I feel what you are going through Mac. But for me it was a choice. For some reason I have recently found select family and friends that are worthwhile my time. You are not missing out; they are. Because if you really think about it-whatever you are going through right now you are analyzing everyday. And everyday you wake up and continue your struggles. Yes you may struggle a lot through madness, anger, and even sadness. But you go through it because I go through it almost every minute. Trust me I have shown my distaste and anger in this site. But there are so many people here that will give you the perspective and hopefully advise that you may need. My point take care of you-those people will come along hopefully one day. And yes having select new friends may help. I will be going overseas again. But I will check my email once in a while and if you need someone to just chat and a strong hand to cling on-you got it bro.

M

Macbook,
I know, many of us do, how you feel. When I read your post, I dug up something I wrote to a similar post several months ago.

I have a similar problem with my husband's family. He has no siblings. But he had 2 cousins that he was very close to. I considered his cousin Yvonne to be more of a sister to him. When he was alive, she and I weren't close, but friendly and cordial. She slept many nights in our home. Occasionally (two or three times in 13 years) one of us called the other to talk.
Well, the day I buried my husband was the last day I spoke to any of them. My last words to them were, "Drive safely. Call me when you get home."
I guess they are still on I-95.
My husband left Yvonne a house (paid for- free and clear) and money which she did not need me to have access to.
He left his other cousin a car, which he had painstakingly rebuilt over 4 years, and cherished.
His cousins call Powell's other friends and I understand they have lengthy conversations.
More than 200 peeople attended my husband's funeral. There were many who told me "I'll call you soon...We'll get together soon...I'll come over...We'll go out..." I can count on one hand how many have called, come over, or asked to get together.
I was very bothered by this in the early days. Now, not so much. In bereavement, we discussed this as "secondary loss." Besides losing your spouse, you might also lose the connection with his or our family/friends.
One day I may call them. Or I may not.

In one of my bereavement sessions the facilitator said that sometimes the people who we count on the most let us down and are not there to support us. And sometimes, people who we did not expect to be there for us, show up and help us through. This is exactly what happened to me. After my husband's death, a college friend who I hadn't really spoken to in 30 years started calling daily to check on me. He listened to my crying for weeks. He gently talked me through the really bad spots. He can make me laugh with his silly takes on life and his daily anecdotes. Who would have thought?

The update...I saw many of my husband's friends at a recent funeral. The same ones who said they'd call, they'd be there, they'd stop over. 11 months. None of them did. It was VERY awkward seeing them. I left during the repast. Nobody even invited me to join them at their table. I cried bitterly for 3 days. They NEVER would have treated my husband and me that way. They would have welcomed him / us with open arms. I saw that without him, I'm not one of them.
I went to therapy...cried some more, and then put it behind me. And until I read your post, I haven't thought about it since.
I know that you WILL get past it. Not now, perhaps, but you will.

Well I guess I never realized that this is how it goes for us.
I would like to think I would be the one to help a friend/relative thru something like this, but it seems it is human nature to run away.
Its not right that those who say they are the closest to me, are never to be found, especially the friends/family we spent the most time with.
My Mother-in-law especially hurt me when she said she wanted me to give a painting to xxxxxx because she wanted it to "stay in the family" It was a particularly beautiful, and somewhat valuable piece that had been her wedding gift to us. I did hand over the painting, and then I never heard from her again.
I guess I know Im not "in the family" huh?
Yes, I get mad, yes I get sad, and it seems I am always lonely.
I guess thats enough whining for now
Mac

Mac,
I also know a little of what you are going through. Our friends are all very happily married couples, whom we always did things with.
A few of them have been so caring and continue to reach out to me with such love and compassion.

But others... have made themselves pretty scarce. I think they don't know what to do with a 'single'. Can't play cards with only 3 people... can't really enjoy going to dinner with 3, etc.

I have joned some widow/ widower groups and have found some wonderful new friends... and this DS site has given me some of my new BEST friends in the world!!! I love the friends on DS!!
Hang in there Mac. It seems like we have to step outside of our comfort zone.... and for me that is difficult, but getting easier and easier with time.
I feel for you and pray God will send you special friends!
Hugs Linda

This is one of the most common experiences among us it seems. I've posted on it several times myself. It's just so hard to loss so much so quickly.

It's especially painful because it can't be explained. There really is no excuse for such behavior. And it's particularly cruel that at the time we need these people the most, their gone.

I'm currently participating in a grief support group called "Grief Share" at a church in my town. It has been a great experience and I would highly recommend it. You might want to see if there is a group scheduled to start in your area. It's nice to spend time with others who understand what we're going through and has been helpful with the grief process.

I know how you feel Macbook..my wife died on 041411 and of all the promises that were made to me of support after she died, only a few actually contacted me after a month had passed. I got-one person who had dinner with me twice but I have not seen or heard from for several weeks..although she was one of my wife's best friends she no longer returns my calls or calls me; another friend that called me twice and wanted to go to a parade with me but refuses to call me back; another friend that initially cooked and brought over a meal(which was extremely nice) for me, but doesn't call..a very close family member of my wife's who went out with me once, came over to visit once , but I have not heard from for well over a month..another family member who sent me a letter over a month ago I have never heard from again, another famly member who emailed me once but I have never heard from again. That is it from all the people and all the promises that were made to me after my wife died. The thing that really hurts was the broken promise of me being included in my wife's family that were made to me after she died and I receive no invitation to their summer gatherings(which I know that they have every year). All I can say is thank the heavens for my own family whom have been absolutely wonderful to me & who call me just about every other day; if it weren't for them I know I would've gone over the edge.
It really seems that with the passage of time my love for my dead wife has increased, & along with that my grief over her death. Its such a tragedy that so many people don't realize how badly they are needed 2+ months down the line when the death of a dear loved one occurs.
God bless, Mac, & know that you are indeed not alone.

The same happened to me. That's one of the hard parts about being a widow: you lose the spouse and then the friends along with a way of life.

I think Cliffskat said it best that grief rewrites your address book. Everyone made promises to me at the memorial that they would be there no matter what! I can count 8 out of 400 plus that really are. the rest do fall off one by one, and the hurt is TOUGH!

At least the ones that are left, are the ones worth their weight in gold! Weird thing is, is that if this ever does happen to them, I still would be there for them, because I wouldn't wish that hurt on anyone.

Saddest part, is that its only then that they will realize just what you have been going through. Cruel that you only do realize when you lose your love.

Many hugs to you, and hopes for your new work friends to become even BETTER friends!!!

Diane

Oh Mac-I read this at such an appropriate time. Today is the fourth of July and we used to spend every fourth and every new year with our best friends. Not a phone call or anything. I have kids but it isn't the same as having lifetime friends disappear at the same time as you lose your spouse. I feel so lost and like I don't belong anywhere. My heart goes out to you this evening. I have not seen any of our friends for almost a year now. Finding new friends at my age seems like an overwhelming task:[
Hugs

I don't know whether our raw grief makes them aware that it "could have been them" or just the fact that you are no longer part of a couple in what is predominately a couples world......whatever the case.....it is a real eye-opener to the newly grieving and it is another heartbreaking loss on top of the original loss. I don't come as often as I did at first, but DS was the place that brought me the most comfort in the early dark months of grieving. Here it was safe to say the things my family and the friends that did stay around would not be able to understand and here that many strangers reached out to "help" and here that everyone "got" how very difficult the journey is. Every aspect of your life changed at that moment of death and you can never go back to what it was.......but......the journey will become easier and you will eventually meet new people and find your way back to the land of the living. It just takes time....and though you are probably impatient now.....time will heal you and bring you to a place that once again, although different, will become comfortable and the hurt from all the changes won't matter as much as it does now. Just hang on.......you will get there.

i know what you mean....yesterday the forth...all my family was busy on their own...other family was busy...friends with their familys or working...soo i was left here alone, trying to get through the day by myslef. and my kitties....i did, was boring and hard, went to bed very early...not much to do....his, family hasent wanted anything to do with me since we burried him...but there is nothing i can do about that...it was their choice......my family has always been there for me and for that i am blessed....its very hard for me to meet new people, so very hard to go out anywheres alone...even though its been past two years....i hate it, i hate going places alone, most of the time....i hope you find new people that are caring...and loving.....my thought are with you.

I have very few actual friends. Frances and I had even fewer together as we were happy with each other(most of the time, ya know) It's an adjustment I sure didn't want to make, but was given anyway.

i could have written this--i know exactly how you feel. if someone asks me how i am i just say ok, because it's what they want to hear. if you say anything else, it makes them uncomfortable and they tend to avoid you afterwards. people think grief has a time limit, and that after a year, everything is ok in your life, but they are so wrong. after 16 months, i have come to the conclusion that there are always going to be things that will bring it all back. we are not the same people we were "before". but hopefully we will all make it through. at least the people on here understand the feelings we have and don't consider us outcasts. i have made some new friends and have had to let some of the old ones go. it hurts, but i guess it is part of the process.

This happened to me too. A few married friends still shine around but not as often and it's different now. I have made new friends and one is a widow and another was someone from my past who was widowed years ago. I seem to have so much more in common with my widow friends. What really gets me is Jim so admired his friends and they just dump me when he dies.