I used to be one of the people who gave space to the grieving. Truth was that I felt so inadequate to know what to say or what to do. Add to that the fact I tend to cry easily when others are in distress and I always thought I would add to their burden instead of being of help. I feel guilty about the past but know that today I am all grown up and can be helpful just by being there.
It is unfortunate your family does not know yet how to cope. They will learn from your cues. Doing something different this year does seem wise. You must put your children first and making new traditions or breaking from tradition for this year may give them what they are needing for now. Perhaps, if you are up to it, you could host July 4th? Or better yet suggest a neutral ground like a picnic somewhere new? That could bring the family together and begin learning how to cope and communicate now, developing a new normal for your family. Just a thought. Whatever you do I wish you peace and comfort.. Blessings to you.

Have you received a call from one of them inviting you for Easter or is it just expected? Would talking to your brother and explaining your feelings and the feelings of your sons be an option? I agree many people are uncomfortable about talking to us because they think they would upset us more. They don't know we are already more upset than we ever thought possible.

A lot goes by what feels right for you and your sons right now. If you want them to spend the holiday with or would you rather have the private time for yourself. Maybe there's a special place where you can feel close to her. My prayers are with you. Sharon

It is usually expected that we would show but we received a text asking if we are coming this week and I said we would not be making it, I think it is inexcusable that my sons were not called or texted since Christmas by my family, her family members are deceased except for her sister who is in constant contact with my sons, they are now trying to make up for past mistakes but it seems fake and only when made aware of our feelings was any contact made, I do not want this to drag on but with my sons its going to take a while to repair the hurt, .I don't need this right now, friends and family just continue with their lives and we are left to handle this alone. Thanks John

John, I think it's completely awful. This is your family and they should be calling, coming over even if they don't know what to say. But EVERYONE knows how to say, I am so sorry this happened and I am thinking of you and the boys. Really, I would get very aggravated if my family responded this way. They made me upset many times while my husband was ill, but then they'd come through so we are all on very good terms and keep in constant contact. My sister said if I want to talk I can call her in the middle of the night and she'll be there.
So for you to receive a text is unconscionable.
A few of my nephews/nieces sent me texts when my husband died. THey knew my hubby. They are my nieces and nephews for Gods sake.I held them and baby-sitted them when they were babies! And they sent a text. I was not too happy with it. I treat them fine but there's a lot lacking in their ability to show any feeling or empathy. It's sad.
I hope your family will come around and get the meaning of what's happened and what you are all going through. When someone is hurting you don't give them "space" you get in touch. THEN if you want time alone you will say so and they will give you that time.
I am so sorry this has happened. I hope though that you all can put the pieces back together before your sons get much older.

Letty

sometimes everything ends up, just as it should. If you were to go over there, and right now they are probably still in disbelief, or maybe even trying to fathom their loss too. Would it be what you or your kids would want? I'm sure your are very hurt, and we are all protective of our children, and should we should be. I am just going to pray that somehow everything works out, and at least they call to wish you all a Happy Easter. If not we all will be here for you. Much love and big hugs carla

First I want to say how sorry I am for your loss. I know exactly how you feel with family. My husband passed 8 months ago and to this day still haven't heard anything from one of his sisters. The other sister sent a Christmas card 5 days after Christmas and I think it's because I told his niece I hadn't heard from either of them and to not defend them or their actions to me. This was their brother and it's as if he didn't matter to them....I know I didn't.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

This post reminds me of yet another way of my experiencing a divorce (after twenty years of marriage to my first husband) is similar to the loss of a spouse. My mother-in-law only called my children one time (yes, their previously doting grandmother) following our divorceand my kids had their own phone line!

Of course, your family should have checked in with you and your children but they are probably doing what they think is the right thing, hence giving you space. What I have learned in this process is: when you least feel like being the social director, you have to be the one to reach out because people, even your own family, really have no clue how to deal with the life-altering losses of others. Being hurt and angry, when you are already reeling, does not work. If you look at this as an opportunity to graciously teach other people the right thing to do without scolding them, you are doing them (and yourself) a kindness.

People just don't get it....even family. It really adds to the loneliness of this whole journey. Sometimes I look at other people after they say something to me and think....someday they'll know.
Hugs to you and your kids! Lori

Hey John,
All this sounds too familiar. At work people I had worked with for over twenty years never even took time to ask or listen. These are the same ones who would over the years ask how my wife was doing and now it's like she didn't exist. Neighbors the same way. I understand not wanting to say the wrong thing. But that only goes so far. Some folks came over that first week and from then on no communication at all. And she passed in August of 2015. Kind of hard to continue giving folks a pass.
Peace, Tim