stuff ready. Wow I admire him more now. In doing so I have come across tones of papers, he was a saver. Had papers from 1978 when he was looking for a new job..I have lived with this man over 25 yrs and never realized all the paperwork everywhere. I thought he just filed bills etc. nope papers go back to his grandfather.
I was sitting in front of the woodburner a little while ago this morning, have a stack of papers to burn. I open each one and re check it for importance. I cried, it is his whole family I am getting ride of. How can we live on this earth and be reduced to no more then "stuff" that needs to be got rid of. I am finding out so much more of my husband then I ever knew before. My heart ackes with each paper I put in to burn.

triquetra 02/10/2015

I'm sorry ramar, yet some of the de-cluttering needs to be done in order to move forward. I'm not very good at pitching out stuff, at least not now. I do hope in your clearing out you find some good stuff written in his hand that you can cherish.

dschwartz 02/10/2015

Yup, been there, done that. Tons of paper work dating back several decades. Too much to shred . . and in the fire they went. I discovered a lot about my hubby going through many of his "personal private" papers . . some good, some not so good. It's amazing to think that you know someone so well and yet really never know them fully. We all have private compartments that we don't readily share I suppose. I wish you the best this tax season, not easy on a good year, let alone this one. Hugs to you and keep up the momentum. xo, Dayna

tableforone 02/10/2015

So sorry ramar for your loss. You're very early in this and if your like most of us here it's really hard to think clearly and make decisions. When my wife died early last year trying to deal with all the paperwork and tax stuff was more than I could handle so I talked to my accountant/financial guy and he helped me sort thru things and file an income tax extension to give me some breathing room, time to grieve without worrying about missing some dealine or making some costly mistake. My lawyer was also helpful, guiding me thru the legal aspects. If you have folks like that you trust, call on them. If not you might check with family or friends for recommendations of folks in these professions that are trustworthy. Also, when you talk to any of these providers, ask them what the cost will be, upfront , before they start working for you. It may cost you some money to get this kind of help but it will be woth it to know things are being taken care of. Take care of yourself.
Peace and ( (hugs))
John

deleted_user 02/10/2015

ramar, I know what you're saying. I was married to a man who saved everything. From his high school sweater to letters from old girlfriends. He was a very popular young man and had lots and lots of friends. He had letters from teachers and old school notebooks and recommendations from bosses, etc. Paperwork from 1959.....
How do you throw these things away? They're full of HIM, his signature, his prints are all over them. Well, I couldn't. I've put them in a box and I'll give the box to our daughter and she can do with it what she wants.

Morey always handled our paperwork too. Doing taxes, taking care of insurance, house payments, collecting rents, etc., etc. It's mine now and I'm on overload. I've sold the house [now, no more tenants], I've moved money from 4 different banks into one. I've simplified my life. He was a complicated thinker. So unnecessary!

We're in charge now, YOU and ME! And, so many other women, just like us, who let their spouses be in control. We'll decide [not that I really want to] what to save and what to throw away and I promise you one thing.......I will not keep papers from the year dinosaurs walked the earth.

Roz

sassiesoftail 02/10/2015

After my Tim passed I almost immediately packed up his clothes and stacked the boxes in the closet in preparing to move.
His personal stuff fit into 3 boxes. I did not move for 5 weeks and every time I looked at those boxes I would think, Wow this amazing man that was my life fit into 3 boxes. He was so giving he did not have much for himself.
Hugs, Sandi

coffeeforme 02/10/2015

I'm going through the same thing, getting ready to file taxes. As ramar said, many of us as couples had different jobs. I never considered my husband to be the only one in control, but I did willingly relinquish the house and car items to him - insurance,, etc. I am still stunned when I come across something I'm not sure about and realize that I cannot ask him about it.

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