Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

3,758 Members

19,465 Posts

0 Online

Truhal 06/10/2010

I'm back home caring for my father who had foot surgery. It will be a permanent move at the end of the month. For now, I'm packing and trying to make sense of it all. I can't tell you how horrifying it is to me to be moving back home at 53. It's like moving back in time. Suddenly, there are house rules(where to put things) and I am no longer the lady of my own home. I've changed in the years since I left. It has only been four years(Mom was sick and then father had arm surgery) since I left, but I'm used to a quiet house. I like sitting at my computer writing, listening to television in the background. Now, all that's gone and there is endless conversation.

I'm miserable and there's no end in sight.

Don't get me wrong, I love my father, but it's hard living with him. It's hard, not because he's a bad person, but because I'm an adult and he doesn't know it.

I need lots of prayers.

pathoflife 06/10/2010

Tru,

What a difficult situation you are part of. You must be a very loving daughter to consider leaving the quiet and certainty of your own home to care for your dad. I hope you find that extra measure of peace and patience that will be needed. I also hope it won't deter you from coming to DS for a little chat. TJ

deleted_user 06/10/2010

So sorry you are feeling miserable hope you are able to carve some time for yourself. Special places are reserved in heaven for daugthers like you. I will keep you in my prayers. Dave

lovingrob 06/10/2010

I can only imagine how hard it would be to moving back home after all you've been through. You are a wonderful daughter and your father is blessed to have you. I'll keep you in my prayers and hope all goes well.
Pam

Lininsocal 06/10/2010

You have been on this see-saw for a while now, sorry to see you have to make this move. You need to put your foot down also and come to some sort of compromise.

deleted_user 06/10/2010

I am so sure that this was a very difficult thing for you to do.........but you are a wonderful daughter to move back home to take care of your Dad. He is a lucky man. I hope that you can carve out some time for yourself.....sometimes that's all that keeps me sane, when I can go to my room and be in the peace and quiet with my dogs...........

I wish you that peace........and my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Christine

deleted_user 06/10/2010

I agree ..some boundry setting is called for........there is a book called Boundries.....I just got it beause at some point in time I will move closer to my kids.............will do the prayer thing for you..................

deleted_user 06/10/2010

You must feel so backed into a corner. I hope that you can somehow set some boundries and get your Dad to respect that you need some space. Now that there are the 2 of you the house rules should change to accomadate you. Can you address that at all? Hug, Donna

deleted_user 06/11/2010

Oh, gosh, this is so heavy for you and I know you were trying to resist. I admire you for doing your duty as you see it even though it is curtailing your freedom and independence dramatically. You will definitely be in my thoughts.

Hugs, Gail

deleted_user 06/13/2010

Truhal; First thing to do is STOP packing. Right now you feel like someone has dumped a hundred pound sack of manure on your back, given you a dirty job you don't want, and you can't put it down without getting the carpet dirty. You are without a doubt being manipulated by your father with a hundred pound sack of guilt.

I have been a nurse for 25 years and have direct experience with taking care of manipulative family members. This is information you need.

If you decide to help your father, let it be on your terms. Full right to information with POA and Advanced Directive showing you as decision maker.

First, Some hard facts for your father. He is responsible for his own care. Raising you as a child is not a down payment to you for years of servitude at some time in the future. If you father has the financial resources to pay for the care he needs then he has the responsiblilty to do it. There are many private services available. There is no point in trying to save his assets for an inheritance if you destroy yourself giving him care. Google statistics on caregivers dying before the care receivers. If he does not have financial resources then there are social programs he can call on. If he is competent, he has the right to make his on decisions, good or bad and to bear the responsibility of those decisions. If he makes decisions that are actually harmful to him, then call social services and give them the information. They can then evaluate him in the home and if needed place him for his own safety. You are not abandoning him. Just back up, stay in touch, give him the information you find and let him be responsible.

Please no not fall into this trap. It will suck you dry. Contact me if I can clarify anything for you.

Good luck and God bless.

Lou

Join the Conversation