Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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MrsLfromTX 12/08/2015

This month is my husband's birthday. I just passed the one year mark in October. I thought I made it finally, one year and I made it. But then I just started feeling so bad it was like it was just a few months after his death. I feel heavy hearted and like my world at home is just so quiet and still sometimes....
I am trying to get a few relatives and few friends to come over on Don's birthday. Say a few prayers, and have some lunch and cake and hope everyone has a story they can tell that they remember about my hubby.
I think I will open with a short "letter" to him that I will write and read or just talk from my heart. I hope I get through it ok.
Today I tried to stay busy. Took my work lunch break and did barn chores and let the horses out for grass before in their grassy lots. Then later I cut the grass and that took a couple hours. Big area. The mower deck got stuck a couple of times and that really frustrates me. I had to pull it backwards to get to a flatter area to drive out. That mower weighs more than 500 lbs!
Thankfully it has tires, huh?
Well I feel a sense of dullness and just unhappy. The grief comes in waves. Time allows one to adjust to the changes in life but the grief remains. At least for me it remains.
I hope I can make this small get together for my husband all work out. I feel he deserves it. I have been doing small get togethers on special occasions since I didn't have a formal service for him. I couldn't accept a clergyman who never met my husband stand up at a podium and speak about him. So I am trying to get family and his closest friends together at different times to remember him. I really hope that I'm doing the right thing. It can get to me and make me feel bad but I know my husband cared for his friends.
Anyway, I'll close now. Feel just so blah. I still wait to hear his voice calling me or asking me for a bowl of ice cream or some cinnamon toast.
Oh...it's awful to be in this situation. I really thought we'd grow old together and take care of one another. I was wrong.

cgriff4ever 12/08/2015

I'm so sorry your pain is so intense right now. I wish I could say something to make you feel better. We each grieve differently. i have good and bad days, and sometimes they are horrific. I just take one moment at a time. hugs carla

marsha0622 12/09/2015

I'm so sorry you are going through such a bad time right now. My Steve has been gone now for 28 months. We had been married almost 48 years when he died. I remember thinking that after the first year I would feel better but it didn't turn out to be the case. For me it was like I was coming out of the fog and realizing that he was truly gone and I couldn't get him back.
Now at 28 months I am doing so much better but it still isn't easy. I miss everything about him so very much. I just retired his year and like you I thought we would be spending all our time together (we both wanted that so much!) . I'm not a very social person but I started volunteering at our small community hospital and it gives me a sense of purpose.
I hardly ever post but I come here almost daily and it has helped so much knowing that there are people who really understand what we are going through. And In reading your posts I can tell you are such a strong woman and I admire all you do. I'm not sure I could.
As hard as it is I guess the only thing we can do is hang in there and take the days as they come.
Please take care,
Marsha

lori001 12/09/2015

Hi Mrs. L from Texas! I'm sorry you're having such a hard time right now. I think what you're going through is normal. I'm at almost 19 months. I kept thinking the 1 year anniversary was this magical date that would make it all start to feel easier. For me it was the point where the long term reality started to really settle in. This grief stuff isn't easy, and gets very tiring. Like you, I have a large property to care for, so there a periods of time where I'm alone just trying to keep up with it all. One of the things that helps me is to make a plan to socialize at least once a week. It's too easy to get isolated, and it's good to connect with my friends. It doesn't replace my husband, or erase the emptiness I feel when I get back home, but it helps. I also had to find a job after my husband passed, and work gives me a sense of purpose and gets me out of the house and around people.
I'm learning to accept my grief. I don't think it will ever go away. What you're experiencing now is part of the journey. Allow yourself to feel it, so you can move through it. For me, I finally came to a place where I feel I'm building a new life. I haven't made drastic changes, but I am slowly finding people I relate to, things to do, and learning to live with my new reality. I miss my husband, I'm sad, but I take baby steps forward each day.
I think what you're doing to gather friends and honor your husband is lovely. Hang in there Mrs. L!
Best to you from another Mrs. L.
~ Lori

MrsLfromTX 12/09/2015

thank you all for your help. Carla, Marsha, Lori...you know how it feels and for you that are beyond my timeframe of loss you remember your one year mark. Thanks for giving me an idea of what to expect, although of course we know everyone is different. I just really spent so much time with my husband since I work from home we were always together unless he was gone to a horse competition. I took care of him with both cancers since I was able to do my work job from home.
But I am lonely for him and miss the simple things like coffee in the a.m., tea at night....so many things. WEll i'd better go now as I fee the tears coming on and I have to contact some customers.
all of you take care.
Letty

Rainbow27 12/09/2015

Letty, One year, two years,,,, we will always miss our loved one. For me, I just try to get through the day. I have no relatives in the area so have to rely on girlfriends. By nature, I am more quiet so now I have to get out there so I volunteer and take classes. Just trying to build a new life. I love what you are doing to honor your husband to have friends come over and to always keep his life relevant. It sure is not easy. Sending you a hug,

lrs55 12/09/2015

This whole process of loss is so much more involved than I think most people can even comprehend. Like you, Letty, one year was not a good time for me. I was still really struggling with so many emotions at that point. I have read that it takes 3-5 years for most people to really get back on somewhat of a peaceful existence after losing a spouse. That gives me hope since I just passed the 3 year mark. The pain has lessened a lot now and trying to decide what to do with the rest of my life seems to be the big issue at the moment. I hope your celebration brings you consolation and happy memories.
Lauretta

AfterMom 12/09/2015

Letty, from what other people say, the 1 yr mark usually is an increase of grief- a kind of disappointment that some kind of magical relief doesn't come to greet us.
Many people do memorial services just with people who really knew their loved one. Even funeral services don't have to be officiated by a clergy who didn't personally know your loved one.
Perhaps a memorial service with dear friends might be meaningful for you. Many families do wait before doing that, so it is not totally uncommon. I know families who wait a whole year to scatter ashes, and then did an intimate memorial.
I am sorry this is so painful. My 1 yr mark is a few months away, but I anticipate it being hard. I think, partially because Other people look at it as some kind of monumental point where we should automatically be doing better. well heck- that sets us up for a big let-down, all on it's own.
BIG HUGS to you.

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