Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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NewRoadsForMe 10/26/2011

My wonderful husband Joe has been gone almost 2 years now. It has been an uphill battle all the way, but I have been amazed that I could make it to "wanting to live again". I have a few tears maybe once a week. I have been modifyling our home and getting rid of some equipment that I won't need anymore and everything was working out OK so far.

My son needed to buy a "new" truck. I went looking with him and I realized that he really doesn't have the budget to make a truck payment. I have Joe's truck that has so many memories. We took all our trips in that truck and all our fun times were in that truck. The SUV was for groceries, doctor appts, etc. So I decided that, although I had never wanted to let that truck go, I love my son more than life itself and I knew Joe would love for him to have it. Joe was my son's stepdad. So I offered the truck to my son. He was overwhelmed with gratitude but was concerned about my emotions about it. I said I was fine with it.

That night, as I turned into our long winding dirt driveway and came into view of Joe's truck, I BURST into tears telling myself I have to let go. After analyzing it, deep in my heart, I think I was holding onto the truck hoping Joe would come back. That's completely impossible, but my heart doesn't think rationally. I cried my heart out. The next day I said my good-bye for now to the truck (that I know I will ride in again with my son). I admitted in private, but out loud, that Joe will never be back to drive that truck and my son is ELATED to have it.

This was just a hump I had to get over. It's been 3 days and I am more at peace with my decision with each passing day. The truck looks so sharp with my son's "personalization" of it. New tags on front/back, NASCAR decals, etc. - things we all love in our family. I told my son, from this day forward we will not call this Joe's truck anymore. It is now Brian's truck. I am at peace with this now, but my initial shock was really unexpected. Our emotions have a life of their own.

deleted_user 10/26/2011

WOW. Just WOW. I completely understand everything you were and are feeling.

Gregs SUV is still in my driveway, but my son Mike is now the owner of it. We had a talk as to what to do with it after he passed, and his son's both pointed to Mike knowing that he despearatly needed a better car. The SUV took alot of work because its about 9 years old, but the memories in that CAR!!! PRICELESS! I was really proud of the three boys for making that decision together, and am glad it's still in the driveway.

The first time I saw Mike pull away in that car, I completely broke down. It w3as the KNOWING that Greg would never again be pulling UP TO THE DRIVE in it. It was like a swift kick at that moment. Boy do I understand!!!

Now, it's ok for me to see it, and to see Mike driving it. I can remember the memories now, and KNOW that when Mike is going anywhere, he is safe because his "co pilot' is right there with him always.....

HUGS to you Kathleen, and glad your son is so happy with HIS new truck!!!

Diane

NewRoadsForMe 10/26/2011

Diane, for you to say all that, it meant so much to me. Letting go is the hardest thing for me. The truck has SO MANY MEMORIES. I'm so glad you responded so I don't feel like the only one that felt that way. Peace.
Kathleen

jerseydebbie 10/26/2011

I took my husband's truck back to the dealer a month after he passed. Dick only had the truck 9 months. Even though I wanted to keep it, it was too large for me, I didn't need a pickup bed and the payments were not withiin my budget.

I cried all the way to the dealership.

The good thing is that by returning his and trading in mine, I was able to buy a new Ford Escape SUV, and the payments were only $100 more than I was currently paying.

cheerryG 10/26/2011

I can totally relate, I too gave my son our little car, as I cant drive it in the snow. I went to leave his house, and actually went to drive away ( kept a spare key), I did cry - also at work last week I had a meltdown, I was looking at a magazine, and it had custom leather goods in it - I had really forgotten at least for awhile how much enjoyment Les got from making wallets and things for others. If I could have put that out of my mind, what else have I forgot? G-

swindy 10/26/2011

And I thought I was the only one to sell my hubbys car to a relative. Our daughter bought Rodgers car about a month after he passed because I just couldn't justify keeping it. I still get to ride in it all the time so it didn't hurt to much to sell it to her. Diane

deleted_user 10/26/2011

I completely understand, I just went through this myself. Letting go is hard. Hugs

cleodoggie 10/26/2011

I am not giving my girls a truck but I have been on the receiving end of getting a car. After my mom died in 1979 we needed another car because we had moved 40 miles from the city. We asked my Dad if we could have my mother's car and he gave it to us. What a wonderful gift it was. She couldn't drive it anymore. I am sure she was smiling at us when we drove away...What a great gift to be able to give to someone who needs transportation. Hugs

deleted_user 10/26/2011

I sold my husband's car to a family friend. It is always so hard to see it, and know that Tom will never drive it again, but I have peace about the decision. It is always hard at first, then it gets easier. I still have some things I will always hold on to. I hope that you are having more peace. Thanks for sharing the story,. Hugs~Shelley

deleted_user 10/26/2011

To me this is another loss- another piece of your husband has gone away, so I can fully understand your feelings. I still have my Mike's truck, but mainly for emotional reasons. I'm sure someday it will have to move on when the circumstances are right. Peace to you!

marjoe 10/26/2011

I did the truck thing, too, Kathleen, but I have the feeling this post is more about the grief burst. What struck me was the way you described it - and about the peace afterward. The same thing happened to me when I gave a load of Joe's clothes to Goodwill. I didn't even make it out of the driveway before I started sobbing. I knew it was the right thing to do, though - and I was ok with it afterwards. I think - no, I expect- that these feelings will come to me always. And I'm ok with that. Hugs, Marsha

Nicker07 10/26/2011

Letting go is the key thing here.

Do we let them go if we let go of the stuff? I believe we believe it is at first, we are being disloyal to their memory. BUT once we get to the point of its stuff - our memories are solid no matter what & than somehow it feels good to let go of the stuff. Its a sign, I feel, we can go make some little steps towards redefining "I" over us or we.
Sad as it is.

deleted_user 10/26/2011

I understand the burst of grief. It is normal for us to feel that way. It is amazing that when they are here with us, the stuff is just stuff. But, after they are gone we assign such feelings to these things of theirs. How wonderful that you were able to give the truck to your son that needed it. Your Joe would be thrilled. I had to sell my hubby's truck in May, right before we moved. I was okay with it, I think. But my daughter cried and cried that night, she said I gave away a piece of Daddy. So, we all go on, and we let go of the stuff a little at a time, but we always have our loved one in our heart. I know that for a fact. Big hugs, Dawn

NewRoadsForMe 10/26/2011

What would I do or be without my DS friends who know me and know how I feel? No amount of money would buy the love and understanding that we get here when we need it the most. Thank you to everyone who responded!
Kathleen

kelleysgirl 10/26/2011

I totally relate to your post. I went through this about two weeks ago when I watched our grandson load hubby's Suburban on a trailer to take with him. It was almost more than I could handle, yet I know giving the vehicle to the grandson was the right decision. This grandson had a close relationship with hubby & will value and take care of the vehicle. But it was oh, so hard watching it go....just one more piece of our life unraveling.

deleted_user 10/27/2011

The letting go is VERY hard. I kept his truck for 2 years even though I didn't use it. I just kept paying for tags & insurance. I don't have anyone to give it to, but I did finally sell it 2 weeks ago, and cried like a baby.
I bought a picture frame about a year ago, and put a photo of us in it. The frame is matted with the saying "The best things in life are not Things." I remind myself of this saying every time I donate or sell anything of his. I'm lucky...I have memories that no one else has!!
And you're right Kathleen - this support can't be bought!
Hugs to all - Cathy

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