Widows & Widowers Support Group

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asking for help....

shaneslove
shaneslove
Shane and I never asked anyone for help. . And lately, I have been forcing myself to take on tasks I would have either never done, (like cutting down a tree) or not done without Shane (working on my son's house).
In part, that is because I am used to being busy... Shane and I were busy from the wee hours of the morning until late at night. I have never had the amount of "downtime" I have been experiencing since losing him, and it has been making things so much more difficult.
But, another HUGE part, is that I do not know how to ask for help, and I do NOT want to feel like a burden on people. And that is far worse when someone who you broke down and asked for help makes you feel worthless for asking.
less than a month after Shane was killed, I broke my leg severely and had to have surgery (plate and screws) to repair it. While I was laid up, just days after the surgery, I started having some issues with a light switch that scared me pretty bad... it was shorting out really bad. I couldn't walk and I am not good on crutches so I worried that the house would catch fire and I would be unable to get out. Shane's brother said that he would change it for me, and show me how to do it for future reference.
But then his wife called me and told me to "Get off my pity train because the world did not revolve around me."
To make things worse, she spread around to her entire family and many of my neighbors that because I had lost Shane, I was "after" his brother. For ten years, I had their children every weekend all weekend during the school year, and they stayed with me all summer long for those years, night and day. I ALWAYS helped them.
My friend and her husband have helped me quite a bit over the first several months after Shane passed, but I even find myself trying to push them away, because I fear that someone will say something about that, or that they will turn on me too.
Anyway, I guess I am tired and a bit weepy and just wanted to let that out so that maybe I can get past it. Hugs to all
Coop84
Coop84
Dear Lord, your SIL said that to you!! I am so sorry. She must be a very insecure person and perhaps a very selfish person. I have one in my family. I would turn to your friend and her husband as they have been there for you before and I am sure they are still willing to do so. I am sending you a big cyper hug and hope you find some peace and comfort tonight. I hope the leg heals soon. You know that Dayna is going through the same healing process with her leg. Sweet dreams my dear!!!! Sue
rebl3157
rebl3157
People just don't realize some of the stupidity that slips through their lips! Your SIL needs a wake up call!
wendimac
wendimac
I'm sorry you had to go through that with your SIL...she sounds like an ungrateful bitch...and insecure...I just don't understand how people who are supposed to be family can be so cold...
About 3 years ago, I phoned my uncle to wish him a Merry Christmas..his wife answered, and insinuated that I was calling to ask for money...I had never asked them for a dime in my life...just because we were 'poor' doesn't mean we are leeches...I never called there again since.
jenniferalves
jenniferalves
I'm sorry about your sil, and I understand about feeling weird about asking for help, it's hard thing to do. No one understands the amount of down time we all have now. I hope your leg is better. Hugs
loveddogs
loveddogs
Oh Amy, I am sorry your SIL said that to you. How soon they forget what family is for once they get what they want. I too have learned to depend on no one unless I pay them. So yes, I have not addressed many unfinished projects around here. I know I will get my gumption back hopefully sooner than later. And I will do all this crap myself or pay to have it done. Rome wasn't built in a day. Pay back is a bitch though isn't it. At some point your SIL may need something from you again, bet I know what your answer will be! Hang in there kiddo, you are doing GREAT! Hugs and Love, Michele
shaneslove
shaneslove
I had told him that I would pay him for the help, and showing me how, but he had refused to take money. I think I just need to make a list of complete strangers to hire, because maybe they would be more inclined to do the work and take the money and there would be no fallout...
Oh I would LOVE to have her ask me for something now... after I told her off, perhaps I would start a rumor that since I lost my husband she is "after" me.... (just kidding of course.... but it would serve her right). She is a despicable person, and there have been so many terrible things said and done by her... sometimes I just need to let it out so that I can TRY to move past it. There is one thing that I will NEVER move past, though, and someday (when I am not afraid that I will strangle her) I plan to confront her about it, but right now is not that time
loveddogs
loveddogs
Amy, one thing my husband said to me before we married back when we were just babes was: Remember, you are marrying me, not my family, and visa versa. You don't have to put up with anything you don't want to. Yes in the early days there was family drama that seemed to settle down eventually. There are three of his family members I never want to see or hear from again. So though I had to bite my tongue, many times while my husband was PR for his mom, I now will not put up with any crap from any of them. His parents are gone, he is gone, so if they have a beef, they can discuss it in the afterlife. (doubt they will end up in the same place) This is now my life and I choose to by pass the drama. Not my circus, not my monkeys. Hugs and Love to you, Michele
KimKos
KimKos
Amy I'm so sorry that you have to feel this way. I had alot of issues with my BIL and he would blow me away.eith some of shit he would say..one day though he hit way below the belt and it snapped me to the point that I started really listening to what was coming out of his mouth..and I realized it was HIS bullshit... We are.at an ok place now in my book I don't ever see us singing around a campfire but nor do I ever see his.words hurting me ever again. For me its about forgivness I really hope that one day you can feel the peace that I do today on dealing with others BS...sending you.a very big hug!!
letmehelpyou
letmehelpyou
Well, your SIL is a b**ch from hell and you should ignore her. Selfish and insecure don't begin to cover it. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, but her response is a sign of a stunted personality. Ignore her and let it go. Not for her sake, but for yours.

Hugs,
Val
wifeofjoe
wifeofjoe
I'm sorry that you are in this position. Joe and I never had to ask anyone for help. We were completely self sufficient. He did most of the "blue" jobs and I did most of the "pink" jobs with a few crossovers in between.

Now I'm needing to ask for help. It's hard. I don't want people to think I'm taking advantage either - that has crossed my mind a lot.

Yesterday someone told me that right now it's my turn to have people lift me up and help me. One day it will be my turn to do the same for someone else. That outlook has help a little bit.
scottito
scottito
I understand how hard it can be to ask for help. And when you do and have it thrown back in your face - I can't even begin to imagine. Me, I've always been the helper, few times have I ever asked for help (my wife and I always seemed to manage). But now I so appreciate all she did and it was a lot. So I've just had to let some things go - like the yardwork. Well, today our son, three grandkids and one of their cousins came to visit me. Our son took it upon himself to mow the yard for me (never happened before - even when he was a youngster). And the 4 kids all pitched in and weaded an area for me. I never asked - and that is always the sweetest blessing of all. It came from their hearts. Me, I just had resolved myself that it'll be winter soon and maybe I'd get to it come Spring when I felt better. But I'm thanking God for the help.
God bless you all ~ Scott
cgriff4ever
cgriff4ever
hmmm sounds like my sil... she says life goes on.. tells me she knows tells me she knows how I feel... because she lost her husband to divorce..that is different, doesnt even compare,to losing a husband to death, and if she does ever lose her husband, she still cant compare griefs, because it will still not be the same. IT IS GOOD, for you to ask for help, I had to send a text out to all off my "supposed" friends, who kept saying, call or text if you need anything. The two people who did help were new friends I had acquired because of my husband passing away. I want you remember something a close friend told me awhile back. Remember how you feel when you help someone or give them a gift, it lifts your spirits and makes you feel good. Remember there are people that want to be blessed by helping you too! Ask, those who are truly there to help in anyways they can, and don't take it too personally when someone you think would help doesnt, sometimes they just don't know what to say or do, and might be afraid that they might say/do something to make you cry. big hugs carla
mclizm
mclizm
Jeez Louise, what a bitch! As if you don't have enough going on already that some stupid woman would think you were after her husband! I know how hard it is to ask friends for help and then wait because you don't want to keep hassling them but you need things fixed. I wish I'd paid more attention when PJ did things around the house. I've done a few things myself but in the end I decided to hire someone. He was a really nice guy. Spent a day at my house doing a variety of tasks. I felt it was money well spent. It must be so much harder when you can't even rely on family during this difficult time. Sending you a big hug, Liz.
Nicker07
Nicker07
I have heard, been told, and read here some of the same stuff. And had a close neighbor's girlfriend accuse me of honing in....gees

I do not get people. And they do not get us widows/widowers. Once it happens to them they will.

It is true those who said any time you need help just call but some how when you do call there's a reason they do not, or someone else makes something else out of it. And I found what someone else wrote here people in the back ground pop up more than not to help vs those who thought would.

AHH human nature...sometimes good something well the B word with a big B
handg
handg
We were usually the ones that help others and I don't like asking for help. I am bless that one of my sibling has given me help on numerous occasions and given me heck for doing things myself at times but then says he is proud of me for doing so. Just over a year ago at the age of 51 he had to have emergency surgery to repair his carotid artery and had a major stroke on the operating table where they work 45 minutes to bring him back so obviously I do not like to trouble him but it hurts his feelings if it's something important and I don't ask. My husband and him were great buddies and he and I always had a good relationship so I feel blessed. I am one to always give it my best first before asking for help and there were a few times when I ask for help with someone else and was made to feel like crap despite having help the same person over and over for years.I finally told my SIL one day that once she lost her husband she could give me a call for help, that hopefully I would be a better person than she was to me. Shut her up and now we have a better relationship...I don't put up with her bs.
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