While my story is totally different than yours, I can relate to the feeling of wanting to be happy and wondering is this all there is? Sometimes I think our we use the word "happy" is a synonym for being in love. That is surely something we all want and is to be treasured if we have it.
You wonder whether you are "trying too hard", and that's a tough judgment to make for someone else.
I have found that concentrating on gratitude helps give me a sense of appreciation for blessings that escape my notice when I'm thinking about what I don't have
You have made major positive changes for yourself and your family in five short years, and it's important that you truly appreciate those achievements....whether or not all the weight has been lost or the education completed or the children successfully grown.
You deserve a big pat on the back, a round of applause and a rousing cheer, but you won't truly appreciate those things from others unless you first lovingly give them to yourself.
All I can say is RAH-RAH-RAH....YOU GO GIRL!!!
Juanita

Good for you for doing so good! You dont think so but your healthy and almost done with school, that is great!
I know the feeling wanting to be happy again. Its been 6 months since I lost my hubby. We have two young boys. I try to really focus on the love he gave me and lessons I learned with him. Im thankful for the time we had with each other. I know he would want me happy and going on with my dreams. Well he actually said that in a reading. It just gets hard because we miss them so much. I think your doing good, the best you can. He would be so proud of you!! Hugs

You know, I've been on the "trying too hard" treadmill lately, too. It occurred to me today - maybe I read it somewhere - that there's a saying that goes something like: If you stop trying and relax, good things will automatically come to you and usually when you least expect it. Although I have been a benefactor of the truth of that statement many times in my life, I keep forgetting about it and keep trying to push.

Soooo, I'm trying to let go and relax. So far, it's been 2 days, and nothing has happened. (Guess I need to add a few measures of patience to my trial, huh? :) )

Bravo to you for getting as far as you have in life, husbandless - weight loss, education - you go, Girl! You are what the media holds up to the rest of us as incentive: hard work and discipline are their own reward. (Of course, that same media forgets that what drives us is pain - searing cold pain from the loss of half of ourselves.) And one of these days, you are going to find Happy...

Hugs,
Terry

Hugs,

Terry

I think one of the toughest things is grieving the dreams we shared as a couple. It took years to have the dreams and plans we had together, and like you, ours were all gone in moments. I think it is wonderful that you have been able to go back to school and also keep things going for the kids - I have autism spectrum boys myself, so I know that is no easy feat.

I think it isn't just the past we miss, but also the future that we had planned. Human beings aren't terribly good at living in the present - some are, but most aren't - so part of who we are is made up of hoping and planning for the years to come. When those plans disappear, like they did for you and me, there is a part of us gone, too. It's the happy and hopeful part of us, and yes, part of that is being loved, but part of that I think is the security of knowing what you are doing, what you are suposed to be doing, what you will be doing, etc. It helps us make sense of the world and how we fit in it. When we lose our loved ones, that security is gone, that structure gone, and now we have to figure out, 'okay, now what?'

I remember commenting at one point when asked about being hopeful that I was 'hoping for hope.' That was the best I could muster at that point.

I think that perhaps it would help you to give yourself credit as the others have pointed out, and also to know that you don't have to have a plan yet. It is okay to do what's in front of you for awhile, and right now you have more than enough in front of you. I think over the course of this coming year that you will get more indications and ideas of how to proceed with your future and the kids' futures.

A couple of off-the-wall thoughts for you, too: This is the seasonal change time - when summer ends, school starts, etc. My experience has been that just about everybody gets some level of 'blue' and anxious at this time. Change, even good change, is stressful, and when nature and social rhythms change, we tend to feel it and get more stressed. So it's possible some of what you are feeling is related to that and may ease somewhat soon as you and the kids get used to the new school year rhythms.

The other off-the-wall thought is I wonder if your new diet program is actually making you feel worse instead of better. It's important always to maintain a good nutritional diet and level blood sugar even when dieting. You may need additional vitamin supplements - e.g., B-complex for stress, Calcium with D to fight depression. Some of what you're feeling may be the physical fallout of both life stress and nutritional change. I am not a doctor, but it may be something to talk with your doctor about this week when you see them.

I hope this helps and that you feel better soon.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

I've had a hard time finding "me", but after four years I have a better picture.
At first I just started doing things to be busy and soon I was overwhelmed with commitments and responsibility that I really could not emotionally handle.
It has taken time to sort through who I am if not Willies' wife, but the cocoon is opening and I like her!

I think you have done amazingly! To be so close to finishing your degree--losing weight you wanted to lose--all while raising kids and dealing with the loss of your other half--that's a tremendous accomplishment. I think the key to a lot of this is to be true to ourselves--to work toward being who we want to be--not what someone else wants us to be--I think "trying to hard" depends on who we are trying to please. If you are working towards becoming what or who you want to become--and you aren't making yourself sick or overly anxious doing it--then in my mind that's a good thing. I think it's when we start trying to be what other people think we should be--or doing or saying what we think other people want to see us do or say--that's when the trouble starts. Sometimes in this choas we call widowhood some try so hard to be the life of the party or the center of attention or the strength everyone around them needs--trying to fill the void with something, anything-- that they start becoming something different than they have ever been--doing or saying things they would never have even considered doing when their spouse was alive and here--taking on challenges they really don't want to take on in order to be what someone or everyone else expects--that's trying too hard--that's destroying who you are to be something else and not really knowing what that something else is even. As long as you are working toward what you want and need--being who you want to be--and doing it on your terms--I think you are just an amazing example of strength and courage--give yourself a pat on the back and be very proud of your accomplishments--you are getting it done! Just do it on your terms and in your time frame. Hugs

Look at the positive you have accomplished or are about to. I am so proud of you! Taking care of yourself, earning your degree, you are bettering yourself for YOU and your kids! I also am experiencing the anxiety attacks ... they are becoming more seldom, thank goodness. Just remember they are NOT a sign of weakness, it's your body telling you to relax and take time for you! (((HUGS))) Colleen

I'm in the same boat most of the time. My husband passed 2 1/2 years ago. I have some good days, but nothing like the life I had when my husband was here. I was overweight when he passed. Still am, but with constant Zumba classes, I now have lost weight and gained plantar fasciitis. Still better than being fat because I'd love to be here long enough to see my grand children grow up.

Going to school while raising children is an incredible feat in itself. To be successful in this in addition to everything else you have been going through is truly inspiring.

Your story should be an inspiration to everyone. It should motivate us to be the best we can be. You are to be congratulated on your many roles and accomplishments. Maybe you are expecting too many results too soon. The fact that you are moving in the right direction is what is important, I think, and progress need NOT be at lightning speed. You sound like you are doing very well. Congratulations!