I did my best to just kind of let the holidays pass quietly. I just tried to sleepwalk my way through it. I did ok on New Years Eve- in fact it wasn't so bad. Made sure to knock myself out by 9pm so I could avoid any New Years eve "Hype" going around. 

I woke up New Years day feeling ok. Little bit of that inspired feeling ( or is it just survival instinct? ) hitting me. I excersised, went for 2 walks and I cleaned the house. When my wife was around we had alot of hired help including house keepers. I haven't vaccumed or truely cleaned in 10 years. I could hear Dena jokingly jabbing at me "It's about time cupcake!". It made me laugh. I talk to her like this at least a few times a day. Spritual side of me says she can hear me and shes talking to me. The "logical" side of me says it is just because I knew her so well, I knew just what she would say and how she would say it. Maybe it is both.

As the day went on though it got hard. By 6pm I was a sobbing mess and I cried harder than I ever have before to the point I was gasping for air. It was the New Year and despite my best efforts - that feeling got to me. This will by my first year alone. I have to go back to work, and face the grind like everyone else, except I am coming back to work missing a part of my soul. One of the hardest nights I have ever had.

Work was a bit boring today. I am a manager of a software engineering group. The Job is kind of uneasy right now but that's not important. I guess what is important is despite it kind of sucking, it was better than being home in these walls. But it was still hard. I got up from my desk alot and just paced the office. By lunchtime, I felt like breaking down again. My wife is not there to check up on me or me her. She wasn't around to talk about what I would make her for dinner.

My ride home can suck in rush hour. But this time, I wished the drive would take forever. I didn't want to come home. I made dinner - one her favorites - my own Fajita recipe. I am a good cook so I can make something pretty delicious in fast time. I cooked this dinner so fast It looked like some mexicans came in and trashed my kitchen. I wolfed down the food faster than I should. I cleaned up the mess in record time. All in a big fat rush so I could then flop on the couch and break down again. 

Instead of breaking down, I came here to write this. This forum is already at least a little help. Instead of crying in front of the TV I feel at least I am talking to others that understand. I wish I had someone around me all the time so I could just tap them on the shoulder when I need.

I have my first greivance counselor appointment tomorrow. I am looking forward to it, and also dreading it. I have a support group for widowed people next week. That one I feel a little nervous about. Not sure I am ready to show emotion in front of strangers yet. But...my tour of duty as "The Rock" has ended for now.

My friends and people checking on me have gone silent and moved on with every day lives. This F****** sucks. I've tried googling various things for any kind of articles or youtube videos on anything to help me cope. One of the first things thrown in my face is a warning to all people out there to avoid widowers and not date them. I'm not ready for dating and in fact I almost despise the thought of "dating". Come to think of it, I never really "dated". I meet people, we hit it off. I met Dena, and we fell in love. I never thought of us as dating. I am already falling victim of what I read is a problem with Men - we want to fix things. And we want to fix things immediately. Why? Well I think we are weaker than women. I sure as sh** was never as strong as my wife.  I can't bear this kind of pain and loniness and I need to fill the void and I know it is probably wrong. 

This is when I talk to my wife and I ask her to please kick my ass and keep me in line. Don't let me doing anything stupid. But don't let me sit home and rot crying into a picture for the rest of my days either. Please help guide me through this. I think her death basically slammed right on top of what was already a bit of a midlife crisis. 10+ years caregiving can do that to you. Shackled to dialysis, hospital runs, frantic 911 calls, trying to decide on any given day if my wife was having a seizure, a stroke or was she just tired. So many days I longed for freedom.

I've got my freedom now. And it is a freedom I never wanted.

Jeff