Lizbeth, Few of us had a fun filled holiday filled with joy. Frankly we just navigated the waters and got through it. The loneliness is something we all know and share in common. It sucks but it is a part of this journey we are on and cannot escape. Vent all you care too girl as we are here to support and be with you. This is truly the journey from hell and nothing can heal our pain! Just remember that the Dewman and others are traveling the same path and know how you feel and are hurting with you! All I have to offer so kind words and emotions sent through the keyboard wishing you peace and happiness in the future> Hard to image now but I'm sure it will come to U in time. Peace to you Liz! Hugs to U from the Montana Dewman!

Dewey

Thanks for venting for me. All I need to say is ditto. Different players, but at the end of the day it is the story with the same very familiar ending.

I'm getting ready to put the holiday decorations away. I didn't put the big tree up and may never again. I did decorate with garland and lights and tabletop decorations. The reality of it all is hitting me hard today, so thank you Lizbeth for posting - the sadness is in my heart but I didn't have the words. Karen

Vent away! You have earned the right to do so. Lori

Lizbeth,
Maybe that is what I am feeling " that reality has set in" because a house full of people didn't give me any joy or fun for the holiday. I got through is but would say I am definitely worse for the wear these past 2 days. Yesterday was awful and this morning was horrible too. Finally took a pill to calm down and have stopped crying for a few minutes. Everyone elses life goes on, but we here traveling this road are stuck in grief. It tough and I am feeling beat up today, Having dinner with my stepsons tonight at a restaurant and not looking forward to that because its just a painful reminder that someone very special is missing. I love them, but this is not a want to, this is a feel like I have to event since I ducked out on Christmas day from seeing them. Just too painful this first year without their Dad. I want this year over, but the new year just brings on more challenges of facing the whole year without him. I wish some peace and happiness to each and every one on this road and send hugs to each of you. Robyn

Lizbeth . . . I whole heartedly concur with your sentiments! The Holidays were tough, however there were a lot of distractions from the feelings of loneliness and everyday life. We are once again left with "self" and back to grief work. I've given myself permission to shut down this week between Christmas and New Year's, ignoring my to do list, ie staying busy, in hopes of recouping some scattered energies. Hopefully I will be in better form when we bring in the New Year. I have started creating my 2015 goal list. I find that having goals, albeit small ones helps me stay somewhat on track. Big round of hugs to all . . . xo Dayna

Lizbeth, Thank you for your post and venting all that I feel . For my 1st year without my husband I had a house filled with family for Christmas Eve and Christmas day with all the things my husband used to love, then Friday went to oldest daughter's for dinner and gifts, yesterday to youngest daughter's to give gifts as there is a situation in the family that makes them stay away from most of the family. Even though I have a daughter and 4 grandsons living here - (they went away for 5 days) also my 40 yr old deaf son lives with me and yet I had a total meltdown yesterday of things are over and I am alone !!!!
as you said
"I sit here with a lump in my throat and ready to let it go and cry. It's too quiet! I miss my love. I love the holidays but dread when they are over. Back to reality, back to lonliness, back to thinking too much. I come to ds to smile once in a while but it doesn't last"
I also come to DS to read what others have shared . Again thank you and Hugs to you ! Carol

Carol, Lizabeth,

The quiet and loneliness are one of the most difficult and hardest parts of this journey. I personally do not do alone well as I am a people person and like to banter and interact with others. Now I'm retired I have way too much time on my hands and my vortex of a mind rambles constantly. I am my own worst problem! Being a former computer programmer my analytical mind will not leave me alone. I cannot just drop it and my mind needs an scientific answer for everything! However many are just not there and I seeking answers that are not available in the world my mind is trained to operate in. The point of this has escaped me at this time of the morning so I may not have had a point! Best to all from the dishevealed Dewman writing from never never land wondering what the he@@! Dewey

I think you hit the nail on the head! The reality of it all. You can keep busy, be with friends, even smile and laugh! But at the end of the day that cold hard reality hits you in the face.
I'm at 7 months today and the pain is still very real.
Thanks for your post - I think we all feel the same way as you!
Big hugs to you -

Renee, Reality sucks and we are living it! The quite and the loneliness is what makes it so very difficult to cope! Missing your best friend is difficult but also I'm extremely thankful for the time I was given with a special spirit!

Hugs to all of you out there in DS land!

Dewman

Yep, I agree Dewman, reality does suck!!!! I cannot believe that 30 years flew by like that and that Art is gone. The ache I have in my heart reminds me that I was blessed to have loved so deeply. But the loneliness is overwhelming!!! That is why I am happy that I am keeping busy. I wish I had an off switch to my brain. Wouldn't that be nice!!! I pray that the year ahead will be better too. Hugs. Sue

Sue,

If you find that off switch keep me in mind! When I take off standby! Wild ride ahead!

Hug to all!

Dewey

Oh! My! I thought I was disjointed this morning but after reading some posts here, I realize that I'm not alone.

I'm at work but have a house full of out-of-town guests. It actually felt good to get to work today. When I get home this evening they'll all be gone.....I know I'll miss them but I will cherish being able to think some quiet thoughts. Never thought I'd be looking forward to that again!

My poor house, will it survive? I know it will after Horton and I put it back together again!

- Another couple of holidays DONE! Now, I only have to face Valentine's Day. Folks don't think I should be alone for any of it.

- Family, friends who think I should NOT be alone to think my thoughts!

For the last couple of years Morey wasn't celebrating anything. He had forgotten what holiday was when so it really didn't matter to him. His dementia was slow and painful for all of us! Although I would remind him and celebrate them with special dinners and presents, there was no reciprocation.

For many, many years we celebrated our love with any excuse we could think of by buying each other gifts and going away to just be with each other. I loved holding his hand and just being beside him!

I MUST learn to celebrate ALONE!

Roz

That's all gone now.......all I have are memories and tons and tons of pictures.

Roz, yesterday went to the store to pick up a birthday card for a friend and all the Valentine Day cards were out. One card caught my attention right off the bat and it said "To My Sweetheart."

Gez, the tears started to flow.

Lizbeth I feel the same. my girls and \I spend a few days by my sister. She is always entertaining. With all the activities I see the loneliness in my kids. I fell that Christmas will never be the same again.
I feel your pain, sadness and loneliness.