I have also been hurting, being alone.
This is a big holiday week in my town. EVERY one has someone to be with, and I miss my husband. For so many years we were one of those couples walking around town, looking at exhibits together. and the time at home, so comfortable with each other, ... I wish I had cherished every day as the treasure it really was. At church yesterday I told 2 friends that I was missing him. Apparently, that is not OK to do, not even with people who loved him so much while he was here. They changed the subject and left me alone. I wasn't even upset, just being honest. Why are people so dismissive of us? I longed for just a tiny bit of fellowship. That is all.

The unspoken words I'm hearing are, "put your bgps on and shoulder the load." I guess that's what I have done today. I worked out my frustration by working in the garage for about three hours. I got quite a bit done and am almost ready for Mr. Handyman to bring home my last large shelf. But I'm exhausted! I have so much stuff from his businesses, plus. About the time I donate all the better items to Goodwill, they'll decide to have a community wide garage sale. Murphy's Law. Anyway, I am going to go soak in the tub and then do whatever comes next. Although we are not supposed to talk about missing our husbands, yet we are not supposed to reach out for anything to fill that void. I can always tell when people get uncomfortable and as you pointed out, dismissive. Nothing has made it into the crockpot...I should be sitting in a lawn chair at someone's cookout.

I drove out there, left the engine running, took a quick look, and back in the car. I noticed people were putting their fresh flowers in these green cones. I have no clue where to get them, and I guess it's a bit late anyway. It has been a long, hard day for me.

The thing about the way people treat us is they just don't understand. They think they will have their spouses forever just like we did. At least I didn't think it would happen to me. Until you have been there you just don't get it. I didn't anyway.

Feeling lonely is probably the most common thing in the grief of a spouse. I too understand about people not wanting to inviting the widow to functions. Well personally I am tired of that too. I actually went onto google to see how to adults make new friends. My Husband was my best friend!!! No google really did not give me the magic answer but what it did say made sense. I need to make the effort. Not that I have many friends but I have to start by being the initiator. That is going to take a lot of courage but we all have to start somewhere. I pray for better days ahead for you. - Kim

Since I moved after becoming a widow - from a large house into a small duplex - I don't have things "company ready." I did have an invite Sunday night after church for pizza at a couple's house. I went (these are my closest friends here, but there are constraints due to her health and his job). Anyway, I need to quit looking at PhotoShare so I don't see what fun other people are having. I can always head down to the Sr. Center maybe once a week, but that really isn't my cup of tea. I think if I can get through the next few months, I might be better at this. I know I want to start walking, for my own health. I think I am trying to do too much at one time. But why is it that we suddenly become another person after losing our spouses? Why the stigma?

I started walking again last week, maybe not as fast as I once did, but I got off my couch so that is a good thing. Baby steps accomplishing just one little thing is a plus. As to why we have to become different after our losing our spouses is because we are different a part of us has gone. People and even family do not really understand unless they have been there them selves. I just have to keep telling myself this is a long adjustment to life as I used to know.

I'm sorry you were on your own. If I lived near you I would have been happy to have you over. I struggle with building a social life because I am a foreigner where I live - I'm an ex-pat living in England. Cultural differences and the great class divide have made it tough for me here. I have tried 4 different groups here and the only one that has helped has members mostly old enough to be my mother. They have accepted me with open arms, and I do love my "granny friends," but sometimes I just wish I had someone to hang out with that I could have a beer and swear a lot around. Does that sound weird? When you live in a foreign country, it's amazing the things you start to miss! My granny friends do include a couple of widows, but their lives aren't like mine. I have 2 adult autistic sons and will never be a "granny" myself in consequence, and so it does get old for me having to listen to everyone brag about their grandkids.

Everywhere I go I am odd-man-out,

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Even at the cemetery I saw families walking around. I'm thinking, "At least his brother in Portland could have driven down." This so stinks! He probably catered to his wife instead.

I went from having a "bestie" friend who seemed to want to hang out every day to having a "bestie" who is on so many meds that she is either tired or confused most of the time. Things are different now. I am starting to feel like her mother.

I am giving myself permission to skip anything pertaining to graduation this week. It is going to be my call. There are valid reasons why I may not go.

I so agree with Darla2015. Prior to John's death, I didn't think much about how devastated someone was when they lost his/her spouse. I am ashamed to admit that now because I realize how insensitive I was. Even though I get frustrated and aggravated at how my situation isn't recognized at times, I have to remember that there is only one way to fully understand. So sorry that you are feeling so abandoned and alone - I certainly can relate. Roxanne

Im so sorry , Shewearsblackand all of us going through this Hell!! This life seems so unfair now, in this horrible aftermath.!! I spent Memorial day alone also. My own family didn't even worry about me, and honestly, wouldn't want to be around them anyway. I don't have anyone I like or am close 2 anymore!! That guy I was talking to who lost his Mother is very touchy to talk to and he drinks 2 much and gets mean. And my Aunt is mad at me because she kept jumping down my throat when I took her 2 see bout getting her phone fixed again. I was trying to be nice but don't take shit from people anymore and can't, I am too sensitive and emotional, unfortunately!! She was taking her frustrations out on me and that's just not fair. Nobody deserves that, especially the state of mind I am in now!! Then my other so- called friend is mad because I am talking to that stupid guy.!!? I didn't bother with anyone before except my boyfriend, who was my best friend and soothed my nerves. And this is why. Now I am mostly alone all the time and self medicate with melatonin and a nerve pill, after 101/2 months almost!! I am usually in a fog and want to be numb and sedated 2 kill the pain of this life!! I might even start drinking vodka to hurry myself along to join my Schweety or big Daddy I so need!!! Sorry 4you all and if so negative, can't help it, blessings!!!

Well, I have made two trips to the cemetery. I took the roses out there this evening. (It was a bit humorous to realize that I had placed the Christmas poinsettias on someone else's territory. At least I think! Not totally sure. I guess it doesn't really matter.) Then I forgot to take the jug of water that had the plant food in it, so I had to use my bottled water I had in the car. Talk about widow's fog, huh?!? Also, I had roses left over, so I made my own bouquet for the house.

Before going there, I went by the credit union to take his name off the accounts. That was a deal! The lady was quite rude; she actually wanted me to just close it out because there wasn't much in it. I had to open a new account, which I thought was stupid since I took the DC. She asked me if I had a nice weekend, and I told her no I didn't.

Was at two grocery stores and still didn't buy eggs...

Hi,shewearsblack,
I haven't lost a spouse but I was reading your posts and so sorry for your lost.
I would like to apologize for the insensitivity in the world today.This is why
support groups like DS are so beneficial.It helps all who partake.Nice to meet you, my name is Osheana. Sorry under such circumstances.And like cliffskat
said I would have had you over if you lived nearby as well Big hugs.What happened with the eggs- dont tell me another recall-

Martha,
Your such a warm and caring person! I read everything you write and I think your amazing! If you ever get to Illinois please stop by, we’ll have a beer or two and cuss up a storm! Lol.... Hugs my friend.