Wow. Talk about a conflict. I'll try. The husband of a very good friend and co-worker of mine lost both parents in a sailboating accident when he 16. He was the oldest of 5 children. And the placement of the family went to a very bad uncle. Fast forward, and this same husband of my friend was previously married, he and his wife had two daughters together, but eventually separated for many of the reasons you had. His wife came by to get only one of the girls, and she was both higher than a kite and drunk. In front of both daughters, she said she never wanted the younger of the two, and wasn't taking her now. He refused to let her take not only the one daughter, but more so risk the life of any. So they get into a great big argument. And eventually, she storms out of the house. Shortly after, he gets a call from the police. She'd been in an accident and was dead. He was devastated. And according to my co-worker and friend now 35? years his wife, he still will tear up over her death. And that marriage was over. I guess why I'm writing you this is for you to realize that just because a marriage ends, doesn't mean you don't love the person. Hell, my wife of 30 years always had a love for her ex, after all, he was the father of her children. A piece of paper doesn't end the love that created the marriage in the first place. On top of that, you've got his other issues. You loved the man inside, you knew his heart, or you wouldn't have married him to begin with. Alcoholism, drug addiction, unhealthy lifestyle and behaviors, marriages can last a long time under those circumstances. But everyone has their limit. You pain over the self-destructive behavior, but when it turns against you then you've got no choice but to get out. And a lot of times, your leaving will lead to them hitting their bottom. And that is usually what it takes to turn them to recovery. If they don't die first. Tough love. Been there. Done that. Not with a spouse, but with a step-son. Hoped you find some of my thoughts helpful. Sometimes a different perspective is a good thing. You confused? Who wouldn't be. Scottie

I'm sorry for your pain and the confusion that you have to experience. My husband passed five months ago. We were working on our marriage, and I too found out he was still unfaithful after he passed. You will feel like your grieving two different people the one you loved and dealing with the grieve of the jerk they became. Take a deep breath, try and remember the good times more than the bad.

Reading your post brought back so many memories for me and not all good ones. Today makes 7 months since my husband passed. We were married 20 years and the last two were not good. He had been having an emotional affair with an old girlfriend, they never met but they texted and spoke daily. I even found messages where he said he wanted to run away with her and start a new life. 5 months before he got sick she broke it off and he agreed as they were hurting me and he was having health issues and felt he was better off with his family, mind you he never said because he loved his wife. He was in home hospice for two weeks before he died and I took care of his every need 24/7, even sleeping on the floor next to his bed so he wouldn't be alone. The day after his service there was a notification on this phone and it was a calendar alert letting him know it was "their" anniversary. Talk about a slap in the face, it felt like it was never ending and it didn't for awhile. I found many things when I was cleaning up his stuff. I was so angry in the beginning. I was able to go through his clothes and all his things without shedding a tear. Like you I found it hard to grieve with all my emotions. In time the grief came. I had to let go of all the emotions because in the end I didn't leave, I stayed. Now I just think about the parts of him I loved and how he was a great father. I feel I was a good wife to the end. I try not to think about the bad parts of our marriage, in 20 years there were more good then bad.

You are early in the process and still have tons of emotions that will overcome you. If you need to be mad then be mad, eventually you will move on. Just know you are not the only one in this boat.

Thank you all for your comments and words of encouragement.
Its hard to see/hear so manny ppl missing their best friend and love of their life. I feel as if i need to honor a false memory as many ppl didn't know this other side of him.

My marriage was in a similar place when my husband died unexpectedly. I too feel guilty for not crying more, thinking its what everyone expects. I dont feel it though. He was sending money to a girl Ghana (scam) and promising to bring her to the US. My desire right now is to find a better version of him to put my life back together.

This is most definitely the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. I hope i have the strength.
I've never been so conflicted before.

MReading,I'm very sorry for the passing of your husband...I'm also very sorry for the issues you have before you...this is only my opinion...if you asked everyone on this website if their marriage was all that and a bag of chips...if we were to be candid with you I promise you'd be surprised and you sure won't feel like the Lone Ranger (lol)I'll be the first to say my husband and I had our moments but we loved each other dearly.I wouldn't allow outside trash into my time of grieving ...and even after I took care of our affairs I still wouldn't entertain that kind of drama...after all I'm the wife who's entitled to everything he has.This is only my opinion ,I would grieve the love of my life and move on to the next chapter of rebuilding my life without my husband and that trash would be behind me...never to be spoke of again...why waste precious time and energy on nonsense.May God Bless and Keep You

I wish it was that way with my husband. He was a wonderful guy totally in love with me and me with him. I would say that you can't help the way you feel about your husband. If he was a scum bag then he was a scum bag. I didn't like my dad. He was very mean to me. He has been dead for over 12 years and I have never cried one tear for him. On the other hand, my husband has been dead for 6 months and I have cried every day. I miss him so much. Your feeling are your feelings you can't help them.