I don't know how close you are to her in proximity, or whether you both work, but my first reaction is to touch base with her every day or every other day. Close contact, even if just for a few minutes means so much. A phone call can make my day.

Hi-I am at three years and I wish my two daughters both married and one who has my two grandchildren would just talk to me about their Dad...oh they do but just snippets. I know they loved him and miss him but just to carry on a whole conversation about their Dad. I don't know why they don't. I guess they figure I will cry and I will sometimes. I just want to know they miss him as much as I do. That is all I want from my daughters. Their Dad loved them so. Hugs, Chris

Call her every day at a certain agreed upon time. Just let her tell you about her day - big things and little things, also share how you are feeling. In the beginning keep the conversation light , and don't try to "fix" things. Also remember ( like you could forget) that you need time to get help with your own issues.

My girlfriend and I have a pact - we call or write each other almost every day, and only one person is "allowed" to be depressed at a time. We talk about weird and off topic things, also big things, and most of the time we just listen without judgement. We both have permission to slap each other in the face too - like when she helped me find a dress for a special occasion, and she said that I dressed like a Nun!!!!! Constructive criticism - I love it, and started showing "the girls" from that day out!!!

Good luck with this - it's an awesome responsibility.

Best regards
Vicki

Vicki,

Your girlfriend sounds like my best friend in Tennessee...isn't it wonderful to have a person in your life that actually will say

"Yes honey, that dress makes your a$$ look enormous...chuck it and lets go shopping :)"

(((hugs)))

Carla

I am sorry for your loss. First, you should understand that there is nothing you could have done that would have completely taken away your mother's grief, just as nothing she can do for you now will completely ease yours.

Also, her grief will be different from yours - every relationship is unique and she will likely miss things from hers that are different from aspects of yours.

I'm at over 4.5 years. The main thing I appreciate is when people don't try to act like Cliff never existed. I spent 30 years of my life with him - MY life - so there is no way he can be completely erased from my life without erasing ME. I didn't enter the Witness Protection program - I became a widow. My history didn't change, and 30 years of it was with Cliff. It makes me crazy when people try to change the subject or something because I am telling a story of something that happened to us together. Some memories may make me cry, but now more of them make me smile.

Perhaps the best thing you can do is just understand that somedays are always going to be hard - like their wedding anniversary and his birthday and such. I've been through our wedding anniversay 5 times now without Cliff, and every one of them was rough going, even though most days are pretty good now.

I hope this helps, and I am sorry you have both had to go through this. I did everything I could to comfort my mother after my father died, and it wasn't easy. You two are fortunate that you still have each other to lean on. When Cliff died, it left me the last one standing - we'd already buried all 4 of our parents. Cherish each other, too.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

How sweet of you for wanting to reach out to your mom while you are still so early in your grief.

Please forgive me if what I'm about to say sounds obvious, but maybe the best way to know what she needs is to simply ask her. Let her know what a huge support she is being for you, and tell her you want to respond in ways that are most meaningful to her.

As DS has shown, we each respond to loss in our own unique way, so it's not always easy for others to intuitively know how to treat us. Instead of trying to guess, sometimes the easiest way to know is a sincere "Please let me know what you need from me". It's quite possible that your true expression of your desire to help is all she really needs.

With prayers for acceptance and peace for you both...Juanita

Thank you all for your help. Where else could I ask a question like this. Because she is alone and in another city I have always called her everyday and we do talk about Dad but maybe not in the detail she would like.
Martha your advice hit home. I did remember their anniversay and his birthday the first couple of years. After that I think it was hit and miss.Not that I wasn't thinking of him on those days but I was afraid to bring it up to her, I do think we (I have a brother and a sister) see her as just herself and now I know that I don't want to be thought of in that way myself, Mom and Dad were married for 63 years and Charlie and I for 45. For us, and I'm sure for you and Clff, those years were our life.
I know I am very lucky to have my Mom. She is 88 and still doing well. That won't always be the case. Now that I am no longer Charlie's caregiver I can be there for her.

In the last few weeks I've come to realize how short I have always fallen when it comes to comforting people I know who have lost a spouse. It will never happen again.
Julie

Juanita:
We must have been replying at the same time. Your suggestion is a good one, too. I will ask her. She has been so busy trying to help me and I know it has to be extra hard for her, still mourning Dad. She and Charlie were really close , too. We buried him four years to the day that my Dad died.
Julie

Julie,
It's interesting how another person's story can both very close yet very far from our own. My parents were married for 69 years when my dad died in 2008, and my mom had been his primary caregiver throughout more than ten years of illness. My mom is 91 and lives on the first floor of our home. She is extremely self-sufficient for her age. My husband and I were married for 30 years, and he passed away just about 4-1/2 years after my dad. Lloyd, having lost both parents early in life, was quite close to both of mine. Since retiring about four years ago he had taken over my mom's finances, medication oversight, shopping and spent a little time with her most days. She misses him a lot and has now become more dependent on me, which I resent a bit because I'm already overwhelmed by the loss and what another DS member called "death paperwork". Unfortunately, while we live in the same house, my mom and I do not have a close relationship, nor did I have one with my dad. They were kind of enmeshed most of their lives, and a therapist once told me there was just nothing left for me. Sounds sad but it made me more accepting of the way our relationships developed. For both parents, I have been a dutiful daughter, but there was never a bond. I guess this is my loooooong way of saying that if you and your mom are close, you are doing something right. Just let her know how you feel.
Juanita

I know your mom loves you very much as you seem to love her. My experience being a dad and sharing life with a mom to all tells me the best thing you can do is to try and deal with your grief. Your mom will worry about you and hope for your peace of mind. Mothers seem to worry about others more than themselves and that is probably what is most concern to her at this time. Just let her be of help to you is all she probably wants... hugs to you...frank

Mine was a little different Situation. My Daughter, became at Widow at Age 34. I Talked to Her, Helped her, Comforted Her and Prayed for Her. When My Husband, Her Father, Died, a Year and Half ago, She did the same for Me. I Think, that Widows and Widowers, share a common bond. You really don't know what it is like, till You have been there. I'm Sorry for Your loss. Share with Your Mother.