same here fish, same here, I do the same thing, put on a happy face at work , I cannot confide in co workers that I do not trust,
I do however confide in people at grief share meeting and my therapist, and they have helped me trememdously, and the people on here have helped as well,
I think we all put on that happy face,
I sure cant quit my job, although ide like to , haha
but its been 13 months for me , and I know weve spoken before, but I think it is getting alittle better with time, as long as I don't think too long about what happened, then its bad , real bad ,
them times are getting less frequent for me,
good luck to you
god bless
your friend
Diane / HUGS

FISH , ALSO PLEASE KEEP IN MIND THAT anyone that committed suicide had some sort of mental illness, please don't in any way feel it is your fault.
daughteromine on here , has some excellent words of wisdom on suicide , I keep on learning more and more about the subject,
hope this helps
Diane

Thanks Diane. I don't feel at fault for what he did. He suffered from depression since he was a teen, long before I ever knew him. And have since learned he attempted suicide twice before, and well before our time together. I feel sad that he was in that place and sad that there was nothing I could do or say to him to make a difference at the end. Sadly he needed to do this. I am still very much reliving things. Its such a painful thing.
Jane

The award would go to me. I am sitting here with my high school friend and her husband. He just said to me, "Sue, you are having the time of your life". What, he really did not just say that. But I had to stop and think is it because I can fake it so well, laugh, socialize while deep down my heart is breaking and I really would much rather be with Art then anywhere else. Yes, I guess I would win an award tonight. Still amazed at how they do not get it!!!

Guess I am not there yet. I still cry every five minutes no matter what i do. I try to put on a calm but not happy face but 1-2 hrs is still my limit before I have to be alone. I just cannot be around people for very long. I have seen others on this site say they feel that way. I went to dentist yesterday and had a panic attack. Scared me really bad. Guess I have a very long way to go. Glad you are moving forward in this battle back to life.

Yeah, I don't want to be a downer either. When they say that I seem to be doing so well, I just tell them I'm not, but...you know. Most people are happy to get what I mean. That odd one that gets huggy and wants to know the details about what I am actually feeling, they make me uncomfortable.There's one lady at church like that and when I opened up once she said things that made me feel worse. You can't win. So sorry you have to go through this. I am trying to adjust my medication to keep my anxiety under control. Too much causes severe digestive issues. Too little and I just sit and do nothing all day. Good luck with your journey through this no matter how you choose to handle it.

Ya know, with the right script, we could put on a Broadway show! Too bad I can't sing worth a damn! But I sure have been dancing as fast as I can for a long time....

I started off as lead actor, and moved into best supporting role. I actually mastered how to fake caring about all the diddly-shit that people complained about that was so completely and utterly unimportant but they were too stupid to realize it. "Bad day at the nail salon? Oh you poor thing!" "Your hubby wants to watch football instead of taking you shopping? Oh you poor thing!" .... etc.

I sometimes think that if I released all the emotions I have had to stuff away, they would rise like a mushroom cloud and create a whirlwind that would knock people back on their asses. And God forgive me, there are days where I would like to do that.....

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Oh yes!

Its been 31 days for me and I do feel like the actor in some horror flick that wont end. I want the credits to the roll but this is never ending. It is so hard when all you in want in the world is your loved one back home safe and sound.

Oh how I know what you are talking about. The only way to get through this hell is to fake it. I never thought of it as acting but that's exactly what it is. I have had moments where I am talking and smiling with someone and the minute I turn around, I break into tears. I guess my body knows when I'm faking it. There is that saying though, fake it till you make it. Maybe that's the only way to finally get to a point where smiling or laughing actually feels real. I am still waiting for that day but I am trying to stay as positive as possible for my kids. Have fun being great actors today! I wish we could all meet someday.maybe at the actors studio? Ha Ha

Oh Martha, you said it perfectly!
When I hear people complaining about nothing ... "I broke a nail", "I missed the bus", "the waiter forgot my salad dressing" ... I want to scream "I'VE LOST THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, MY HEART IS BROKEN!"

It's so difficult to put on a happy face and pretend to care about petty stuff, when I really want to cry.

Its very comforting to read the comments here and know I am not the only one. Glad to that I am not alone in loathing the petty, insignificant comments from the people around me.

I guess we will all get through our days as best we can. Doing whatever it takes.

Thank you,

I'm a suicide widow also, and I started faking it, a few weeks after. I've always had a positive attitude, but this was different. Every night I would drive home from work, crying. During the day, I kept it together. I don't think, people around you, want to know, how you really are, they just want to see you better. Every once in a while, someone will ask, are you really ok? It does get better, I'm at 5 years. Still lonely, still miss him, but I'm better at living my life now.

Paula

Being a member of the widows club at first sounded horrible to me. I could not say that I was a widow and not feel sick to my stomach. I do have to say that now that I have met so many different women who have lost their husbands I am absolutely impressed with the strength that each and every one of them has shown. Being a widow is hard, but it is honorable. I wish you nothing but the best and in time I believe that you will find peace.

Kymberly

For me the movie lasted about 18 months where I constantly had to act and pretend because I knew the real world couldnt or didnt want to deal with the emotions I was really experiencing. Myself and a dear friend here called it "putting on our face' in public. The good news is I am now at a point where not only do I refuse to put on my face my attitude is accept the real me or not. Life is just to damn short to pretend! Thats my spin on things. I love genuine people because then I can develop genuine relationships. I am truly sorry you were forced into your new role. Eventually it will become part of who you are, but you are so much more than that role. Gerry