Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
After my husband died in ICU they handed me his belongings and told me to sit down and wait because I had to talk to the Chaplain before leaving the hospital. I sat down feeling in shock - when he walked into the hospital 8 days earlier I assumed he'd get better.
The Chaplain came and told me three things. 1 - I needed to go to SS as soon as possible because benefits would begin based on when I applied. (She was wrong about that.) 2 - She handed me her card and said if I had any problems or questions to call her and maybe she could answer them. and 3 - Sometimes after a husband or wife dies the surviving spouse believes they feel their presence. They may see something, smell their scent, feel they hear their voice, or receive what they believe are "signs". Several times she said "these are all hallucinations on the part of your brain". They are physical reactions occurring within the brain and they are a physical response to grief, they are not really there. I stared at her and said nothing. I thought this was a rather unusual comment for a Chaplain to be saying to me - especially since this was the only comment or advice she was giving me in the 3 minutes she spent with me.
Last night I went to a Griefshare (my first) and there was only 1 other person and the other woman was my age and her father had died. They asked how my 16 yr old daughter was handling it and I mentioned that days after his death she had found a sealed envelope from my husband on her dresser that she'd never seen before - that was written for her confirmation 1 1/2 yrs earlier. In the letter my husband talked about her having faith, etc. and being strong. My dtr was impressed that the words BE STRONG were in capitals and underlined and my daughter hung this letter on her wall. Was this letter on her dresser for 1 1/2 yrs and she didn't notice it? We don't know but my dtr felt great comfort from it. The counselor here then said the same thing about any thought of "signs" or feeling a presence, a smell, etc. is an hallucination and physical response of the brain when it is dealing with grief. Once again I didn't say anything. What's the deal here? Why did the only 2 grief counselors I talked to bring this up?
The Chaplain came and told me three things. 1 - I needed to go to SS as soon as possible because benefits would begin based on when I applied. (She was wrong about that.) 2 - She handed me her card and said if I had any problems or questions to call her and maybe she could answer them. and 3 - Sometimes after a husband or wife dies the surviving spouse believes they feel their presence. They may see something, smell their scent, feel they hear their voice, or receive what they believe are "signs". Several times she said "these are all hallucinations on the part of your brain". They are physical reactions occurring within the brain and they are a physical response to grief, they are not really there. I stared at her and said nothing. I thought this was a rather unusual comment for a Chaplain to be saying to me - especially since this was the only comment or advice she was giving me in the 3 minutes she spent with me.
Last night I went to a Griefshare (my first) and there was only 1 other person and the other woman was my age and her father had died. They asked how my 16 yr old daughter was handling it and I mentioned that days after his death she had found a sealed envelope from my husband on her dresser that she'd never seen before - that was written for her confirmation 1 1/2 yrs earlier. In the letter my husband talked about her having faith, etc. and being strong. My dtr was impressed that the words BE STRONG were in capitals and underlined and my daughter hung this letter on her wall. Was this letter on her dresser for 1 1/2 yrs and she didn't notice it? We don't know but my dtr felt great comfort from it. The counselor here then said the same thing about any thought of "signs" or feeling a presence, a smell, etc. is an hallucination and physical response of the brain when it is dealing with grief. Once again I didn't say anything. What's the deal here? Why did the only 2 grief counselors I talked to bring this up?
It irks me to no end when others say "Your husband would want it this way", "Your husband would want you to be happy", "Your husband would want you to do this", etc. You get the jist. And my answer is, "Oh really? Have you talked to him recently? If you have, I would really love his number for I don't have it." No one knows how my husband is feeling, what he is thinking, what he wants for me. I can't talk to him and ask, so how can they know?
What I do know is what my husband and I discussed for the 38 years we were together. We each knew how we would suffer and what we would/would not do with our lives. And that's all I need to fall back on.
Debbie
Regarding signs and such, Gene likes to play with electricity; he did the clock radio thing, turns my make-up mirror on and off, and blinks lights. One night when I was upset about being referred to an oncologist after my cancer surgery and telling my sister about it, as she said that they likely do that with every cancer patient, that light just blinked and blinked as if to say she was right.
Those are only a few examples of signs I have had, but I have had others from people who passed years before, and I do not believe that the signs will end at any certain time. How could they even claim to know that?
I am sorry for your bad experiences. Fortunately, not all grief counselors are like this. I went through group counseling, and they talked about the stages of grief, what we could expect, and we shared our own stories and thoughts with no censorship. Those are the things you have a right to expect in a grief group. Good luck in finding better support people and counseling!
Julie
Think I've mentioned before that when my father died I was driving the car and felt convinced that he came to me and said he had died and goodbye. In fact, I was on my way to volunteer in my church and when I heard my father was taken to the hospital because he wasn't feeling well (my husband didn't want to tell me he had died over the phone) I was so convinced my father had died an hour earlier that I went and told the minister he died. My father had had bypass surgery two years earlier and was not in great health, but there was no reason for me to believe he would die at that time so this was certainly not an hallucination from grief.