Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Yoshi81 09/20/2015

I've been widowed for the past year and five months. I recently started dating a very nice woman and at this point in our relationship.....I can honestly say I'm in love with her. Previously, I had dated a woman four months after my wife passed and it went sour....however, I believe that if I didn't start seeing someone after my wife's passing I'd be in a very dark place right now. My wife passed away from breast cancer at 34...she left behind two children, a daughter 3 and a son 5. Before my wife had passed, she had told me that she wanted me to be happy no matter how long it took. That was literally one of the last things I heard from her. Furthermore, while she was still of sound mind,(drugs really broke her down and messed with her head towards the end) she specifically told me that if she were to die that I was to go out and find someone for my children to call a mother....someone to fill her role if she wasn't here. Needless to say, when she passed and that loneliness hit after those, "how are you holding up?" calls began to fade, I started to date. Quickly it was labeled as too soon, that I hadn't given myself time to grieve, or with the case with her mom.... I never loved her daughter. My wife was the only woman I had ever been with. At 32...I had to look forward into life as one without her in our lives and that at some point I will love again. So now here I am....in love with another woman and furthermore, having a child with this woman. I'm moving forward with the mindset that I'm fulfilling my duty to my wife, but not everyone agrees. Some think it's a false sense of security and that I haven't grieved the way I should've. So.....with that being said, any input is helpful as far as to how others have felt once meeting someone else. I'm happy right now with my girlfriend so it shouldn't matter...but I'm curious as to how and what other have experienced. Thanks

Shrn 09/20/2015

Welcome to our group of widow's and widower's. The grief we experience is different and difficult. We all have our individual ways to make a life again. Most of the people here are still struggling with their loss and you are welcome to join us.

There is a part 2 group called Hopeful Hearts Living After Loss that deals with rebuilding our lives. You may want to visit there too.
Sharon

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/hopeful-hearts-love-after-loss

letmehelpyou 09/20/2015

Yoshi81:

It is really a challenge moving forward and finding new love after the loss of your mate. I started dating the man I am with now about two years after my husbands death.

I am also a member of the part 2 group, Hopeful Hearts. I concur with Sharon that you may want to visit that site that as more of its members are dealing with a situation like you are describing.

We all move forward at our own pace and in our own time to futures that we never planned but that we can still appreciate.

Val

tkmeaway 09/20/2015

First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. I just lost my husband 2 months ago. I personally don't think there is a correct timeline for grieving. I don't believe that just because you started dating soon after losing your wife that it meant you didn't love her...that is just hogwash. You do what is best for you. Others who haven't lost someone that close to them have no idea what you were going through. If it feels right to you that is all that matters. As we all know life is short and your wife wanted you to be happy. I say congrats on finding someone to love you and your children. I wish you the very best.

Marilyn

Driftersoul 09/20/2015

Well, nobody told me it was too soon after my husband passed away, I could see it in their eyes (it was a little over 1 1/2 years). I don't need to "justify" myself, I think more of the fact that I lost my husband the day he had his first seizure and my world went topsy turvy. Therefore, when I started dating, it was more like 3 1 /2 years that he was gone as I had known him. Because of the loss I have suffered - I have come to appreciate what I have today. I don't care what other people say/think. At the end of it all, who will be by your bedside perhaps the day you take your last breath - your ex-mother-in-law or your new love???? My late husband also told me to be happy and he had asked his sister to make sure that if I was not dating after 2 years to step in!!!! I think of him every single day. He has a special place in my heart and I will never ever forget him nor stop loving him. But my heart is big enough to love again - differently of course - but I am loving again - without holding back and without any guilt. I respected my vows : Until death do us part....and even death can not part me from him totally. Live the moment. Virtual hug, Driftersoul

Yoshi81 09/20/2015

Thanks for the input guys. I joined helpful hearts today. I apologize if anyone is offended by me posting in this forum. I've been in this particular one since right after my wife's passing so by default I post in here and in Bereavement. I know many people are just fresh now in grieving; but I feel compelled to tell my story and illustrate that life does indeed go on. We'll never be over are past love's....they are forever a part of us. However, we can find love again at some point. I blessed to have found a great woman that I can say I'm in love with. I don't compare what I had with my wife to what I have with Laura....it is totally new. But when you feel that love you feel it. I'm glad there are others who are moving forward and have been able to find someone. Having to go through the emotions of grieving is something I do not wish on anyone....it is an emptiness that only a person that has been through it can relate to. Take care, Ramon

shaneslove 09/21/2015

Though I have not moved on, I must say, shame on those who are trying to impose a timeline on you! They are not in your shoes, and your wife specifically told you she wanted you to find someone. Congrats to you, for finding happiness, and, in my opinion, honoring your wife's request. Best wishes to you and your family!

Jeff-Bolen 09/21/2015

There are no right or wrongs with grieving i have found. You do what is best for you and your children. Follow your wife's wishes. You are young and have a full life ahead of you. Too long a time to not be happy as your wife wanted for you. You will always have her with you. Just make sure your new love knows that so there is no jealousy. If I ever found another I would tell them up front that my wife will always be a part of me. My wife and I used to have discussions about what would happen to the other if one of us left. We agreed we would want the other to be happy and to find another if so inclined. I'm just not sure I could now. It's not that I'm not open to it, but I was married for 40 years and it would still feel like cheating I guess.

Take care, Jeff

rosie3435 09/22/2015

Everyone is correct...No one should pass judgement until they have walked in our shoes...Sometimes a companion is the answer...Just to sit and talk go for dinners...Lets face it it's a couple world...When you are alone it is a sad place...Do whatever makes you happy it is totally your call ....It has been 5 months for myself and I sometimes think that I would like to meet someone...I know my husband is gone and not coming back...He would not want me to live in grief and misery I will know when it is the time....Hugs to you...

Yoshi81 09/22/2015

My friend said it best one day, that I deserve to be happy. My therapist told me in a session one day that I needed to be a little selfish with myself. I didn't exactly know what that meant at the time.....but after a while I got it. I took it as don't allow myself to be consumed with others grief while I was going through my own. With the case with my wife's mother....she was angry about me being with someone else. After a while I got her to own up and she said that she wanted me to stay alone.....that that's what she thought I would do. I'm happy right now. After everything that has happened I can say that I'm in love and happy. No one can take that away from me and my wife wouldn't want that....she wanted me to move forward. Thanks for the insight guys.

cliffskat 09/22/2015

Friends had pulled up an old thread I did after I became engaged to my new husband. You might find that discussion useful, too. It's called "The Great Debate and Two Hearts."

I have been remarried to a widower for 5 years now. It really is like having two hearts. I will always miss Cliff on some level, but my sadness over losing him does not stop me from being happy for my life with Mark. It's a strange adjustment to make, and if Mark had not been a widower, I doubt we could have done it. But that's just me - I know that for me I needed - and still need - to have my loss understood by whoever I am with. Just as I understood his.

I hope you and your new lady have a happy and wonderful life, and that your MIL realizes how important it is for you and the kids. If you reassure her that she will always be "Grandma," it may go easier for you. Don't know, but wish you much luck and happiness.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

michaelbmanning 09/22/2015

I was a widow at 28 with a house full of little kids and a business to run. I think if you want to find someone, that is great. If it is a good fit for you, that is great. I personally don't think it is a good fit for me. I just have too many other things going on in life to look for a man. I had a good guy and was blessed to have a guy that did not do drugs or not work. He was a great dad and the kids do not need another one. However, I rejoice for those of you that do want a new chapter in life.
Oh, wait, I have a new chapter....law school.

Maggie

deleted_user 09/22/2015

I wish anyone who finds love much happiness and fulfillment. Who are we to judge each other. No one knows, I mean truly knows what you and your wife went through and what you secretly shared with one another, that's what makes marriage so sacred and special.

You go, live your life and fulfill new dreams. Only you know what and how to do this......it's your life and it's yours and yours alone to live.

Warmly,
Roz

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