George... I felt the same way... He would spend eternity there. And the stone was what I decided I wanted. But not too expensive. I have been the only one to go to the cemetery. He is buried by his sister and his mother. I go sweep off the stones, throw away old flowers that have died. I take care of all their graves, then I wonder. When I am gone, will anyone take care of them? My guess is NOT!!1

Matoacalady & Sandeestttn,

Of course, we spent what we could afford and not have that "shoulda, coulda, woulda" hanging over us. And Sandee yes, who will look after the graves when we ourselves are gone. But we will have done what we felt was our responsibility while we were here.

Best Regards, George

I agree with George: "It`s the last thing we will ever do for them."

Because Sam and I were not husband and wife, those decisions fell to his brother and sister, but they did include me in some of the planning for the memorial service.

But many years ago, I did help my dad make a number of decisions when my mom passed away. In both cases, the ceremonies were conducted with dignity, and the final resting places were chosen with careful respect.

Like Sandee said ... our loved ones will "spend eternity there."

Wishing everyone peace . . .

I think getting bills for these things just further validates what we already know, but don't want to have to accept. Its just too painful...
My husband was on disability, so the government covered most of the costs of his funeral and cremation. They were actually very nice and professional, didn't try to sell anything fancy, but that may be because they knew we were on a fixed income and couldn't afford it anyway. My son's worker from school knew a couple who sing and play guitar professionally, and they offered to do that for free...they knew a minister, who also offered free service. So from a financial standpoint, I guess we kind of 'lucked out' (if you could call it that)...I didn't have to worry about burial costs because I just brought his remains home, and put up a memorial for him in the living room.
I did receive a bill from the hospice, which pissed me off, because I told them right from the get go that we couldn't afford it, and I wanted to bring my husband home for his last days. The doctor figured I couldn't handle the 24/7 care, due to the fact that I also have an autistic 19 year old to care for...so they put him in the hospice, against our wishes. I refuse to pay the bill for the accommodations that we never wanted in the first place. The last thing I wanted for him was to die in a hospice, without his family around him. He passed away about an hour or so before I got there that day. ( I went every day)...That is one of the things I can't get past...

I had my husband cremated, no funeral service at all, nice wooden urn, a remembrance pendant, and the obituary: $6,000. I was shocked.

I learned some things after my husband's funeral. My town has three funeral homes. I had only a graveside service, no viewing, no embalming, a mid price casket, and lower price vault. No flowers from the mortuary, a small number of memory cards, the obituary for the newspaper handled, and paid the pastor on my own. It did include the price of two burial plots and actual burial. I paid nearly $11,000 to the funeral home. I live in the Midwest.

What I learned- The director of the mortuary does research. Before your sit down appointment of decision making. They find out where the deceased worked as well as your work background and also your parents financial worth, if still living. The place I chose made assumptions as to what I could afford. I learned that my niece, who lost her husband one year prior, had a viewing, a funeral service the next day, and a graveside service, with flowers, plots, and burial included, for her thirty-seven year old husband, all for $5000. She chose nearly top dollar casket and vault.

All this to say, it's a business. A dirty, unethical business IMO. They will charge you to the top of what they presume you can possibly afford. It all made me sick. My parents are preplanning and prepaying their service and burial. After comparison shopping.

My total costs for my husband is about $10,000. This kind surprised me, but only one charge really bugged me. The funeral home services included driving his body 230 miles each way for autopsy and home, embalming, thank you notes, death certificates, dealing with the ME office, putting announcements and obituary's and thank you letter in the paper, helping organize, set up, take down stuff for service (to which over 500 people came), setting up the seperate graveside service, and other things that were helpful. They were very professional and kind and supportive and did not sell me anything, they mentioned all options they had and let me make the decisions. The one charge that really bothered me was $650 to put an obituary in the paper of my home town. I know the obit was long, he was after all only 30 and I had a lot to say, but I wouldn't have done it for that much, he probably rolled over in his grave. The two other papers we put obits in was our town (rural) and a nearby rural town. They both ran the complete obit for free, with a color picture. I guess that just got to show the difference between small communities that support and care for their people, and bigger cities which only care about the business.

I live in a big city. The funeral homes charge you coming and going. My husband's funeral was nearly 9,000 dollars. When we got to the cemetery, They kept us waiting. after a while, someone from the office came out and said that the bill for burial had not been paid. It was by agreement that the funeral home would send a check to the cemetery. No one called, even though they knew the date he was to be buried. I had to get out of the family car and pay to bury him, with a long line of cars wondering what the problem was. Aside from being stricken with grief, I was so angry that the funeral home and the cemetery had not communicated.

Its funny how this subject came up. 21 days before he died suddenly unexpectedly he had said "I want a pot luck, a BBQ not mushy florally service" And being in Natural resources did not want a casket but to be cremated, ashes spread...We had a celebration in the local park Free the Lions club, Archery Club, and others put on a potluck and BBQ. 325 people! Priceless - Cremation was ~$885 here. Many there said this was the best funeral service they had been to, many since than had done the same. Our local park is free to the rural locals use here.

Cliff died of a heart attack at 55. So in some respects, I wasn't exactly ready for all of that. In the freak show that followed, the police officer that showed up told me not to contact the local guys at the cemetery because they would screw me over, but instead gave me the name of a funeral home. I was lucky he did that. The director of the funeral home was wonderful, and he had my back in dealing with the cemetery, and even advanced the money so I could get Cliff buried, and trusted me to pay when the life insurance came through. The cemetery guys were awful, but they were the only place that would allow an upright stone, which I knew Cliff wanted. I couldn't even afford the headstone at the time.

A week after the funeral, the cemetery guy called me to come in as I had more papers to sign. Cliff had died Veterans Day, buried a week later, so it was just before Thanksgiving. Well, there were no additional papers to sign. The cemetery guy wanted me to come in to give me the sales pitch to buy a prepaid funeral from them (instead of the funeral home that had done Cliff's). It was a hard-sell presentation, and the kicker was when he told me I could get a great deal because they were running a "holiday special." You know, as messed up as I was at the time, I knew my holidays were going to be real effin special as it was, and I didn't fall for that hard-sell "holiday special" pitch. How creepy can you get....

I did not place the stone for 2 years. When I did, I shopped around, but then got a quote from the funeral home, and they were - again - wonderful, and did exactly what I wanted, the way I wanted it, for way less.

I have no idea what will happen to me when the time comes. Right now it looks like burial here in the village churchyard, and my plot in Florida will be used by my big sister who loved my husband like a little brother.

The term "written in stone" takes on all kinds of weird meanings with this loss, and the ugly aftermath.

Love and Hugs....