hey there eight, sometimes, I wake up forgetting that he has passed away, until I look over to his urn, and then go, oh crap its not just a nightmare. Sean is gone forever, and I cant ever have or get him back I have the normal woulda, coulda shoulda....but that indubiably doesnt change anything. Ive had two people say, what if that was seans purpose. To leave this earth having been totally given and received his true love, and to have loved me, and show me there is such a thing as true love. Life doesnt change anything, but in the same breath it changes everything. Life, is but a choice. I choose life, to live it with dignity, integrity, loyalty, and peace and to know that my husband would be proud that even though he isnt here with me, that maybe, just maybe sometime down the road, someone would or could make me happy as he did even if its just a close companion, and not a husband again.. He would want me to laugh, and relax, and not worry so much... Its because of him, Ive become a bettter more loving person. So therefore I will carry on in his name, love, faith, hope, and trust.. in god, myself, our girls, and in others as well. Much love and hugs carla

Carla already answered your question, but let me write a passage about possibilities that she so succinctly summarized it as "coulda, woulda, shoulda"

It reminds me of this question: "If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?". The answer would appear to be very intuitive, but when you think about it: To hear a tree falling requires three parties, the tree, air (to transmit the sound), and the person (hearing entity). If no one is there, then the condition to make sound is incomplete, and therefore cannot be proven or unproven.

Albert Einstein is reported to have asked his fellow physicist and friend Niels Bohr, one of the founding fathers of quantum mechanics, whether he realistically believed that 'the moon does not exist if nobody is looking at it.' To this Bohr replied that however hard he (Einstein) may try, he would not be able to prove that it does, thus giving the entire riddle the status of a kind of an infallible conjectureone that cannot be either proved or disproved.

To which, let me ask this question - does Heaven exist if nobody can see it? Are the conditions still the same as Earth? Can the spirit maintain the same personality and memories when the person was alive? Was there only one life? Were there multiple lives, and if so, were the people in the immediate past mattered more than the distant lives? The questions go on and on...

But how does knowing all of these help? Does it not still feel like my loved one got abducted by an UFO to an unknown planet that we don't know if they're happy or well? Did my will to live not collapse just like the tragic 9/11 event, when the Twin Towers got hit by the planes that were known as death?

So what do we do? The only thing that was real and was seen and heard and experienced was the time we had with our loved ones - the memory. And the current reality that we are living in now. We continue to carry the love and kindness in our hearts, as that had been proven to bring happiness.

I apologize if my words offended anyone.

Rain...it's interesting that you bring up the hypothetical scenarios that have been discussed by the quantum mechanics...not too long ago, I was on the internet researching NDE's (Near Death Experiences), and after awhile the Youtube sidebar started to include some videos involving theoretical physics...I cannot remember exactly which video it was, but the crux of the discussion was the search for alternative dimensions beyond the three physical dimensions...it gets complicated to say the least.
The three physical dimensions are height, width, and depth...if you have ever played the game "jacks" as a kid, the little jacks pieces illustrate the three dimensions well...I have heard it said that the distinction between the three physical dimensions is that three straight lines intersect each other at a 90-degree angle...bang your brain with it some time, and you will see how impossible it would be for a fourth line to pass through that intersection and still maintain the 90-degree angle...which raises the possibility that any dimension beyond the three physical dimensions would be as hard (impossible) for the mind to comprehend as infinity itself.
But the question the theoretical physicists are posing to themselves and each other is.."is awareness a phenomena that is created by the mind...or is awareness something that originates somewhere beyond the mind, like maybe a sort of universal-awareness...which implies the existence of an intelligent -design to the universe...or God?"
More questions than answers, to be sure.
But one thing I think we can all be sure of, is the love we shared with the one who went before us...and whoever designed us that way, must have done it for some ultimate reason.

Yes I was abandoned. That is very hard to say, it hurts. I say it because after Donald died his best friend just had to tell me that Don had told him over two years earlier that he knew he had cancer. Now Don did not have a diagnosis from a doctor. He said this to his friend because he knew there was a change and he felt pain. Don had been a very heavy drinker for many years before we met. He had cirrhosis of the liver. As the years went by without alcohol his liver enzymes were getting better and better. His VA doctor praised him on his sobriety and his continuing improvement in his health she also cautioned him that his chances of cancer were high so he was to let her know if he ever even just felt something was wrong.
This doctor at the Houston VA was really good and if he had ever said anything she would have run a battery of tests. So in 2010 we planned to move to a farm in Indiana. I wanted him to see his doctor and he refused. He said he would need to get established in Indiana VA system and he did not want to go thru lab tests again and again. This is the same time frame he was telling his friend he had cancer. As it turned out two years later he fell and fractured his hip. VA put pins in but he was in a lot of pain and did not look good. The not so very good IN VA doc kept getting lab work back with values that seemed off or wrong and kept doing more and more lab work this went on for months till Ortho docs wanted to do hip replacement and during that pre-op evaluation is when his lab was really looked at. After physical exam he was sent for further testing and we were told he had terminal liver cancer and also throat cancer. So here is the what if...what if Don had told the VA Doc in Houston? I feel certain she would have done the proper tests and would have gotten him on treatments immediately. I believe Don might have had a chance to survive. Don's choice not to tell me and not to go to the doctor was him abandoning me. I wrote in a different post in regard to anger that yes I had anger. This is why. I can not understand why he chose to move me so very far away from my family, friends and job and away from his really good Doc just to let a cancer grow unchecked inside him and then die. It has taken me 3 years of soul searching, praying, meditating, crying... well you know... just to get some peace into my soul. He left me torn up, confused, very confused and angry. All I ever wanted was to put him up on a pedestal and hold him out as my bright shinning star. My angel. And he is my angel and my love and miss him so very much. It has taken 3 years to get past the anger and confusion to once again be able to focus on the love I felt for him. I may never know the truth of did Don love me, how much did he love me...I can only know for sure that I loved him to the very depth of my soul and that is beautiful and what I now focus on.
So the question goes...if I fall in love again am I abandoning Don? No. I have infinite ability to love. I loved others before Don. Each love is its own personality they are not the same. Experiences shared are not the same. Each is different. I believe to feel and express love is what makes us human and unique and beautiful. I believe to love is sharing some of the beauty I experienced in my relationships. It is a way of honoring those that we have loved.

My husband was a very difficult person, his entire life. After 42 years married, I gave up thinking he would someday appreciate the love he had. He knew he was dying as he was on hospice. Yet he remained aloof and difficult to the end. The moment he died I felt complete love, appreciation, and peace coming from him. That was the last thing in the world I expected. He had no faith, made fun of mine. I have had so many blatant signs since, I know he is finally happy. I don't care why it happens, how it happens, what makes it happen etc. I know they are near us, wanting only our happiness and peace. I'm very early in this new journey and may crash, but I keep feeling his new self with me and have to smile.

I also want to mention that, with great respect and admiration to your strong faith and love towards your wife, please treat your happiness as a bank account. Believing in reunion in afterlife is like buying speculative stocks. Please spare some thoughts to balance it with some fixed income investments (ie. small happiness.. whatever they are) so it would allow you to carry on until that great day comes, when everything goes north and your dream comes true.

Once again, I apologize to anyone who find this thought offensive.

Rain, you are battin' 1000 tonite! The stock market is the analogy I give anyone who is having the "woulda-coulda-shoulda's", you know, they are feeling guilt because they were not able to predict the future...if there is a sure-cure for that guilt, it would be the stock market...there is no better teacher on this planet, that the human animal was NOT designed to predict the future!
You give good conversation, you know that?

Hey Eghty8,
Ditto to everything you wrote,. I went thru the why did you leave part also and went thru a few days of being angry at her. But like you pointed out it wasn't her idea and remembering what a major jerk I had been at times over the years, she could have left anytime, but she did stay with me out of a leap faith and unconditional love. More blessed than I could ever deserve. I can't stand to hear folks ask when did she die. My wife didn't die, she went thru a transition into her spirit body in the spiritual realm to live for eternity waiting for my lazy tail to come along when it's time. We will all see them again on that day.
Peace, Tim

Tim, we sure have our faith, and the love of The One who went before us, to keep us strong in this journey, do we not?

Yes we do and we can't let them down even as hard as this is. We have both been blessed.
Peace, Tim

Hello everyone I am very new here in this "unchosen club" I think I get lonliness confused with part of grief .....not sure why so many myself included feel we have a choice in our pre chosen destiny of death. I loved my husband Dan so deeply that of course the pain is deep with grief as painful and guilty I may feel some days I know in my geart thatI am the only one who can walk out my own salvation ,fulfill my destiny to the best of my ability .....I choose to use the discernment of my faith, my God,my Lord and Savior to know that Dan is with God and and because I believe I will someday at the end of my journey here in the flesh that I will see my beloved again.....blessed...also FYI have a book Im reading its called "Heaven" by Randy Alcorn very interesting from a Christian point of view thanks for the topic I can relate

I don't think you should ever stop believing in her either. I believe that my husband did and would have done anything to stay with me. We were together since we were young and like you said no one held a gun to our heads to stay. We loved eachother. I don't feel he abandoned me but I do feel like I got screwed (pardon my language) out of our life together. Not sure who I pissed off to deserve that but apparently I made someone mad. I often feel like I'm being punished for all the things I should have done better in our marriage. Not sure if that's the case but its how I feel. I could have done things better and said I loved him more and how much I appreciated him more and how proud of him I was. Blah blah blah.

It seems to me you are doing what you need to do to survive and that's all we can do. Stick together and take this journey side by side

Hugs

Lisa

Lisa...I sure went through the "woulda-coulda-shoulda's" just like you and Britt, thank you both for your input...but I came to realize that in order for me to be truly guilty of the things I regret, would have required me to be able to predict the future, and we humans just ain't built that way...raininseattle backed me up a little with my stock market analogy earlier...if there's any doubt in anyone's mind that humans are NOT capable of predicting the future, the stock market will give you the very definite (AND expensive) truth of it. (Rain, sounds like both of us have been to that party!)

Britt...I gave the book "Heaven" a look on Amazon, where I usually read some of the customer reviews...thank you for bringing that forth, I think that one is definitely going to be my next read (I am awaiting delivery of "Everlasting Love" by Patrick Mathews right now)...I have believed for a long time that all of us are destined for the "Home Our Lord Has Prepared For Us"...from the reviews I've read, it sounds like "Heaven" takes that to the next level...Thank You Again!

Some people calls the stock market the school of hard knocks, which is very true... a lot of market participants are under-educated, under-funded, and undertook too much risk. No hospital would allow anyone to touch a patient if he/she hasn't gone through years of medical school training, but yet no brokerage account will stop a newbie from opening an account and trade right away. It is insane when you think about it. I am not in the camp of random-walk theory... if that were the case nobody can build any trading machines to profit, which you see it everywhere nowadays. So someone must have found out some way to make a profit. But that's a big subject and it's out of the scope of this forum.

I just re-read the entire thread to think if I could make a point more clearly. I sent a message MyBoots earlier that in the movie, "The Notebook", in the last scene where James Garner and Gena Rowlands died together on the same night in the same hospital bed was pure fantasy. We all live in this world where everyone's life expectancy is a human lottery. If anyone wants to leave his/her spouse I can imagine many easier ways to leave than "wanting to die" just to abandon the spouse. To put out a silly analogy, you don't burn down your own house just to get rid of your annoying neighbor. So I am quite sure your wife continues to love you.

As a result, somebody gets to hold the bag. One partner of the couple gets to suffer the pain of widowhood. Is it fair? I don't know. But grief is within the package of love. As for whether the decreased partner will be in the proverbial castle waiting for his/her hero/heroin to save/join him/her, I don't know. I have seen the Long Island medium shows. I have read some afterlife materials. Maybe they'll send us a message once in a while as they see things. That's why I mention that "if a tree fell in an island where no one was there, does it make a sound" question. I do want to meet my partner when I leave this world. I did mention it a few times during and after her passing, and will continue to pray for such. But it is a wish and not a promise.

I am with the mindset to cheer for people who can find a new partner who can bring them happiness and renewal in life. I believe each of us have different destiny. We carry on the love and kindness of deceased partner. We are built to love, and have journeys set to us by God. Sometimes life leads us to the strangest of places. I mean, isn't the definition of faith to have the trust whatever life unfolds to you?