Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I was reading through some posts tonight and hit a theme that I found upsetting. I may be alone on this one, but I kind of doubt it. Please feel free to chime in. There are clearly 2 camps here---those who swear they will never be in another relationship and those who are open to the possibility. This is a very polarizing topic (right up there with what to do about your wedding ring) and none of us are going to convince another that they are wrong, primarily because no one IS wrong. It's a personal choice that is made by each of us and may or may not change with time. What I find disturbing are the comments that if you REALLY loved your spouse, you wouldn't consider being with anyone else EVER.....that how deeply you grieve is directly proportional to how deeply you loved your spouse......Can we please put an end to that?! There are real people on here with real feelings who have gone on to be in relationships, get engaged, get married, etc and it is insulting to tell them that because of that, they must not really have loved their spouse all that much. It is hypocritical to say that people aren't being understanding when they say "get on with your life" if you then turn around and aren't understanding of those who make other choices. We are all grieving here in our own way. Please recognize that and support each other even if what works for them doesn't work for you.
Whenever I view a vent, and I've vented myself, I consider that this person is suffering the same journey I am walking. I give that person the benefit of the doubt, while trying to focus on treating them like I want to be treated myself.
They are not looking for philosophy or analyzation. They are looking for understanding, or just a place to vent. Someone will always have my consideration, if consideration is given in return.
Just a couple of sayings that come to my mind as I read this discussion. While we all share the common loss, we are all different and will live by different ideals. When I first came to this site I don't remember anything but kindness, comfort, understanding and company to help me as I limped along this journey's path. So many of us are within months of being in the same time frame and place on this journey. We cease to help each other if we unconditionally judge. This only stands in the way of grievers feeling free to state their feelings and thoughts. Then we are hampered and stuck. I find being able to be honest here part of my ability to progress. I can say things here that I can't say in the "live" world because they wouldn't understand. I count on you all understanding here and not judging. When pepole ask for advice they are asking for a sounding board of opinions to help in guiding them to where they want to go or think or feel. We all know that there are times when our grief stands in the way or reasonable thinking. Be thoughtful of one another. Recognize that we are not all the same and take that into consideration when posting or replying. We are all tender hearted.
I will say that I do not like the saying "you grieve as hard as you love". If I was in that discussion in the support group I would have spoken up too - maybe I am not interpreting it correctly - but - to me it is implying that the more you love someone the harder you will grieve - I see no other way to interpret it - and I don't agree with that.
So, the phrase helped me to understand that the intense feelings of grief were borne out of losing the other half of myself.
But, I can see how someone could interpret it as being based on how much we loved our partners. I'm sure that wasn't Samaritan's intention when they created it.
It certainly wasn't my intention when I posted it.
You are entitled to have a mood.
Seriously, I'm in a much better frame of mind today.
no one to do that with...but at the same time, not really wanting to go through all the meet someone new and get to know them things...I get pains in my stomach! UGH!
We can do for one another one thing that our spouses are no longer here to do...and that's to provide a safe, non-judgmental place to share thoughts, ideas and feelings. If we stop doing that, we become the same as the well-intentioned but clueless people who unintentionally say things that cause us pain.
Lori