How did I KNOW that I would be here at the house alone today? I just knew. No one ever invites the widow to their social gatherings. It just doesn't happen. Yes, I am having a pity party of sorts. So I have to decide what to do with myself. I may or may not go to the cemetery - since there's no headstone out there yet. I hope to get the order in soon. Where would I put fresh flowers if I bought them? No vase.
I think I will throw some ribs in my crockpot and maybe go shopping. Or I can work in the garage :( even though I don't want to stay here at the house all day. I feel like I may be verging on a meltdown. This is not right, no matter what anyone says.
I really want to die. I find no joy in my life. Everyone I cared for is dead or gone and the people I've met are I guess well meaning but clueless and disengaged because they have their own lives. I am terrified all the time. I'm terrified of losing my shelter, how to eat, whether or not someone is trying to hurt me. I'm so so tired of feeling this way and I've tried reaching out but I feel like...
I’ve been trying to take more pride in myself (encouraging pride, not snobbish pride) but it feels very empty when I cheer myself on. Will the real feelings come eventually? Any advice?