The title of "widow" is hard as mentioned in another post. One thing my husband used to say during his ministry is that often people allow their identity to be found in their circumstances...in their pain, in their being a victim of something bad, etc...but that if we are believers in Christ our identiy is found in HIM and not our circumstance. I know not everyone believes what I do so I am not saying this fits everyone...but for me, I keep hearing my husband's words and try to remind myself not to let my identify become I am a widow as that is only one part of who I am. First and foremost I am a child of God, then everything else follows. I still say I am Chris' wife as I feel I always will be even if he is not here. Then I am a daughter, so and so's friend, my career, etc. Being a widow/widower is one piece of who we are but it isn't the only part and I am trying not to let it be the biggest part. I am not sure if this helps but I hope it does a little. God bless.

I think your being to hard on yourself. This is a incredibly difficult time for all of us, and I think just getting through each day is enough. In my support group they encourage writing a journal and putting in whatever you want. It's a great way to express what your feeling.

Take care and God Bless,

Russ

During my first year I journaled. I wrote down dreams if I could remember them and how I felt that day. It really helped me. I'm at 2.5 years and I have my journal saved on a flash drive. I still can't bring myself to go back and read those painful entries. I guess that is the same way that I haven't been able to go back and look at the sympathy cards I have in a box.

I think that I don't want to revisit that painful time in my life. I'm trying to be more positive in my day to day living now. I hope that sometime I am at a place where I can go back and read my journal entries.

I think my entries were a way of remembering that time because my memory was so bad that I couldn't remember much. I was afraid I'd lose part of him if I didn't journal about that first difficult year.

Nessie from KY

That is exactly what I was trying to get at. It is not who I am. It is only an event in my life here on earth. I'm grateful for your late husband's words of wisdom. Very helpful! I can not bring myself to say that I am Mike's wife because, like the Prov 31 woman, I am not living the life of a wife. She "does" things. I have not been able to exercise my wifely muscles, so I don't feel like a wife. Being a "doer" is probably one of my greatest liabilities. I know I am not alone in that. :) Many ladies are the same way. Baking cakes, cooking dinner, hugs, thank you cards, etc...

I also found writing poetry after my wife died and I believe it saved me. It also made me realize I could write and it brings me joy along with the pain. As my journey changes so does my writing and I hope to write joyful poems one day but for now i write about how my heart feels and if it is sad and lonely then thats what I write about. I know when the time is right I will hope to inspire with my words. There is no getting around this journey of pain, we need to jump into the pain to come out renewed it is not an easy road. Jesus did not say "no I will not carry my cross", he went into the pain and was reborn for a greater purpose than himself. mel40 you are so new in your loss at only 4 months so you need to give yourself the time to process this incredible loss in whatever way your heart desires. To say you are playing the widow card at such an early stage of losing your life as you knew it is saying we all are playing the widow card and that is just not fair to yourself to think you should be moved on by now. If writing these poems or journaling gets you through another day another moment then it is good, it is helping you to get it out. It is helping you process this whole mess. Just go with it and see where it takes you, keeping an open heart and an open mind and trusting in our God to guide you always he will not fail us. Blessings to you and keep writing. Bernard

I understand what you are saying--and I do think sometimes we keep ourselves in a sad or isolated spot--and sabotage happiness or moving forward by holding onto things we could and should let go--letting go is hard. On the other hand I have come to understand that being a widow has more sad ramifications than the obvious--obviously we are suddenly alone--and there are quite often financial issues--issues with property and businesses--so many things to deal with along with the loneliness and emptiness that overwhelms us in the months and years after such a loss. I think it's those "other" issues though that sometimes keep us in a "stuck" spot. In years past churches and communities and neighbors felt an obligation to reach out to widows, especiallly widows with children, but even older widows. In today's world widow's aren't viewed with a lot of compassion in my opinion. Sadly I think we are seen as a liability without a lot to offer--lots of other women see us as "threats" even though we are not the least bit interested in their men lol (or any romantic relationship) for a lot of us lol---churches see us as a drain--without the financial means to support the church or organization as we did when our spouse was still here (whether or not that is the case). I honestly think that when we pick up on how we are viewed by society it plays on our emotions and minds and keeps us mired in that "worthless" and "hopeless/helpless" state of mind. Hope that makes sense to someone besides me. It's something I fight continuously.
Wanda

Mel, just do what feels right to you. If you feel journal writing alleviates your suffering, there is nothing wrong with it. Nowadays there are no fast rules regarding how we should manage our widowhood. Don't be too hard on yourself. It is early days still.

Wanda, I so agree with you about the way society perceives us. I wrote a post a few days ago about being a reluctant widow. Because I have noticed the slight but noticeable shift of attitude from people when I mention that I am a widow so I have decided not to mention it, unless it is imperative. This is probably due to my pride and that I do not want my newly re-acquired self-confidence to be knocked sideways.

I have also noticed in my various readings that literature seldom portraits widows as positive characters. They are mostly described as poor, old, needy, black, bringing bad luck, wearing widow weeds, etc. I do not want to be associated with these qualifications. But that is just me.

I have to tell you that this conflict is good. You can see that the feelings in your writing is not all that you are. Your husband is speaking through your conscience. With each contradiction you feel, you may see a possibility open. But get those things out, if only to find the foothold and handholds to climb up. Jewell

I can tell you are a do-er because you judge yourself for being " inactive". However, view your self study as a very important work, because re-examining one's life takes concentration, mental endurance. That is why in a regular circumstances, we neglect this deep insight into our mind and into our heart.
You are remapping your life, and it is important that you take your time, and look inside of yourself.
Blessing

I see your journaling as a stepping stone to move ahead, not as holding you back. We often say we can't move past grief, we must move through it. In order to move "through" our emotions we must identify them. Understand them by name be it sadness, anger, loneliness or whatever. And we need to feel them with tears, screams, or writing them.
Only then can we release them, accept their presence, and see tomorrow as the possibility it is. Being stuck, to me, is giving up. I think the word has been carelessly used to label the step of adjusting what our life is today, what it was yesterday, and what it can be tomorrow. That isn't stuck, it's strength. Sharon

I think the release of pain is often the source of artistic endeavor -- think of great authors, poets, composers, and artists. And your journal entries do seem like artistic endeavors, filled with allusions to manifestations of mystery and sadness like forests and gray skies. I think you should continue to journal and may one day find your writings a valuable memory of your love for your husband and perhaps even a source of comfort or inspiration.

I, myself, write in a joiurnal each evening, but on a much more mundane level. I keep a sort of diary in the form of letters to my husband (who died in March). Though sometimes I write about what I did that day, most often I whine about how sad and lonely I am. He was a very positive person and I often think he is telling me not to be so negative; but I continue to complain anyway (as I did when we were together -- LOL). .

Best to you,
Dorothy

Lol Dorothy! Great feedback everybody. I'm not very artistic and have no hope as a melancholic author. I do whine and complain and rarely look back at old writings. There is no point because yesterday is gone. I just don't want to do myself the injustice of playing the "widow" card on myself. Victim, survivor or whatever label will only limit me. I was not born to be hemmed in by limits. I'm a wild child by nature, coloring outside the lines and laughing while I do it. That is why I grew up to be a teacher ;) I live by my own rules and march to my own drumbeat. And I encourage others to do the same. (Every teacher will agree that we are a little crazy! In a good way)

Mel, I think there is so much that we feel that we need to express in some fashion or we feel like we will burst. When you had a constant companion and confidant, that was easy. When you lose that person, and your friends are tired of hearing it, what are you supposed to do? Journaling certainly helps get it out. I think it is also a bit of a gift we give ourselves - a chronicle for our own use to see how far we've come as we move farther down the road. There is nothing wrong with that. And I wrote some of my best stuff when I was in the worst pain.

As far as "the widow card" .... There are those who will wrap themselves up in their mourning like a shroud, and hang onto the pain as long as possible. There comes a point, in my opinion, when you realize that holding onto the pain of the loss is NOT holding onto your loved one - it is not the only connection. But there are those who will adamantly not face this, those who think it is more comfortable, more familiar, and preferable to be regarded as a tragic figure. In my opinion, and it is only my opinion, that is not healthy or reasonable, and does absolutely NOTHING to honor the ones we lost.

I have said it before, and I will say it again: I do not want Cliff's legacy to be that his death destroyed me. That would dishonor everything about him, about us, about myself.

It takes time to recover from such a deep loss. It is not a quick and easy process. But at the same time, I think it is good and healthy to ask ourselves if we are playing the widow card - if we are getting a little too comfortable playing a role instead of being our true selves. In the first couple of years - no, I wouldn't worry too much about it.

In that first awful year, I had a friend here who was a writing professor at a small college. She and I agreed that we really needed a new term to replace "widow" - we hated that word and it didn't express any of the things we felt nor who we were or who we were becoming. I still feel that way, even though I carry the title of widow for the rest of my life. But I carry it now with all the others - wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, aunt, and even CL. :) I was always "Martha" not just "Cliffskat" and I still am.

I think you're going to be all right Mel. And I'll bet your husband is saying "That's my girl!"

Love and Hugs,
Martha

C'mon, Mel, don't be so hard on yourself. My personal journal is 425 typewritten pages long, and still going. And, as I've said before, if I took the cursing out, it'd be 350 pages. Your journal is for you, and you only. Not your DH, not your family - for you. And if the good, bad and ugly come out, all the better. I thought to myself, I don't care what comes out, nor how many times I repeat myself. I've just got to do it. And I have. And I continue to. Hugs, Marsha

Thanks Martha!