thats a lot of exes

maybe that is why they are exes

I think I’d let it go. There were several people that I expected to be there for me at my husband’s services and they were not. I’m not gonna call them out on it cause their excuses will hurt even more.

The exes can be a pain, for sure. Most of mine wrote me off. Sam's (my second late husband's) ex wife, however has shown her hiney a couple times, meaning that she plays the part of the bereaved widow. She even went so far as to purchase the two plots next to his - since she's still a part of his family and I'm not. No matter that she divorced him and has been married to another man for 25 years or so. I remarried too after he had his heart attack, but I did wait a year to do so. I agree that you probably should let it go, as you don't need bitterness on top of grief. Save your energy for more important things.

Thank you for the input....and yes just trying to keep it all in perspective, there are so many areas I need to, and am, devoting my energy to, it's just confusing and kind of bother some, because as I said I just don't get it; if the situation were reversed I couldn't imagine not extending a few words of comfort and support to him...

Yeah, my two oldest sons' dad is still alive. Now his 4th wife has cancer. I suppose they have been decent concerning my losses; they sent cards but did not attend either service. He will be alone if anything happens to her, but he's really a jerk. I wouldn't take him back in a million years. He should have treated me right back in the day, and we might have been a happy family. Perish the thought...

It has to do with how your ex thinks your sons are reacting to losing their step-dad. Also, you mentioned you had missed a call from your ex; perhaps that was when he tried to convey condolences. Just a thought.

Most of us lost support from our spouses' families - not exes - myself included. My BIL gave a beautiful eulogy at Cliff's funeral. But since that time, he made no effort to stay in touch with me or his nephews. After 30 years of being family, that was hard. I could understand it perhaps for me, but it upset me that my BIL was not there for my sons who really needed the support.

It is always amazing to me who helps and who abandons us. I would let the whole issue with your ex go.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Some of us guys have great difficulty extending love, compassion, and hide ourselves from emotional interactions. I avoided all funerals like the plague. And then there is a love that remains for the mother/father of our children., and loyalty to his wife could also be at play. Word I use to describe my old self is stoic. All I had to give was my love to my wife. It was not within me at the time to go beyond that. And I certainly was blinded to reaching out and offering support to hurting people. I would not waste emotional energy thinking about this. Let him be and just accept that is the way he is. People can and do change. Took my wife's death for me to see changes in myself I wanted to make. Scott

Lamb1, I'm so sorry that we're sharing this journey. I had to work on my own "let it go" the weekend after Kurt passed.
My husband's sister and brother-in-law were more than family to us. They were also close friends. Over the past few years circumstances eroded that relationship and Kurt cut off contact with his sister. My brother-in-law and two amazing nephews were "collateral damage" as he put it. Although he loved them fiercely he couldn't see how we could keep in contact without having his sister back in his life.
On his last Monday on Earth Kurt's cousin phoned to let him know that his sister had died suddenly. Her husband found her empty body when he went upstairs.
Three days later it was my turn to find Kurt's empty body.
Over the weekend that followed I realized that no matter how many people initially rally around us only those who have experienced this type of loss can truly understand what we're going through. My brother-in-law, nephews, my son and I were cast adrift in similar boats. So Ed (my son) and I composed a note to offer our condolences and whatever help we could give to keep us all afloat.
To speed it's receipt Ed went to deliver the note to their mailbox
The next day he reluctantly told me that my brother-in-law saw him coming up the walk and met him on the porch, eyes blazing with anger. He knew that Kurt had passed three days earlier and still said to his son "What do YOU want?" Ed handed him the note, bro-in-law mumbled "Sorry for you loss" and went back inside and closed the door.
My suppressed anger found a target, Momma Bear style. I was in the same horrible place emotionally but no amount of emotional strain could make me treat my grieving nephews the way that Ed was treated.
The anger wasn't easy to work through but it was worth doing because I still love my brother-in-law. I've given him a pass and consider his reaction to be a one-off. I can't know what he was feeling or where the misplaced hostility came from. All I can do is to let go of my anger and confusion and hope that one day we can talk to each other again.
My advice is try to give your Ex a pass too, if not for your own emotional sake than for the sake of your sons. I've no doubt that you'll speak to each other again and will have the chance to sort it out.
With you in spirit,
Ellen J

I think I'm actually glad all my exes and exes-in-laws keep their distance, geographically and otherwise. We were the black sheeps anyway, so go figure. My last two husbands and I did not have children together other than one adopted, and the adopted son has been pretty much written off too - not by me but by his dad's family. I might add that adoption was prevalent in his family.

You are entitled to your feelings. Whatever you are feeling is the right thing. If it hurt you, acknowledge it but then let try to let go of it. Moving forward really helps.