Don't feel badly about tears, Rohama. It doesn't mean you're doing better or worse, it's just that you miss him. I just had a bout myself, after watching the last 15 minutes of Beaches. The movie didn't matter, it could have been Steven Segal, for all it mattered. I just needed those tears to come out, and out they did. Oh, and btw, self pity parties are joined by all of us here. I'll bring the chocolate. Hugs, Marsha

You're not alone feeling this way, we all miss our other half so much it hurts every day. When you've spent all those years together, it's the hardest thing in the world to be on our own and the simpliest of things like a hug or sitting together is what we miss the most. I am dreading the holidays coming up, my birthday is next month too, I think it's going to take quite some time to adjust to living this way I hope it gets better for you and me and all the other people that are hurting so much.
(((hugs)))
Christine

I read somewhere that it is good for us to shed tears, therapeutic for us to do so. Not good for us to hold it all inside and get too stressed over everything that we have to face. So know that you are not alone in the tears, we are all there with you. Like Marsha said, we all join the pity parties (and have our own!) so save me a seat and I'll bring some extra chocolate. Hugs, Gail

I know that Bill would be so proud of what you have done and so happy to clean up, if he only could. When we have accomplishments or small victories now, they are so hollow since the one we love most is not there to share in the glory, however brief that shining moment in the sun is.
I have to ask why your daughter is talking about Christmas in September? Is she one of those people who is already done with her shopping? I cannot tell you what I am doing later tonight let alone in 3+ months. Santa is likely still on holiday!
I do not know if these things creep up on us or are always there, waiting to pounce when we think, just for a second, that things are not so bleak after all. In those few moments of false peace, we let down our guard and then are attacked again by the pain of loss. I do not know if that ever goes away. I do know that some things I look at every day have lost their power to deeply wound me while others retain their venom. Some will haunt me every day until I leave this life.
I notice that a lot of people apologize for telling everyone how they really feel. Don't. That is the real you. Here is where you can be yourself and not have to consider the tender sensibilities of the civilian population. Life without our most beloved is hell on earth and every special date reminds us of how far we have fallen from our special world with our perfect mate. On the date, before or after, the pain seems to be there, because he is not there.
I know that everyone here would join in a hug for you but it still would not be the same. It will never be the same and that's why we all continue to cry, even on days that we are doing well.
I hope your day brings you peace,
tom

I know that Bill would be so proud of what you have done and so happy to clean up, if he only could. When we have accomplishments or small victories now, they are so hollow since the one we love most is not there to share in the glory, however brief that shining moment in the sun is.
I have to ask why your daughter is talking about Christmas in September? Is she one of those people who is already done with her shopping? I cannot tell you what I am doing later tonight let alone in 3+ months. Santa is likely still on holiday!
I do not know if these things creep up on us or are always there, waiting to pounce when we think, just for a second, that things are not so bleak after all. In those few moments of false peace, we let down our guard and then are attacked again by the pain of loss. I do not know if that ever goes away. I do know that some things I look at every day have lost their power to deeply wound me while others retain their venom. Some will haunt me every day until I leave this life.
I notice that a lot of people apologize for telling everyone how they really feel. Don't. That is the real you. Here is where you can be yourself and not have to consider the tender sensibilities of the civilian population. Life without our most beloved is hell on earth and every special date reminds us of how far we have fallen from our special world with our perfect mate. On the date, before or after, the pain seems to be there, because he is not there.
I know that everyone here would join in a hug for you but it still would not be the same. It will never be the same and that's why we all continue to cry, even on days that we are doing well.
I hope your day brings you peace,
tom

I never realized just how much I wanted Charlie's approval and applause for the things I did. I still want them and I hope he is proud of the things I am doing.

When we try so hard to accomplish things and try to fill our time sometimes the grief is in the background. We need this respite, but the grief can come flooding back. Yesterday I had a day like the night you are having. I couldn't stop crying, but I needed the crying as much as I need the respite from it. It can't be suppressed forever. It has to get out.

Since I lost Charlie 21 weeks ago I have been through 2 holidays, his birthday, my birthday and our anniversary. Yes, they were terribly painful, but all days are now. I'm worried about Christmas, too. People are already asking me if I plan to decorate. Decorate? All I want to do is crawl in a hole and you know what. I still say we should be given at least a one year moratorium on business matters, holidays and special events.

If anyone has a right to self pity it is us who have lost everything most dear to us.

Yes, it's a night you can't stop crying, but you did accomplish you project and Bill would be proud of you.

I wish you peace. Julie

You are a wonder woman with all those skills! I had also the ambition to paint the walls last weekend, but realized I should be limited to just cleaning.
Labor Day weekend would have been way too long and melancholic if I did not got into my cleaning mood. I decided to finally clean up "man's domain" as my Matt used to call our garage.
It was not an easy thing to do, because every item there is about Matt. He was a multi talented man with loads of tools to exercise his skill; he liked to repair his car, knew how to tile floors, weld, wood work, on a top of that he was a professional tech guru.
Even that our garage is very large, I was running out of space to park cars safely.
Seems it absorbed half of the Home Depot power tools dept, all the golf equipment, fishing rods, boxes.
Just imaging 98 F, dust all over, moving tons of boxes with some heavy stuff, zillion power tools, bikes, even ceramic tiles from the old house(!?), books from our grad school studies, and tons of other strange things... I am so grateful my dear girl friend came to my rescue, and was by my side when I was drifting away remembering his comments, jokes and just his face with so much excitement when he was touching, trying or using those tools, or loading his favorite fishing poles in his car.

Talking about traveling the memory lane.... I was crying once in a while, stepping out just to breath.
But we were on a mission to get it done, and we did.

I know Matt would have been very pleased to see it organized, but still would have said with a fake frown "what are you doing in my space, lady?".

It took me almost four years to dare to deal with lots of memories there, to touch his things, to let go of some...but I am very pleased now that I am strong enough to do things moving forward from a chaos, to some resemblance of normalcy.
Tears, dust, sweat, but happy that I am finally healed enough to deal with life's demands, and that memories of him do not have that debilitating effect anymore, they are becoming sweet.
I wish we all find comfort in our memories, Peace

So sorry you are hurting. I have my emotions out of wack too. It's so so hard to go on without them. I dread holidays as well. We have 2 young boys and daddy won't be here for Xmas, Halloween all the fun family times. Thank god for this site. Sending u a big hug!

Sorry you are having a hard time right now. But you did it and have lots to be proud of.
As far as holidays, I already told family and friends that I am not decorating for any holidays this year. I do not have little children so it is a little easier because mine are older.

Thanks to all my DS friends for their support I am just so exhausted at the moment trying to keep busy but nothing can stop me missing Bill and wishing he was still with me

Big Hug to all of you x