Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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avmom 05/01/2017

It is funny how everything I do now takes on a life of it’s own. Nothing is ever simple it seems to overwhelm me whether it is good or bad. I had a great weekend. I drove out to meet some old friends of mine. They live about an hour and half away. I would never drive in the past, I hate driving. I would always leave it to my husband but he is not here now so I have to make myself do it. As usual I got lost but I was proud when I made it. I spent the night at a hotel against the protests of my friends, but it was the first time since my husband death 7 weeks ago since I have been alone. It felt good to be alone with my tears. After I cried I felt so good and slept so well. I ended up meeting four friends and two of them were widows. It was nice to be myself and to know it was OK. I laughed and felt relieved I didn’t feel like someone was judging me. As I was heading home all I could think about how such a simple thing and driving to meet friends has become such a big deal for me.

My mind is also swirling with selling my house. I had a realtor come and appraise it. I can get a good chunk cash out of it that can help me relocate. The problem is I am on a tight timeline. I plan to move to the east coast and be near my family, I have no one here. I would need to be on the East coast by September to be able to get the kids enrolled in school. They are in their second year at high school and of course they don’t want to leave but they understand something has to happen. My family is trying to be as supportive as they can but I am not sure they really understand the pressure I am now to make this move in the timeline I have. In a way getting the house appraised was a big step but making the call to put in on the market will be the next big step. I know once I set this in motion it will go by so quick and that is scary.

Oh and my sons got approved for $1800 in Social Security benefits, that will really help.

Freebee 05/01/2017

I'm sorry for your loss. It is funny how we have to learn to do things on our own.I can't seem to take big steps only small ones. Everything is up to me now. I think strength comes in time.

Kimberlina 05/01/2017

Hi AV My husband used to do all the driving also. My first jaunt was to my daughters 3 plus hours away depending on bay area traffic. I am proud of you. I think the being alone time was also good for your soul. I do not have any still living at home but when they were there I finally had to as them to leave so I could let it all out. Sometimes being strong for everyone else can be trying. It is nice that you got to be with friends and live a little.

Selling your home is a lot of stress on your already stressful life. Take time to breathe every now and again. Do you know where it is exactly that you would like to move? Maybe a relative could let your children stay with them if the timing is not just right. I will pray that move and change in your life will be a smooth transition. Take care

avmom 05/01/2017

Kimberlina- My move would be to the same town both my siblings live in. Yes, I have talked to them about having the boys stay with them and start school if the house doesn't close by then. They have all been very helpful. My husband and I were working on moving when he died, we had started getting the house ready but were looking to move in another state. The move was to be in two years more of a retirement. I just don't want to do this alone anymore and I want my kids to have family around them.

Kimberlina 05/01/2017

I agree doing this alone is HARD. It is nice that your family will be there to help and be around for the kids. 3 to 5 years until I can retire and then I will move to where ever my kids may be by then. Hopefully somewhere cheaper than California.

avmom 05/01/2017

I am in California now so I am hoping moving elsewhere will be a bit cheaper.

cliffskat 05/04/2017

I am glad the Social Security came through - that should help take some pressure off. I can also understand the financial pressure making you want to move out of CA -- it was part of the reason Cliff and I left CA. I would still be leery of the move. Family can help some, but they will not be able to take your pain away, and the kids may have more problems with the disruption of moving than staying put. One thing I learned from my own family growing up was that moving when we did, while my older brother was midway through high school, was a disaster for us. He wasn't able to land the big scholarships which he was in line for if we had stayed on a couple more years until he finished. His peers all went on to ivy league schools and he was stuck going to a small tech college because none of his teachers knew him or us, so he wasn't recommended for any of the big scholarships and awards. This had a lifelong impact on him, and the whole family by extension. As for me, I was an incoming freshman in a strange town with no friends and no support, and it was horrendous. I was bullied and harrassed, and I look back on those times as some of the worst of my life. I would ask you just to be very clear about why you are wanting to move, and very clear about the possible impacts on the kids before you do so. You may be able to pick up where you left off on the East Coast, but they will be starting from scratch, and under tough circumstances. I think you and they would be better off waiting a couple years and letting them finish where they are. It is a hugely life-changing move for them you are considering. Just please carefully consider what you are proposing.

The getaway with friends sounds like it was the perfect break, and I am glad you got a break.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

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