Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Shane and I never asked anyone for help. . And lately, I have been forcing myself to take on tasks I would have either never done, (like cutting down a tree) or not done without Shane (working on my son's house).
In part, that is because I am used to being busy... Shane and I were busy from the wee hours of the morning until late at night. I have never had the amount of "downtime" I have been experiencing since losing him, and it has been making things so much more difficult.
But, another HUGE part, is that I do not know how to ask for help, and I do NOT want to feel like a burden on people. And that is far worse when someone who you broke down and asked for help makes you feel worthless for asking.
less than a month after Shane was killed, I broke my leg severely and had to have surgery (plate and screws) to repair it. While I was laid up, just days after the surgery, I started having some issues with a light switch that scared me pretty bad... it was shorting out really bad. I couldn't walk and I am not good on crutches so I worried that the house would catch fire and I would be unable to get out. Shane's brother said that he would change it for me, and show me how to do it for future reference.
But then his wife called me and told me to "Get off my pity train because the world did not revolve around me."
To make things worse, she spread around to her entire family and many of my neighbors that because I had lost Shane, I was "after" his brother. For ten years, I had their children every weekend all weekend during the school year, and they stayed with me all summer long for those years, night and day. I ALWAYS helped them.
My friend and her husband have helped me quite a bit over the first several months after Shane passed, but I even find myself trying to push them away, because I fear that someone will say something about that, or that they will turn on me too.
Anyway, I guess I am tired and a bit weepy and just wanted to let that out so that maybe I can get past it. Hugs to all
In part, that is because I am used to being busy... Shane and I were busy from the wee hours of the morning until late at night. I have never had the amount of "downtime" I have been experiencing since losing him, and it has been making things so much more difficult.
But, another HUGE part, is that I do not know how to ask for help, and I do NOT want to feel like a burden on people. And that is far worse when someone who you broke down and asked for help makes you feel worthless for asking.
less than a month after Shane was killed, I broke my leg severely and had to have surgery (plate and screws) to repair it. While I was laid up, just days after the surgery, I started having some issues with a light switch that scared me pretty bad... it was shorting out really bad. I couldn't walk and I am not good on crutches so I worried that the house would catch fire and I would be unable to get out. Shane's brother said that he would change it for me, and show me how to do it for future reference.
But then his wife called me and told me to "Get off my pity train because the world did not revolve around me."
To make things worse, she spread around to her entire family and many of my neighbors that because I had lost Shane, I was "after" his brother. For ten years, I had their children every weekend all weekend during the school year, and they stayed with me all summer long for those years, night and day. I ALWAYS helped them.
My friend and her husband have helped me quite a bit over the first several months after Shane passed, but I even find myself trying to push them away, because I fear that someone will say something about that, or that they will turn on me too.
Anyway, I guess I am tired and a bit weepy and just wanted to let that out so that maybe I can get past it. Hugs to all
Sometimes it is easier to hire someone. I got tired of waiting for people to show up who left me hanging. I also had people who did show up but didn't put any effort into doing the job properly. The worst was a friend who I offered to pay to replace the door lock for me. He tried to leave, check in hand, when I realized the door would not even shut much less lock. That pretty much settled that.... I have done way more DIY than I ever thought possible, but I found having a home warranty policy was a good thing. I had had it for years, but it really came in handy after Cliff died. One call to the warranty company, and they would send me an approved tradesperson. I paid a monthly premium and a call-out fee, and that was it. No more trying to figure out how to do everything or scrounging around asking for referrals. It was a big relief and well worth it for me.
I hated asking for help. But I did have to remember that some people really wanted to do something. I found that if I asked for something specific, that was usually the best way. Sometimes it was weird stuff - like when I couldn't get to the vet to get flea goo for the cat. Told a friend and she was delighted to get some for me from her vet. Small thing for her, huge help for me, but I had to know what I needed to begin with.
As for your SIL, sooner or later that stuff will come back to bite her.
Love and Hugs,
Martha
I "hired" Shane's friends who are certified mechanics with a shop to rebuild my motor for my jeep, (It was a deal they had originally made with Shane right before he died, and they said they still wanted to do it)... They picked up the motor shortly after Shane passed, and Also took payment in advance. I finally got the motor and cash back last Wednesday... they had done nothing, and acted like I was just an awful person for "hounding" them for the return of the stuff.
I also hired a repair man to go to the house that I am working on for my son. I need the cookstove converted from natural gas to LP. As of two days ago, he is three months late... I called another place, and they do not service that area.
Another guy I tried to hire to help me with the interior trim stuff (primarily the "flushing out" of the windows interior frame, and the endcaps on the new cabinets because those two things will require the use of a circular saw, and for some reason I am scared to operate one of those I have 3 but do not like them). He did not seem to know what he was talking about (over the phone). He kept asking about the metal coil... There is no metal coil involved in WOOD TRIM WORK. Then he demanded to talk to my husband, because, and I quote, "It is best to let the men deal with these matters". So I think I am just on my own for most everything... Even the people I seem to hire are rude or useless... It is just so frustrating
Sorry you have been stepped on by your SIL. it seems our circle of family and "friends" seem to shrink over time during this grief journey.
There will be people there to help, don't be afraid to ask. If anything,
You are finding out who REALLY CARES,
I was kind of concerned about all the work, you have been taking on.
I hope these friends and family come through for you and help.
Hugs from Sandra