I can't believe it has been one year since I lost my husband and my best friend. He died Nov 2016 and a part of me still feels unconvinced that this is my life now yet this year is going to be the second Cristmas without him.

I decided before that I will not put up holiday decorations just like last year. Last year we spent the holidays with my parents and we will do the same this year. But the other day, my 5 yr old daughter asked me if we can look at some of our photobooks and I said of course. But before she opened it, she asked me first if I will cry if we looked at the pictures (in the past I always end up crying when we look at pics and videos). That question almost made me cry...here is my precious little girl, only 4 years old when she lost her dad and at 5 years old she is trying to be considerate of how I am going to feel. I decided then that after looking at the pictures we will take out the Christmas tree, play some holiday songs and let her decide what decorations to put. We ended up making our own decorations for the tree, she drew and colored pictures, I cut and put strings. We even chose some family pictures to use as decorations. 

After one year of emotional roller coaster, my heart still hurts and I still miss him everyday. But now my grief is dwelling more on all the memories that my daughter will never make with her dad and all the milestones he will never get to share with her. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be enough...if I can ever make up for her not having a dad. She is a happy child but death has touched her life at such a young age. I heard her playing one time and she said that her dinosaur has died already and went to heaven. She still includes her dad when she draws a picture of our family and I try to talk to her about her dad as often as she is receptive. I want her to remember him but I already notice she can't remember a lot about her dad anymore. This breaks my heart all over again.