I do not feel comfortable doing the same activitys that i once did. Or I should say I can't do a lot of them. Some of the people that I once felt good to be around sorry to say but they stress me out. Maybe it's the reminders of what used to be. maybe it's just me changing. I have one really good friend that we have been friends since grade school. she keeps me grounded when I need it we know each other very well and know when each other needs their space. other than that I am seeing people differently now. I think that we may not realize it, or see it but we are/ have changed. we lost the most important person in our lives and we are hollowed out. no one will ever fill that space. so as for me I move very cautiously toward other people. I think I feel like if I get to close I my lose someone else. that's just me though. Love and hugs: Donna

I am only 1 month behind you and have some of the same feelings. Our whole world has changed so everything in it seems different. I find for myself that a lot of the conversations that I have with the same friends that I had before has changed because they are trying to do the right thing, say the right thing but just don't fully understand what we are going through. I have tried to explain this to the very close friends but find I am even having a hard time trying to explain it. I have come to accept the "people just don't get it" as part of being human. I look back and think that I was probably the same way before I lost my husband.
Sometimes you hear some of the things they are worrying about and you think to yourself..."I wished that was the only thing I had to worry about"..Everything just seems to be more trivial as I think we have experienced the worse possible thing in our lifetime, the loss of our spouse.
Some of the activities that we used to do as a couple are still to hard for me to do right now so I will wait until the time comes that I feel comfortable to try again. I have found a few other things that I still do with friends for now.
With my husband gone there is a very big hole so I will have that lonely, empty feeling for a long time yet
One day at a time...

I've been seeing a grief counselor and what you describe, it's very normal and in fact it's called Adjustment Disorder and is part of the grieving process. Your life has changed and you are becoming aware of the changes. You are not the same person, therefore, the same things you did before your life changed will no longer appeal to you. I'm going through the same process and I'm ok with not doing any of the things that I used to enjoy but no longer do. I'm allowing myself all the time I need to go through the adjustment and evolve to this new life as ME instead of US. I hope this makes sense to you. Don't do what does not feel right to you, doing more does not equal feeling better -- sometimes being with yourself is more healing than being with lot's of people and feeling totally disconnected from the group. Hugs! Connie

Yes my friend, I have experienced this. I like your analogy of "ice barrier". that is what it feels like many times. Like you are there, you are hearing people laugh, and talk, and it feels as though you are in this kind of different land all your own speaking a different language, and cant understand the language you are hearing. i have, and sometimes still am in that strange place.

I think it's that same two step dance we are all doing. We move forward, we can laugh, we can talk, we can do for others, and then seemingly out of nowhere.....back to step one, and are so confused becuase we are doing so well. We are doing our day to day, so we are on the right track we think. GREAT! this is getting better! than wham, how did this happen? why am I "here' again? I wish I understood why it happens this way. I know there are triggers, I can deal with them, but when this happens? not sure of much of anything.

the only things that helps me is to get up everyday, tell myself that today, I'm going to do my best to live. To feel, and to love. sometimes i make it, sometimes I fall short. I don't beat myself up anymore for feeling this way. I just tell myself that it WILL pass, and right now I just need to think, if I need to, bry if I need to and BE ALONE if i need that too. the things that brought you comfort so far will again. right now i know for me the things i needed I still do, but I put them aside and come back to them when i can. I go through those motions knowing that at some point, all the feelings i had will come back again. but I have to realize that I am DIFFERENT. And i always will be. the things that worked before are not the same things that work now, because I am SDIFFERENT.

you will enjoy things again. there is nothing wrong, and you will be YOU again. a different you, but YOU just the same. and one day you will really LIKE her. I know that I DO.

wish i had better advice, but that's what it s like for me my friend. We will BOTH get there. A little at a time.

HUGS diane

Darlene, Reading your post, I felt you were writing about me. It is now over 9 months since my beloved passed away and I felt I was coping and getting there. And then out of the blue at around month 8, I started feeling low, disjointed, and as you so appropriately describe it, like an invisible ice wall separates me from others. I was afraid I was going into depression, but when I spoke to my grief worker she told me this was normal. She told me that it is part of accepting the death, I am no longer in denial and the reality hits us. I just take a day at a time, and am gentle on myself. And I just keep telling myself, this pain too will pass but for now this is a valley, I must pass through.
Hugs and blessings
x M x

I have not seen a grief counselor or joined a group. I have not found anything in any of the groups at my church either. I have just had to make up my mind that I can not allow my kids to see me wallow in self pity. I have them to feed and care for and I have a job that is demanding. I think being exhausted from the schedule of my day is what helps me get by. I am so tired by the time the last child is bathed and asleep that all I can think about is passing out.

Maggie

Thank you for your support and thoughts. It was interesting to see that I am not the only one who feels surrounded by an invisible wall of ice. Hopefully this feeling will eventually pass. For those of you who either have or are experiencing this "separation from life" feeling, did or do you find it more helpful to continue trying to be involved with others and trying activities or is it better to just be by yourself? Maybe that sounds like a dumb question but right now I really am having a hard time even knowing what I actually feel better doing.

Darlene - that's not a dumb question at all. I think what I tried to do the first year was what I had done before. My heart knew, but my brain kept trying - not really realizing how drastically things had changed, even though they seemed the same on the surface. I did both. I spent more time alone, because I just needed to. I socialized only when I truly wanted to. I just couldn't do the mask thing any more (and I had to do it at work). But it's ok, I think, no matter what you do. I think it's just listening to yourself. And doing nothing counts. BTW, I call it the parallel universe. hugs, Marsha

Darlene,
Everything boils down to your own individual needs, personality and newly developed priorities. You will know which approach is the right one for you -- I get the sense that you are a FEELER kind of person and things have to feel right in order for you to enjoy them. Go with your feelings and intuition and you will make the right choice. I've made choices I never thought I would make, but I'm completely trusting my inner voice. I'm not the same person anymore and my priorities are different. We can always rationalize why we need to do something, even if it doesn't feel right. I'm making new friends along the way and I think this the right path for me. What we are going through is by far the worst thing anyone can go through and we have to have faith that we will get to the other side mentally, spiritually and physically stronger than when we started on this journey. Remember you are not separating from life, you are evolving into a new LIFE. Not having small children to raise makes the process more about self discovery. Be patient with yourself, God's love will guide you through this journey. Blessings! Connie