Yep, the lack of "gumption" is surely the issue. It might also be known as "depression" or lack of "motivation", due to the pain and loneliness that we all experience. Hard to do what we did because we had a life when the chores now seem like just taking care of stuff, instead of a home. pj1952

Michele,
It's perfectly fine to need help....we all need help....can't do this All alone.
What kinda help? Do you need emotional help, physical, help, (as in labourers to come in and sort out, the yard and catch up with everything that You alone, couldn't possibly be expected to do in the last few years. Your priorities have been caregiving and complete devotion to your husband. Many, if Not a All of us here have reached that point of needing help.
If you can afford outside help, good. If not, get all the family together,
Make a long list of Chores and start doing each step a bit at a time.
Just knowing you have support and other people helping, will get the ball rolling .
Let your friends and family know, Just how important this is to you; in order for you to survive, this phase of your grieving....
The fact that you are Not Sleeping and have No gumption are big Red
Flags...you should communicate to them all. Just how OVERWHELMED, and desperate you feel.
Things do 't have to be done all at once but they will get done slowly,
If, You all make a plan and get on the same page!!
I know what it's like to try and do it All alone..I am Glad you have realized that too!
Loads of hugs....Sandra

No, you are not going crazy. My house looks like a tornado went through it...I start trying to clean something or fix something and I keep thinking 'what's the point?' I have been getting a little better at cleaning...I never was a good housekeeper...but everything has gone to shit since my husband passed away. For me, there are deeper issues surrounding cleaning the house...
My son is autistic, and has some issues with hygiene that I have to keep up with, that I still keep up with..that's about the only think that hasn't changed with regard to 'cleaning'...May 2014, some teacher from his school called the ministry and told them that my son was neglected, which was total bullshit. They said he was covered in bruises, and was coming to school without lunch. I sent lunch every day, and he had maybe one bruise. Although the social worker looked at him and agreed that he didn't look abused or whatever, she thought the house was messy. So the harassment started...meanwhile, my husband wasn't well...we tried to tell them nicely that this wasn't a good time, my husband told them that he had to see to his health issues...their response? A letter threatening to take my 18 year old son away. Fuckers..I even tried to tell this stupid bitch that he was 18...she said that they are involved until he is 19...I tried to explain that when I was 18 I wasn't even living at home, so ? But, they need to make their 'living', right? Anyway...the night I called the ambulance my husband was going nuts, due to his condition...at the time we didn't know that he was in acute liver failure, and that it affects the mind...he was trying to pull electrical fixtures and cables out of the wall, throwing pills around, wheeling around outside yelling 'help'...Since he hadn't been drinking, I knew that something was terribly wrong, and called the ambulance. The cops showed up first...why? God only knows...My husband was at the door still yelling 'help' as the cop stood in the living room telling him to come back in...the cop was standing right in front of him at that point, and all I could think of is how close his gun was to my husband, and was paranoid that in his state, he would try to reach for it. They left, my husband refused to go to the hospital, and continued his path of destruction. So I called again...finally, they took him under the mental health act, but the cop that came this time was a real bastard. He went through our drawers, looked at the state of the house, figured that it was always in disarray and assumed that those pills on the floor were common place..So what did he do? He called the social services...long story, sorry...but they started harassing us about the house again. My husband was dying in the hospital, and I had to attend some stupid meeting at the child snatchers office about the house instead of being by his side. I remember thinking 'if he dies while I am up here, I will go nuts and trash the office and that social worker'...he hung on for two more months. I guess the other issue is that I had arranged for home hospice. I was cleaning the shit out of the house so that the public health nurse would approve his coming home. Was doing good...then he took a turn for the worse...was practically in a coma..and the doctor cancelled it, saying that looking after him at this point would be 24/7, and didn't feel I could cope with both him and my son. Tom passed away in March, in a hospice, where neither of us wanted him to be...
I am able to do laundry, take care of my son's needs and do up a few dishes and take out garbage..but everything else looks like shit. I need to get it together, because if anyone ever came in here adult protective services will likely be called,and my son removed. To make matters worse, these so called social workers were supposed to find him a day program..still waiting..so he is home with me every day...I take him out with me but I need a break and so does he.
Speaking of going to pot...I work at home on the internet, and I'm presently on welfare, because I can't go out to work because there is no one to take care of my son. I do little in the line of work now, basically sitting there, smoking weed and playing video games. I'm 45 years old, it's pathetic ..I'm afraid to ask for help, because every time I do, it goes bad. There is more to this sordid story, but I have taken up enough time as it is...most of it involving ministry involvement...or harassment...
I'm sorry for the long rambling reply, Michele...but I do know where you are coming from, how hard things are when you are depressed about losing the most important person in your life If you can get some help with things, go for it...I know how hard it is...take care...Wendi

your not weak and your not nuts..Its ok to need help..I'm very much the same kind of person that gets embarrassed because im perfectly capable of doing all of the things around my house that need doing..but,I had to hire a "personal move management and home organization" company to come in and help me clean out several of the rooms in my house to "kickstart" my progress on getting it ready for sale..

I simply couldnt go in my wifes crafting room for even 5 minutes without crying.. we had a huge "storage room" full of stuff...my garage was full of stuff..

all too overwhelming...I've hired a lawn service..I hired that organization company...i've hired a "junk hauler" - i realized its not embarrassing when i mentioned in to them, and they said dont be..they work with people in my situation all the time and totally understand..

they cleaned out so much stuff in just 1 day that it was "liberating"

maybe see if theres a local church youth group of something that can come over and do the yard work in exchange for pizza/soft drinks... perhaps look into one of these organization companies..its not cheap..but the sanity it saved me was worth the price..

Michele (and all who wrote here) - please, please, don't beat yourselves up about this. Sometimes I would stop dead in my tracks and think to myself, "exactly what is the f-cking point?" Many times, actually. Lack of motivation is a biggie with grief. From what I've felt, and shared, and heard from others, this is a common feeling - and unless the Health Dept is coming to your house, I wouldn't stress it. Do what you have to do and when you can do it. It's not a weakness to feel this way. Death of a spouse is a huge trauma, both emotionally and physically, especially if you've been a caregiver prior. And I don't give a shit about what the "experts" say about a timeline. Don't even get me started on that! Hugs, Marsha

I understand where your coming from, where your all coming from. I seem to need help with putting everything away after my recent move. But wait! I cant do it. I'm starting to think I need to contact one of those clutter, hording shows. I just can't seem to do a thing and it's getting worse. I don't take care of business and am unable to pay bills etc.. I would love to help all of you but find it hard to function.

There are alot of us who do need help. It's amazing how much I let go during my husbands five year illness, especially the last two years, when he was having so much done and we were running everywhere to try to get him well, or at least remission ! I would try to do things but never seemed to be able to finish unless I just loaded up trash bags and took to Good Will, or sent to the trash service. I look around and still see so much clutter and needing to dust and vaccume and my craft/sewing room is piled up with so much stuff that I need to put away until I am emotionally able to do some sewing, it use to be fun to do these things and I did enjoy being in my own little world. All that is gone for now, but I hope to someday be stable enough to do those things again. My garage has just enough room for the car and for me to get in and out of !lol It;s been so very hot here and I just can't be out in the heat with my health issues, it's not worth getting sick or having a heart attack over !!! I wish there were some places that you all could call on for help with the clutter as I know it does bother me, just not badly enough to do something about it. You would think that these places that some of you have dealt with would help you find some organization to help you instead of being a-holes and giving you greaf, like we don't need anymore of that !!. How very cruel they have been to you !!!They have no consicence, no human skills or they wouldn't treat people who are in a bad way like they have treated you !!! I am so greatfull that I do have at least one person who I can depend on, and I try not to over-ask too much of him, but he is a blessing to me !! No one should have to go thru this alone but I know some of you are and I am so sad for you !!

Ruthann

I am so sorry.... I hired lawn people in Spring, so I thought I could keep up afterwards. Nope.... Sadly, a year ago, my oldest became separated from his wife. Moved in with me. He and I got together and decluddered and cut everything down. He fixed and painted the house. Bless him... He fixes everything around here. No, I cant loan him out.....lol

Michele,
Sometimes when I read your posts, I think that you are reading my mind! Everything has "gotten away from me" as well. I finally started... this week... tackling some of the "clutter" inside the house. Shane and the kids always seemed to be packrats.... and I have been going through closets and cupboards... one (or part of one) at a time. My flowerbeds look like hell... and I do plan to start on those... but have not found that "gumption" yet either.
Sometimes it is necessary to ask for help... something I had NEVER before done. I always had Shane, and he was my very own Superman. It is foreign to ask someone else... and I am unsure who to "hire" for anything because we have never hired anything done... home repairs, construction, remodeling, auto repairs, lawn care, landscaping,.... that was Shane and I. Mostly Shane with the more difficult stuff. These waters are scary, but I think we would all be surprised at the number of people who would be willing to help... Hugs

You are not nuts my friend, Being scatter brained is normal in our new unwanted lives. I have the same problem. I have some physical limitations and my husband was always there to help and do what needed done if I couldn't. He even helped me get in and out of the tub and when he died I had to learn to do that a different way. As for the yard I have my son but our lawnmowers have broken down, weed eater blew up, and my overgrown weeds are making the landlord mad. The first time I had to take my car in for service I about lost my mind. Im not stupid but he did all of that himself we never had to go to a garage. I hired a cleaning person to come in once a month to help keep up on the inside stuff because I get overwhelmed very quickly and then I have a meltdown. I feel like an idiot but I have come to the point where I know I need to just deal with each thing in parts because anymore than that throws me over the edge. Consider hiring someone to get you to a managable point and then you might feel more like doing the up keep. HUGS

Everything is a big decision. Hire, do it yourself, not do it, those decision take so much out of me. Anyway I hired a yard clean up company and now doing the maintenance is something i can handle. I have hired a contractor to fix all the inside stuff in case i decide to sell my home. I hired a cleaning lady to come and clean the basement after my son moved out. You shouldn't feel you are less just because you can't do it all. You had a partner to do some of the work, to think that you should be able to do everything inside and out while going through life's most devastating loss is not realistic. So ask for help! Big hug Patti

Oh sweetie, we ALL need help in one way or another. but most of us need very similar kinds of help.
If I could afford it, I would start hiring people to start on one thing at a time- for things that I don't feel too private about.
One of the first hard things I had to do was, 3 days after he died when our yard worker showed up here I had to walk outside and tell him my husband died and I could not afford to pay him to work anymore.
Maybe if you just look at ONE thing at a time (if you can afford it), that job may feel more like you are succeeding at coping with something- NOT failing. I think it's very brave to get help, because I know it isn't easy making that first step.
We are all a wreck but that's normal in grief.

Oh, I so can relate to your post..... my husband passed away about 10 months ago and I feel so overwhelmed with a million things that need done and I just don't know where to start. I have a large house and a large yard and I am not able to keep it all up. I really want to put the house up for sale and move into a condo or smaller house but I have so much to do first in order to do this.

Not only do I need to purge clothing and clean up the basement, but there are many things that need to be sold - lots of yard equipment and "guy stuff" that I don't even feel knowledgeable enough to know its worth and sell without getting ripped off. Yes, I do have family and friends that can help with all this, but I still have to have the energy and discipline to start and lead/participate in this process. I also have a ton of paperwork to sort thru, file and act on, including filing my 2014 taxes. Some of these tasks can be hired out, but a lot of these things only I can do.

I am really having trouble getting things done and moving forward. I work full time and have family and friends, but several family members are dealing with some serious health issues now and it just seems that we are all pretty "needy" right now.

How does one get on and get into action through this grieving process??

Thank you all for your wonderful thoughts. The lack of energy just pisses me off. I finally sent out and S.O.S. and my dear son in law showed up with some contraption that cut through my massive eight feet weeds that have taken over my back yard! Bless his heart. The man is a workhorse and there is nothing he can't do. I just hate having to ask cuz he has so much to do at the home they just bought. I have been working in my flower (weed) garden most of the morning and am making progress. Had lots of rain last night so the temp isn't bad, but the humidity is horrendous. Would certainly make it easier if I was in better shape. Oh well, add that to my list of shit to do. lol So I work a little, cry a little then take a break. Trying to concentrate on one thing at a time. Multi tasking doesn't seem to work much as I am so scatter brained. But I will keep at it. Rome wasn't built in a day. Maybe by the time the snow flys I will be caught up outside.. Hugs to all, Michele

Take a list of those people you believe could help you with such as going through clutter one room at a time
Box, categorize: things cannot use, things might, things will use
You can still keep them just box them in one room -
The garage in my house was the worse. After 3 years got it somewhat manageable and still have some things to do. BUT much better so I can get tools etc in some organized manner.
Unless of course I use it and forget where I put it.
I got those hooks/ bricks to make shelves with old boards...categorized. After 5 years now I am still going through things in boxes as its now getting time...but at least with putting in boxes you began to be organized.
Lawn and outside work. CONTACT a local Lions club organization ask if they have members who help do those things. And put in a request for some help.
BUT most of all do not stress. One cupboard at a time, one corner at a time to one room to one section of lawn...