Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I was asked to attend a widows and widowers group. I have been going to a wonderful group for a year and even though it is not specifically for widows and widowers, there is a closeness that is felt that bonds us together. The leader of this new group I attended clearly has not had formal training in leading a grief support group and the ten of us sat around two tables and socialized. She asked who was new. I raised my hand and was told to share something about myself. Before I got to my story about my husband, one of the other women started talking about herself and then another, until my story got lost. No one mention anything about their husbands. Most were over 80 years old, whose husbands had been gone for many years. They were only there because of the refreshments (pizza and beverages), and because they could get out and socialize on a Saturday afternoon. The person that asked me is concerned, because we have a 20,000 member church and when they invite widows to come, they never return. They only meet quarterly and i left so empty. As much as I like the person who invited me, I shall not return. It was a total waste of time.
Sadly, they are the only group in town...not sure I will go back.
This morning was better for me, feeling somewhat stronger. I am determined to make it thru this day and will tackle tomorrow, well, tomorrow.
I was trained by the Self-Help Clearing House of NJ to become a co-facilitator of my DBSA (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance) group. Also, facilitators from other DBSA groups came to observe us, and approved us.
I went to training with another member, so we could become co-facilitators. I think we balance each other well. I can tend to intellectualize, and Chris has a heart three times larger than his chest. He can make anybody feel relaxed in a few minutes, I wish I had that talent. Having more than one facilitator also helps keep it from becoming the leader's group.
Facilitating peer support groups is not something a person can "learn" easily, I think you have to possess suitable skills to begin with. Mostly you need to know how to listen. I have observed leaders of other groups, not just support groups, who are more interested in hearing themselves talk than making sure the attendees get to share. I often say that I am only a "facilitator" because I have training in leading a group and making sure it is safe, but I am also a "member" of the group like everybody else. I tell the group that we can decide what the group does, collectively. Sometimes when it's really small, a member will propose that we end early, before the two hours, because everybody has had a chance to participate. The it's up to the group.
Our group is usually small, 6 people or less, although we are in an urban area. I have had to bring an egg timer sometimes when someone monopolizes, but that is rare.
When the group checks in, we try to identify whether someone is in distress, and ask them if they would like to share first. Sometimes they take the option we offer of just listening, for a while, and usually they open up later. Often we digress a little from the topic of "mood disorders" - sometimes we talk about job hunting, or grief (when my wife died). Last week someone returned to the group to tell us about her stunning "recovery" and it was a very good group.
We meet in a private room at the Self Help Center of Hudson County. As a designated drop-in center, it's members tend to be severely mentally ill, officially "disabled," and many are homeless. Chris and I worry sometimes if the setting may freak some people out who have never encountered that sector of society.
We have looked for another venue, but paying for the insurance is prohibitive. We met for a while in a church, but the guy from the church freaked out when one member discussed suicidal thoughts, and stopped letting us meet there. It's important to be able to discuss everything, including suicidal thoughts, in a safe and confidential environment. Of course, if someone has immediate suicidal plans, we must encourage them to seek help immediately. When someone discusses suicide, other members (including myself) can share their own attempts, and why they stopped thinking about suicide - that is really helpful.
One week, two female middle-class somewhat sheltered friends came. They were pretty freaked out by the center. Also, non-group members from the center came in to check out the attractive new women. They almost left, but a couple of center members who were actively participating in the group calmed them down, and helped make them feel safe. I learned that I had to put a sign on the door to discourage "intruders" and also I started sitting near the door to deal with them immediately. It's not common that people "intrude" - but the women piqued interest. The women did not return.
During the training, Chris asked if he is doing something wrong because a lot of people come to the group once and don't return. The trainer said that in many cases, just knowing the group is there is helpful, in case they ever feel a need for it.
I also think that having the group in the center provides an opportunity for center members. We have had really good groups with people from the center, who might not have been there if it was held somewhere else.
We also stopped bringing snacks most of the time, because some people were only there for the free food.
After Arlene died, I thought about looking for grief counseling or a group. I have been a DS member for years, and the Widows & Widowers group has helped me a lot. I also have the support of my DBSA group, and solid friends, and my daughter. I'm doing OK.
I did feel much better the next morning.....wish they met weekly.