Oh how I know how you feel. I am at 10 months and at 8 months I thought I felt real good then all of a sudden it hit again with a vengence. I do like going to work it keeps my mind occupied. Thankfuly I work with very understanding and compasionate people. They did not know my Tim as I had to move from CA to CO. They allow me to tell them about Tim which gets me some release. I have started having a drink before bed to help me sleep and smoking again. I am not proud of that but it's what works for me right now. I started eating better this week and that has given me hope that I am on the right path.
I pray for you to have strength.
Hugs, Sandi

After my husband passed, I didn't want to be around anyone. I loved my job also, but getting up, dressed and out the door took a lot of strength and effort to do. All I wanted to do was to crawl in a hole and seal it. Total darkness and isolation was all I craved. I just wanted to scream "Don't bother me."

Grief is exhausting, so it is no wonder you are tired. Be kind to yourself. It is OK to cry. Actually crying is healthy for it releases the pressure we have built up inside. I didn't know my body held so much water. That's how much I cried.

You don't want to be at work, you don't want to be at home. Actually, you don't really know where you want to be. I guess I may have summed it up.

Hello,
I'm so sorry for both of your losses. What you are going thru with crying and being so tired is normal. I am at almost 19 months. For the first 4-5 months that is all I did as well. I would come to work, felt like I was on auto pilot, left the office and got in my car and just cried. I'd go home fix myself a bowl of cereal, or waffles and crawl into bed and watch brainless tv and cry myself to sleep. I finally pulled myself out of that rut and went to grief support group which helped tremendously mainly b/c I found three new friends who were in the same time frame as me and we were able to share with each other what works. Just give yourself time, and allow the tears to flow, they help to release all the pain and sadness. Just be sure to drink plenty of water as loss of tears is dehydrating.
I hope both of you consider grief support it really helps to share with people who are traveling the same journey. I wish the best for both of you. Lynn

Hi,
I feel the same way lately too. I am at just shy of 8 months and the last few weeks are like that for me, I would rather sleep in til afternoon than go to work and I too enjoyed my job. I hope this too will pass in time. Peace and Love to you and fight on.
Laurie

My husband died 3 1/2 months ago. it is such a crazy roller coaster. Went to do some volunteer hours and was grateful just to get out of the house this morning. Afterwards, went to our local department store to look for shoes I need for a wedding I am going to next week. (oh to get through a wedding now, another whole story.). I started to walk in the store and looked up and saw the men's department and immediately the tears were coming down and then started crying. I just turned around and left the store. I don't know when the heck all this crying will stop, or does it ever. I will never stop missing my husband.

I am in the same place too at the moment. Just completely exhausted, and everything is a massive effort. I have to force myself to do the simplest things and keep forgetting stuff (and I was well known for juggling so many things at the same time - now I can't even do one sometimes). I went back to work after 2 weeks, mainly as a distraction and work colleagues and clients have been so kind and patient but I know I am not giving anywhere near full value.
I have taken the view (read here on DS I think though it might be one of the many books that I've read on grief) that we should treat ourselves as if we've just come out of Intensive Care and need a long period to recuperate with lots of rest. This makes sense to me.
I'm weary of crying but suspect it's necessary and am just hanging in for this wave to pass, and hope the next one waits for a while to arrive.
Hang in there.
Sandy

Erin, I believe what you're feeling is normal. At least that's what I would like to think. I can't go to the dr as I have no health ins so I wonder about my health (actually I don't wonder I worry) all the time. I have though spoken with lots of friends who have lost loved ones who tell me that my aches and pains are normal and that I have PTSD. Can you believe that? I will say this though, it feels like PTSD.
I want to say this honey too, if it weren't for the constant need of four little ones, I would still be in bed and I'd never move. That's how I feel 24/7 no matter what I'm doing. I'm laughing, crying, scrubbing floors, bath tubs, running here and there, doesn't matter. I'm thinking how I want to just crawl into bed and never come out. My energy level has bottomed out and I know I don't eat right, I KNOW THIS. Good heavens if someone says that to me one more time....it changes you honey. It changes your brain literally changes the way your brain functions. Look it up, its true. Statistics show that heart attacks and lots of things happen to people like us in the first year who aren't taking care of themselves, or who have lost the will. I urge you to rest, rest rest rest. I do when I can, I have to. Sometimes I literally fall into bed and I pray that the nights are long so I can sleep as long as possible. I completely understand. It comes in waves sweetie, it comes, it goes, it comes stronger, not so strong, just whatever it does you take care of you.
I'm preaching to myself here, always preaching to myself.
Love,
Cindy

Boy you just described my day. I cried all day, had to go to the bank & of course cried there. I can't even say my husband recently died, without starting to cry. Songs on the radio, like you said, it doesn't take much to make me tear up. After I was done with my errands, I came home & just layed on the bed & cried. I was exhausted today & wanted to go to bed at 7:30pm but I forced myself to stay up. Who cares if I was crying atleast I didn't go to bed. I know the feeling of just wanting to crawl under the covers. I also am on antidepressants plus Xanax. I was trying not to take the Xanax but seems like I am taking it more now than when I first lost my husband. But we are strong, so hang in there. Each day is hard, but there is always tomorrow & hopefully one of these tomorrows will be a good day.

Somebody here once said that grieving was like digging ditches for 12 hours a day - it takes everything out of you. It's not emotional OR physical; it's emotional AND physical.

I had the incredible exhaustion, too. I was working a high stress job, and I was a single Mom. It didn't feel like double-duty - it felt like quadruple duty. I had days where I just wanted the world to leave me the >bleep< alone so I could sleep or cry myself to death. Or both.

I am wondering if you are so drained that your Adderall is basically kicking your butt now. You may need to see your doctor to get your dosage adjusted down rather than up. I have checked and sleepiness on Adderall is a common side effect when the dosage needs adjusting. Just a thought.

If it's not that, then there are some simple things you can do to fight back - and you are in a fight for yourself now. First, and forgive me if I sound like your mother, all right? - are you (a) eating enough; (b) drinking enough water/juices; (c) taking vitamins? There are crucial vitamins that can be depleted by grieving/stress, and they will affect your energy levels, your ability to think clearly, your ability to handle stress, and the quality of your sleep. Remember, this is an AND situation, not an OR situation. My advice is to be taking a multivitamin with minerals, you are going to need extra especially of Vitamin B (the whole complex, but especially B12), Vitamin D, Calcium, and Magnesium. You don't have to get anything fancy - if you have kids vitamins around, typically two of those equals one adult vitamin - you can check the labels. My favorite adult vitamins were always the ones from Target that were gummy vitamins, they also had gummy calciums - I hate taking pills, so sometimes chewables were better for me. You will probably also need at least 16 ounces of additional water/juices a day. Dehydration will make you feel exhausted. If you get dehydrated, your mind fogs. I had the foggy thinking, and I got so dehydrated that I had severe muscle cramps and charley horses. Not fun. I never dreamed I could cry so danged much....

If you are already taking these nutritional precautions, sleeping at least 7 hours a night, eating healthy, and you are still exhausted, then it may be that you need to get checked for anemia or another physical condition. But you can try the nutritional stuff first to see if that makes any differences for you. It is possible you need to have your meds adjusted.

I am in no way trying to diminish the emotional agony of what you are going through, or invalidate it or whatever. I just want you to know that there is a very real physical side to all of this, and it makes dealing with the emotional side that much harder. Those of us farther ahead on this path can all vouch for the fact that what you are feeling is common. I just want you to know that there are things you can do that may help you.

It won't always be this awful. Please hang in there and don't give up.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Oh, love - I'm sorry. Martha got here before me, because i was going to quote the "digging ditches" thing as well. It's very apt, and very true. This feeling will ebb and flow. But yes, give a check in to your doc to rule out any potential health conditions. Hugs, Marsha

I remember this so well. Any day I both bathed and dressed was a win. And I just wanted to sleep and then maybe have a nap just to mix things up a little. Grieving is the hardest work I have ever done. I missed some work days and just didn't care. (what's the bitch going to do - fire me?)
Things are better now, I have more energy, feel more positive and engaged in life and I didn't fire me. (just made some crude drawings of a disciplinary nature in my personnel file.)
Hang in there and take the great advice you got about seeing a doctor and taking extra good care of yourself.

Hope you feel better soon. ((()))