Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I have been reading and posting for a few years now. I'm sorry for all who have come here before and after me and those who are new to this journey. Its an uphill climb. Thank you to all the friends I've made and all who have helped me. I just don't think I have said that enough. I have been up and down on this roller coaster and it seems as though just when I think I'm better POOF I'm rolling back down the steap hill. I feel like I'm in a parallel life. Still with my lost love and trying to find me and what to do with the life I now have. I have considered finding companionship and friendship but so many things seem to block my path. I still grieve, I still cry. I read a post on here about finding love after loss and it helps to read other people's take on their experiences weather good or bad. I'm pretty good at seeing from the outside in and helping others. I'm proud of that but to help myself is always the issue. I'm just not happy as a "me" instead of an us.
My youngest son will be married soon and my other two are well on their way to creating a life for themselves. I am so proud of the children we raised and the men they are becoming. They are a lot like their father and for that I am greatful. When I was with my husband we were a team, raising kids, buying a home, living our life. I was happy in my roll as wife and mother and contributor to our household. Now its just me. Sure I support myself, and do the things that are part of sustaining my physical life but something is always missing. That huge hole inside me. It stops me in my tracks. I feel like I just go through the motions of everyday bumping along waiting for something to happen. Im not sure what that something would even be. I am just not happy. I laugh sometimes when I'm with my kids but when they leave I'm right back to the lonely. I am two weeks from the 4 year mark of my loss and I don't see much progress. When asked I just say I'm ok because no one wants to hear the real stuff anyway. There are no more words to explain my feelings. I can't even make sense of them myself most days. Does any one feel this way?? Please don't say join a meet up group because I have such a hard time with doing that. I live far from stuff like that and I just don't venture out for many reasons. I do go to dinner with a neighbor occasionally and I've taken up scrapbooking but nothing seems to help me gain happiness or that feeling of peace and safety I use to have. Thank you for reading and listening Hugs
Lisa
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Old Hillbilly Wisdom:Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.Keep skunks, bankers, and politicians at a distance.Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.The best sermons are lived, not preached.If you don't take the time to do it right, you'll find the...
Yes. We miss them. Yes. Life is different now. And yes. Life will never be the same for any of us. I suppose if we spent all those years kinda sorta in love, or living in unhappiness, or spiritually separated, or living just as roommates, this whole aftermath might be an easier adjustment. But it isn't easy at all. I wonder what my life would have been like without Juanita, what type of person I would have become. All I know for certain is that we were meant to be together. Lord knows neither of us were perfect, far from it on both sides. But we took from each other that which we needed to complete us, drew on each other's strength, forged a happy life together. So many things are different for me now. I look back over the past 40 months, and wonder how I made it through. But I did somehow. Most of it was just making it through, lost but surviving. I'm now 10 months into a solid loving relationship with a lady named Gloria. She shares her life and her family with me, but at the end of our visits and adventures, I come home to my own life with my dog Blue, working ever so slowly at piecing my life and myself back together. I'm not ready for more, and so Gloria and I just take life as it comes, living life one day at time, enjoying each other's friendship and companionship when we are able to be together. Looking back at it all, I guess I am fortunate to have survived it. And healing is a very slow process. Not a thing any of us can do to speed up the process. Best thing I've found is to just let life come to me. I gave up on trying to create a new life, somehow thinking that if only I found someone, I could build a new life just as Juanita and I did. The reality is that I'm 60 years old, no longer that 27 year old youngster that had a lot of growing up to do with a good woman at my side. Together, we somehow conquered anything life would throw at us. We were each other's strength. I've learned a lot about myself in this aftermath, most of which convinces me that I was the luckiest man in the world to have had Juanita as my wife all those years. She made me who I became, and in her eyes, I could do no wrong in life. She enabled every success I achieved, and she was my motivation. So I led a blessed life, and now I realize just how truly fortunate I was. You are a good person Lisa. Count your blessings, for you also were the luckiest woman in the world to have had Mike as your husband all those years. How sad for those that never experience true love. It is no wonder it is no easy transition. Harder still when we don't have a friggin' clue where we are headed :)
~~~ Scottie
I always get so much from reading your responses and our friendship. The words you write about Juanita are beautiful and I echo them about Mike. I have been truly blessed to have such a man to grow and create a life with. Your sentence about pulling from each other all we needed to complete us is so very true. I know Mike and I both did that. We did enable each success we conquered. He was my rock, my salvation, and my life.
I often marvel at the reflections of who we became and I see those in our boys every day. I long to be with him and sometimes I long to have that solid young couple back to love him even longer. Hind sight you know.....
I need to adapt to the person I am today and that's the hard part. I have no idea who that is. For when I was the "us" I was the person I was most proud to be.
I can't tell you how I got here since my loss and truthfully I don't want to explore those early grief days again. Some one once told me it doesn't get better it only gets different and oh how true that is. I try so hard to just let life happen but I can't help but worry that the emptiness is all that is to continue and I am so scared of that feeling. Fear fuels my journey into the unknown. Thank you for riding the train with me. Your words give me hope.
I sometimes forget that I am lucky to have had 23 married years and a total of 25 years with my husband. We met in high school and grew into adulthood, parenthood and life together. Your description of that person filling so many rolls and feeling adrift is so accurate. I have become so impatient. I just want happiness again. I haven't wrapped my brain around the fact that its me that has to make me happy. I guess I'm not very good at it. The day by day is something I thought I had mastered only to find out I'm not as good at it as I thought. It seems that I try different things but each thing seems to end with the same result... sadness, tears and fear of the future.
I don't have grand babies yet but maybe soon. Thank you for your post. I am so thankful for those who take the time to help. Hugs
Regards, Geo.
I am so glad to see your post. Thank you. I often followed your postings in the early years of my being here on DS. I can't begin to express how helpful they have been. It comforts me to know how connected we all are even though most of us have never met face to face. I try so hard to smile when I think of the many memories I have had with Mike. My tears still flow and I always seem to think of the fact that their will be no more memories made. I must go this road alone now. With each milestone our kids reach I must experience it for the both of us. All the things we didn't get to start and won't get to finish. It sure has gotten quiet and lonely since his passing. Hugs to you always my friend
Lisa
I think what I've learned since I lost Denise three years ago was that love is bittersweet. The pain, the tears, the missing and never come back is part of the continuing relationship I have with her. Yes I have joined a number of meetup groups this year, and it led me to a more social life (which is a big help), but one of the most helpful meetup I've joined is a meditation group. It allows me to let the tears out and learn to allow hopelessness and sadness to be part of the new "me", and not in a hurry to wish it to go away. I can't truly come to acceptance of my loss until I learned to embrace the sadness as well. This is the reason I posted Alison's writings - she honestly acknowledged that everything is not fine long after her husband was gone, and nothing can be done about it.
Sadness and hopelessness happens. What is not well is that we keep that tape to re-run all the time, and let it become the narrative of our future. We do have the mental fortitude and courage to make a conscious decision on a given day to lean on what makes us happy.
I wish you peace in your journey, and find a place where you can remember Mike fondly.
Eddie
Thank you your posts are always helpful and I do follow the writings you post. You are so right in your description of our "new". I had this strange assumption that time would help but in some ways it does not. It only clears the fog and reality continues to get clearer. I wish you peace as well. Thank you for being a helpful and consistent part of the journey we all share. Hugs
Lisa