Thanks for posting your feelings...sounds like we can really relate to what you've said. No matter how many people visit or call, at the end of the day I still feel alone. But I do try to keep the faith, and just checking in here with our DS group is reassuring that I'm not the only one with these thoughts.
Maybe watching a nice old movie on TV, or an old comedy show, can help you since you're alone on a farm? (Not sure how close your neighbors are) Glad that you found this support group...at least we try not to get on each other's nerves?!
Take good care of yourself, please, get enough rest and the right foods/water.
Hugs and blessings,
Nancy

Socially, I miss the "dance" that Bill and I had in conversations with others. You know, we bounced off each other etc. Now, it's just all my words - not so fun or interesting.

I either avoid people (especially couples from our past) or....I end up talking too much. I'm off- balance.

A friend here early on gave me some very helpful advice. He said to tell them that you are "F.I.N.E." -- "F.I.N.E." stands for "F***ed-up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Exhausted." After that, I could look anybody straight in the eye and tell them I am "F.I.N.E.".... thank God for my DS friends!

Love and Hugs,
Martha

{{{HUGS}}}

Ther'e's no need to be around people unless you choose to be. With that said, I found isolation to be a great comfort. Eventually I learned to ignore daunting tasks with the house ... everything looked like a burdensome job I didn't have the strength or energy to even start working at. I had to push myself hard to do simple things like wash dishes or sweep the floor; everything made me cry even looking at pictures of my husband (oh, the guilt!)
.
I also thought being around my grandkid would be helpful ... NOT! I was too raw & emotionally spent. Watching her run around & talk incessantly almost made me lose my mind!
There were hundreds of times when asked how I was, it was simply taxing to my entire being. I had alot of instances of feeling as though I was being condescended for taking so long to "get over DH" or while explaining the duration of grief I felt like I was making excuses for being alive or feeling like I just wanted to spit in disgust or throw rocks in anger or scream & run around like my hair was on fire . It was a very dark time when everyday was different & the pain was always busting the meter -

Create your own private environment for grieving, it'll help you heal -
*Be kind, loving & forgiving of yourself everyday of your life*

I like this...and it has helped me to read what others feel because it echoes alot of what i feel. I feel I am on stage Monday through friday 8-5......acting as I have to, I feel a HUGE relief alone at home with my dog....I used to talk with 'friends' more, but now, I definately they want to hear what they want to hear from me 'oh yes, i am doing well, we are fine' but honestly I am F.I.N.E.!!!!!!!!!!!! and I am ok with my F.I.N.E. so get the hell off my back! but I always ACT nice....but Alone ness is my friend as are my very close family that I can be myself around..I say do not force one thing!

Brenda,
I'm so sorry for your pain. I am at almost 6 months and like you when I look around and see other couples I'm so pissed off, I think that was supposed to be us. And the grandkids is another issue I can relate too. I love them dearly and so did my DH and it took me until my last visit with them last weekend to finally be able to enjoy them b/c before that it broke my heart that he wasn't here to be with them and I just really couldn't enjoy them even though I wanted too.
The best advice I can offer you is to journal. It was suggested here and in the grief support group I attended but I didn't do it until about 3 months. I really didn't even know what to write but one day I finally sat down and did. I wrote for 3 hours non stop and made it all addressed to my hub and just poured my heart out on everything I felt. I cried the entire time and was exhausted when I was done but I've got to tell you, it was the best thing I did for myself b/c I felt at peace for ahwile.
I can tell you that it does get better, that doesn't mean everyday you will wake up and feel great, it just means that you get used to being alone more and some days it hurts less than others.
Be kind to yourself and don't rush yourself with anything. As for people and their stupid questions, I just kind of look at them and say I'm doing the best I can and I'm sure that's not what they want/expect to hear but until they walk this path they don't understand regardless of how you answer. Sending you love and hugs. I'm here if you want to chat. Take care.
Lynn

Tomorrow starts the Trenton Teapot festival, my husband was the chemist for Trenton Water and Wasrewater, And we used to ride in the Parade. 3 of my grandkids are going to be in it. One in band, other 2 in sports.
I told them I would be there. now.... everyone knew him, and me, he worked there since 85. I dread doing that....I hope I don't melt down this weekend......