Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
After my husband died in ICU they handed me his belongings and told me to sit down and wait because I had to talk to the Chaplain before leaving the hospital. I sat down feeling in shock - when he walked into the hospital 8 days earlier I assumed he'd get better.
The Chaplain came and told me three things. 1 - I needed to go to SS as soon as possible because benefits would begin based on when I applied. (She was wrong about that.) 2 - She handed me her card and said if I had any problems or questions to call her and maybe she could answer them. and 3 - Sometimes after a husband or wife dies the surviving spouse believes they feel their presence. They may see something, smell their scent, feel they hear their voice, or receive what they believe are "signs". Several times she said "these are all hallucinations on the part of your brain". They are physical reactions occurring within the brain and they are a physical response to grief, they are not really there. I stared at her and said nothing. I thought this was a rather unusual comment for a Chaplain to be saying to me - especially since this was the only comment or advice she was giving me in the 3 minutes she spent with me.
Last night I went to a Griefshare (my first) and there was only 1 other person and the other woman was my age and her father had died. They asked how my 16 yr old daughter was handling it and I mentioned that days after his death she had found a sealed envelope from my husband on her dresser that she'd never seen before - that was written for her confirmation 1 1/2 yrs earlier. In the letter my husband talked about her having faith, etc. and being strong. My dtr was impressed that the words BE STRONG were in capitals and underlined and my daughter hung this letter on her wall. Was this letter on her dresser for 1 1/2 yrs and she didn't notice it? We don't know but my dtr felt great comfort from it. The counselor here then said the same thing about any thought of "signs" or feeling a presence, a smell, etc. is an hallucination and physical response of the brain when it is dealing with grief. Once again I didn't say anything. What's the deal here? Why did the only 2 grief counselors I talked to bring this up?
The Chaplain came and told me three things. 1 - I needed to go to SS as soon as possible because benefits would begin based on when I applied. (She was wrong about that.) 2 - She handed me her card and said if I had any problems or questions to call her and maybe she could answer them. and 3 - Sometimes after a husband or wife dies the surviving spouse believes they feel their presence. They may see something, smell their scent, feel they hear their voice, or receive what they believe are "signs". Several times she said "these are all hallucinations on the part of your brain". They are physical reactions occurring within the brain and they are a physical response to grief, they are not really there. I stared at her and said nothing. I thought this was a rather unusual comment for a Chaplain to be saying to me - especially since this was the only comment or advice she was giving me in the 3 minutes she spent with me.
Last night I went to a Griefshare (my first) and there was only 1 other person and the other woman was my age and her father had died. They asked how my 16 yr old daughter was handling it and I mentioned that days after his death she had found a sealed envelope from my husband on her dresser that she'd never seen before - that was written for her confirmation 1 1/2 yrs earlier. In the letter my husband talked about her having faith, etc. and being strong. My dtr was impressed that the words BE STRONG were in capitals and underlined and my daughter hung this letter on her wall. Was this letter on her dresser for 1 1/2 yrs and she didn't notice it? We don't know but my dtr felt great comfort from it. The counselor here then said the same thing about any thought of "signs" or feeling a presence, a smell, etc. is an hallucination and physical response of the brain when it is dealing with grief. Once again I didn't say anything. What's the deal here? Why did the only 2 grief counselors I talked to bring this up?
My DH passed on a Friday. The following Tuesday my former pastor called to offer support. One of the things she told me was that if I could keep an open mind and open eyes, I would see the signs that my DH would be sending me. She said the window of space between the present and hereafter is wide after someone passes. As time goes by, the windows narrows to closing and there will come a time when the signs will not be received in the rapid succession they are in the beginning.
She was right. I have a long list of signs. They were received often, but as time went by they became fewer and fewer. If I ask for his help, I receive it. It has been 11 months and I still feel his presence 24/7.
So, poo poo to the two people who gave you their viewpoint. And that's just what it is. Not only their point of view, but what they believe.
His mother had died after a short illness, it was kind of sudden in a way. I didn't know her, I had met her only twice. After we moved into our present home I had gotten my karaoke system and we were singing together and having fun. I saw his mother sitting in a chair, I could see through her but she was there smiling at our happiness, then she was gone. This left me shaken and in tears. I had no connection to her, my mind would not hallucinate about her though I do believe in our want for connection our mind can take you there. Who is to say that it isn't a sign working through your mind.
Don't take away the hope.....
I read these posts and believe so strongly in the signs that I find myself becoming upset at the idea that they are going to end - that the window will close and he won't be able to reach me any more and then I'll really lose him. That's awful! I have a friend who lost her husband 10 years ago and still feels his presence most of the time, so I'm hanging onto that. Maybe they can't reach through as overtly later on but are still there at our sides.
I miss him so much. I get comfort from what seems like him reaching out to me unmistakably. I have even told myself that if I'm crazy and it's just my mind but it does calm me down, who cares? But I do feel like he's here and I haven't completely lost him.
I think most of us long for signs or visits and many of us believe in them. That is a matter of personal belief and it is not right for someone to tell you that they are simply hallucinations. I am a Christian, but I do not understand many things about the after life. I can't say for certain that our lost loved ones can reach out to us, but I do believe that all things are possible. I do not know how anyone who believes in the omnipotence and omniscience of an all-powerful God could doubt that the same God is able to allow our loved ones to visit or have some type of contact with us.
I think some things are very strong memories that are shaken back up to conscious level by the trauma - more of a strong remembering flashback than an hallucination. But I don't think that explains everything that happens. There have been things that are not easily explained away by logic. I don't get hung up on this stuff anymore as I believe it could be either because I believe I have had both.
If I thought I was seeing dead people ALL the time, that would be a red flag for me that either I needed psychiatric help or my own tv show...
Love and Hugs, Martha
Hugs, Gail
As far as l am concerned if what they say is true,then there are alot of people walking around in this world,all hallucinating.
l have had many signs that my husband is still around me,smells touches,so have my kids,my 2 kids who live with me one night had the same identical dream about their dad.
We don,t all have the answers to life and death,but l do not believe that when we die,that is the end of us,there must be something after death,l have heard to many stories from people who have had the same signs as me.l think over time when our loved ones know that we are coping,the signs become less,but they are still with us,watching over us.
My husband a few weeks before he died,had a visit from his mother,who died 10 months before him,so how can this be explained,it can,t.We should all keep an open mind,to have a closed mind,means that you think you have all the answers,when really we don,t.
Alice
Feeling a presence yes and after about 6 months it got a bit creepy for me and I told my husband he could go and leave me alone if it was him and if it was not him just to go. I guess I found it a little comforting at first and maybe wasn't even aware of it in the first few months after but I never had any dreams. My children did and it frightened them. My husband would never do this to his children and being a Christian and knowing my husband was up in heaven I believed that whatever presence was there was not good and not welcome at that point as it was only causing more pain and grief as an evil spirit will taking advantage of our vulnerability. It was creepy so I shut the door on that quick. Now I must admit that after that we went through a period of time when we felt a real void in our lives and did not want to be around the house or each other for a period of time because it was just a constant reminder of him not being there, but we have made healing strides steadily as well since then I don't think would have happened if we kept hanging on to him. As for sounds and smells I do think those are more on the halucination side only from what I know about science and the brain and how it works. Solid objects materializing out of thin air is quite a different story though.
That's what I believe. Sharon
Perhaps it was their own personal experience that the ones that they had lost "sent" no signs. I feel like I have received "signs" from Jim and they have comforted me and some have confused me. But they are my experiences....and mine alone..... and I would NEVER dare to tell someone else how to feel about what they perceive as signs from their loved ones. The truth is that none of the living can tell what the dead can or cannot do....the only way we can have that knowledge is by passing into death ourselves.
Receive your comfort in any way you can and want to. No one else should tell you how to.
Dianne