Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Broken soul

Belovedsoul
Belovedsoul

I'm 34 and my fiance died suddenly from a heart attack 6 months ago. For the first 3 months the shock and numbness didn't allow me to think about how his death affected me, I went into 'support mode' for his family (although they supported me wholeheartedly). 


But now the numbness has completely lifted. Losing him not only broke my heart, its destroyed my soul. I cry every single day. Mostly at night in my room with our dog. The sadness actually hurts. For me... its the finality of not seeing him again and all of the things we'll miss out on doing together that rips me apart the most. He geniunely was my soul mate, best friend, partner in crime- the person I was supposed to marry four months after he died. The person I was going to have a family with. 


I'd never put too much thought into death before my partner died. But its become so apparent to me when he died that death doesnt discriminate. How you are as a person, how you behave.. bears no weight on whether you live a long and happy life, or whether you die at 33 with no warning. And I hate that. I hate that we're good people and we still lose. Him and I are really decent people who I feel earnt the right to live a long and happy life together. And now we dont get to. And I dont know if I'll ever be able to get over that. I look around and alot of people get to have that normality that is now an unachievable luxury for us. And I am not upset that they get to have that 'normal', Im upset that we arent apart of 'that' group.


sunnyd
sunnyd
Hi. First I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out right now because I know exactehst your going through and I'm sorry. I'm 26. my boyfriend and father of my now 2 year old died when she was just 3 months old. It's been a little more than two years since it happened. It was also a very random death. He had a seizure while working out of state. He was 29. He was my soul mate also. My absolute best friend in the world and I never stop missing him . My daughter looks and acts just like him. It makes me so happy But still every time I look at her my heart hurts so bad because I will never get to see them together.. never. Sometimes I'm okay. Just lately I've been more sad and hurting. I'm just so lonely sometimes and just with everything I have want to see him again and knowing I can't is so frustrating ... anyways I'm sorry for what your going through.
Belovedsoul
Belovedsoul
Thanks so much for your reply. And Im so sorry for your loss and what you're going through.
I realise (having going through this) that Im never going to be a life coach.
I just want to see him and speak to him again too... its so frustrating and so final. Thats it. And we had no say in it. I wish i went with him. And I dont mean to hurt any of my friends and family saying that, but its the truth.
Do you mind me asking...did you have trouble sleeping? And if so, have you overcome it? I cant sleep until im exhausted... and having taken Restovit for the past 6 months and now trying to come off it, i try to close my eyes and then i think of him and at my worst, I remember finding him on the floor and then there's no way im sleeping.
Unique
Unique
I'm so sorry for your loss.My husband died suddenly too almost 3 months ago. I have trouble sleeping and do a sleep meditation that is very helpful. The app is called Insight Timer. I journal and write to him and talk to him constantly because I believe he's with me just not in the physical form. it. I see a therapist and attend group therapy which I recommend. I struggled with constant memories of the night he died....waking up to his gasping for air, calling 911, performing CPR, the ambulance, the hospital etc...My therapist had me write it all down and I have to say I felt lighter and it stopped the movie that played continously in my mind. Please take care of yourself. I've had a few physical issues because of the effects of grief and loss on my body. Peace and hugs to you.
Belovedsoul
Belovedsoul
Thanks Unique. Your experience was similar to mine, I woke up to find my partner on the floor. I constantly relive the cpr/ambulances/coroner/police/neighbours sticky beaking/etc... And I have physical issues too. Most relevant is memory loss and lack of concentration. I also zone out of peoples conversations... Do you feel your partner? Because I dont. I dont dream of him, I dont see things, etc... and that makes me more sad. BEcause the kind of person he was, he'd move mountains to contact me... and people say 'you're not allowing yourself to be open to it..'... HOW do I become open to it!?!
jdp
jdp
Yes, you are experiencing many of the same emotions others of us have had. It doesn't seem fair, it isn't. We continue here on earth, having to pick up the pieces, whether we like it or not. Questions arise, questions continue, some will never be answered.

Life is a changing journey. The upheavals stretch us till we think no more is bearable. You have taken a positive step to share on this site. A local hospital may sponsor a grief support group or a church.
Continue....small steps:-)
jdp
jkowal84
jkowal84
So sorry for you loss. Going through the same thing. hanging out with people seeing them with there partners snuggling and kiss. It sucks. Feeling this empty and alone. It is getting easier over time. Take each day one at a time. Allow your self to cry. It's healthy. Sending big hugs and love your way. Stay strong
sunnyd
sunnyd
I don't remember having too much trouble sleeping. I think I was crying so much and exhausted from a new baby that sleeping was the one thing I wanted to do. I had dreams of him in the beginning but not anymore. And I have a few unbelievable experiences that I know for a fact are from him. Our last anniversary he got me a card that sang I swear by the moon and the stars in the sky I'll be there. It's by a group called all for one. 5 days after he died I had the card closed sitting on my bed and at 5 in the morning the card went off all by itself and it woke me up and my heart stopped and I sat listening to it and I couldn't believe it . The card was closed. I started tapping it to see if maybe I hit it in my sleep but nothing set it off. I had to open it completely for the song to go again . That was the first thing that has ever happened to me to really make me believe. I have had a few more signs from him that are unexplainable. I started reading a lot of books about people getting signs from loved ones. It made me feel a lot better.