It has been 21 months for me and i am starting to see humor where there was none..I do not need to toke up anymore and have accepted he is gone..But what memories i have made....:) Its what keeps me sane,the memories.I am grateful i had what i had. 36 years with the love of my life the Everything. There is another life Not the same but there is one whatever it is. I laugh more now and see humor where i only saw darkness,sometimes it is harder but am going to figure it out. Believe in yourself. I figure I must be worth something to have had the love he gave me and since i am still here i may as well enjoy it. You will too in time. Breathe,,be grateful and see the beauty in nature.( Hugs)

It is always darkest before the dawn. It has been 10 months for me after being with my husband for over 30 years. I understand your grief I was afraid to love my children anymore as I do not know if I could emotionally afford to lose some one else I love so dearly. I am doing better these days and it is a time thing but everybody's time is different. Please take care of your self (hugs to you)

Thanks shelda and Kimberlina. I took care of my wife for 43 years, and now find I can barely look after myself.

Rick: This is such a heartbreaking existence, especially in the beginning. Friends of mine invited me to a mosaic tile workshop early on and although it wasn't something I would normally do, I found it therapeutic. I also went to several painting parties and found it was calming. There are activities we can engage in that help our mind/body. But yes time truly is the only thing that eases the pain. Best to you. Marybeth.

Rick, never apologize for saying it honestly. You are still Raw & FRESH at only 6 weeks. Initial shock thins out, pain becomes acute.
Grief sucks.!. Grief during holiday season(s) is brutal.
We are surrounded by intact couples, families, "Ho Ho Ho's" and marketing images trying to suck our wallets dry, just sucking OUR tear ducts dry. I only go in stores for survival supplies now. Commercials: hit "Mute" button.
Heartache leaks. I once got a flowing nosebleed from crying and blowing my nose so hard, for so long. First I thought the sweet warm dripping was snot on my chest until I wiped my arm across my face. "O shit, blood" Then after a while I wondered if my sinuses were hemorrhaging... had no cotton balls to stuff up there & slow the bleeding. Toilet paper didn't work, so called my neighbor to borrow cotton balls. Said "I will re-stock you when I can drive to a store". she said "don't worry about returning them".
Then told me "sometimes Drs have to go up there and cauterize blood vessels to stop bleeding. so don't worry if it gets to that point. Just go to the ER." (she works for DR)
Then I thought, "Oh, hell no! .but. . . . .maybe things could be worse (a positive nanosecond--> After all "At least I'm not bleeding out my ass. That'd be an even rougher place to get cauterized". Yay. eh.
Right? Just nod, Rick. don't laugh.
I heard it got better after One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest.
O but wait a minute, that guy ended up getting an icepick shoved all up above his eyes in the grey area. OH WELL, that Indian friend of his escaped & lived Happily Ever After.
He's my hero ever since.
I can read the site again.
shoot me a note if you can't say it here. I'm not good at following discussions that don't notify me on profile.
Gray matter is the first thing to go.
Hang in there.
We can bust outta here.
B.

Hi Rick, I remember the heartache. My husband passed away during the Thanksgiving week Holiday. He had a massive stroke on Monday and passed away on the following Sunday. We never saw it coming. He was only 68. One month later to the day right at Christmas my sister passed away. At her funeral, I was inconsolable at his not being there with me, and losing her. I never thought I would recover. I never knew when the tears would come.
A bereavement group helped tremendously. I was not alone with this awful grief. I met others whose heart hurt also. We had a bond that still exists eleven years later. Slowly, I gathered strength and courage.
It is all so new for you. It's true what is said about time being the healer. If at all possible, if there is a bereavement group in your area, please go if you can. It's worth a try. Go slowly, Be kind to yourself. Dolores

ps Rick. actually, "looking after ourselves" is probably the first thing to go. After 42 years with my husband. Instantly he died, taking more of me with him than is left here.
Hearing married people refer to their "other HALF, or better HALF", just feels so terribly trite compared to my reality.
B.

rick, i left you a note on your journal, after mom, keep on posting

Thanks for all your comments. I hope I'm just having a bad couple of days.

Rick - I hope tomorrow is a much easier and calmer day for you. I've always been a glass-is-half-full person until my husband died just 20 days ago. I now understand not having the will to survive. But as soon as that dark fact enters my mind, I instantly think of my grieving family and how it would be too much for them. That pulls me back from the brink. I'm not sure if there are loved ones around you that would be devastated at losing you, too...?

I think the core of love is wanting the beloved to do well. If my life was meant to end at some point then so be it. But otherwise I felt I owe my loved ones to give life a chance. Yes, lick the wounds, but do the grief work as well.

I lost my husband nearly eight months ago. We met when I was 16 and married when I was 18 in 1962. He was my soulmate and I will miss him every minute of everyday of my life. Nevertheless I try to keep busy and I stopped praying for my own death (so I can be with him) and have told our children that when and if I die it matters not to me; I hope and need to believe that I will be with him again. I volunteer at the local Food Bank and plan to begin to mentor a child in the local school system next year but nothing will ever fill the hole in my heart! I'm just coping day by day. Those widowed understand the statement "today is not a good day"!

dear MET1974,
today is not a good year.
Going to that movie for your grandson was HUGE. it's never "petty" to voice our pain in here. we are the only ones who know how huge the little things really are.
I can't even believe I am still alive 2 yrs & 8+ months after my husband died. but who's counting?

"Death is still more attractive than life" - Holy crap do I remember those days.

20 months gone tomorrow... I know that it gets better, I know that when I think of him I smile now, I know that I went from hating God to thanking Him for the time I got with my hubby. I went from blaming myself for not making him drink more water, to forgiving myself, I know that he is still here - everyday - and he lets me know.... as long as I pay attention! Life is more attractive today - I know this does not help - but one day at a time Rick... Hugs!!

You're right about the demolished relationships sooner or later.. It makes you feel like "Why try?" but you know it's worth it. We weren't meant to live without others (loners). Being born into a family is proof. We wouldn't be here if it weren't for two other people...We weren't created to die.
Death entered the scene a long time ago, and I know you don't believe but Christ died to defeat death. This life is very dismal..."a hideous shadow" as someone called it compared to what will be.