Darrell has been gone for 5 months today, so I suppose that's why I was awake and out of bed at 5:15 this morning. (He must be on East Coast time now.) I did go out to get the newspaper (that one's for you, Julie Wordlady), first thing; then coffee; then onto this board. Have been reviewing (reviewing? - yeesh, I've really got to get back to grass-roots speak - sounds like I'm preparing to write a report!) the past months and where I'm at in this grief journey.

Another of the points (there I go again with the presentation-ese!) I've discovered about The Rollercoaster is that of maniacal behavior. I'm not talking crazy here, but the superlative form of crazy: maniacal.

Immediately after Darrell died, I was numb - and maniacal. Scrubbed and cleaned everything, even the door hinges. (Oops! I lied - did not touch the car which needs a cleaning more than anything else, but - hey! - I was grief-stricken, right? I'm still waiting for the cleaning mania to hit me to do THAT little task.).

Within 2 weeks after he died, I was still numb - and maniacal. Grabbed the phone and called insurance companies, banks, credit card companies and retirement benefits places (anyone ever dealt with CalPERS? - my suggestion: don't! Just reconcile yourself to the fact that you're going to eat grass and live under a bridge for the rest of your days. There's always a long phone wait to talk to anyone, but my record is 3 1/2 hours - good thing I've kept my landline wall phone as a backup.)

Within 2 months after he died, the numbness had worn off and I was now in the throes of grief - and maniacal. I was calling friends, relatives and anyone who would listen - even the UPS guy. I even got my phone service changed to a flat rate/month for all the calls you can make within the U.S. (That's been a real boon for me; although, if you asked my friends, relatives and the UPS guy, they might differ in opinion.)

Within 4 months after he died I was still in the throes of grief - and maniacal. I became an online shopaholic (I've been told that this is called "retail therapy" - I like that). I have - not just A whole new wardrobe - but at least enough new wardrobes to clothe all the women (and even some men) in Asia.

So, here I am at 5 months after my darling husband died, still in the throes (but shorter throes) of grief - and still maniacal. I've eased up on the cleaning (I think I hear someone in heaven saying my mom's feeling faint), the calling and the shopping (maybe the logic of "you DO have a financial limit, here, girl" has kicked in on the shopping). I have discovered friends - the kind who not only listen but acutually can relate completely - on a website called Daily Strength. I'm so much better but my new mania is all of you!!!

(Holy cow I'm long-winded!! Just how long is "winded" anyway. Do you measure that in inches, feet, miles...? Oh, well. Not important. However it's measured, I've gone way beyond the limits.)

Thank you all (anyone still here or did everyone drop out/fall asleep after about the 500th word?) for letting me vent...hmmm..."vent"...I wonder...okay! I'm leaving, I'm leaving...

Hugs,

Terry