Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Today, I need a bit of a grumble. I need to fill in a lot official forms.
My first grumble is why as women do we have to choose between 3 status: Miss, Mrs, Ms. Of course I choose Mrs, then the second question is : single or married as on some forms there are no other alternative. I know that technically I should tick "single", as I have been advised Mr Officialdom, when I asked. The thing is I do feel married so I tick "married". What do you do?
My second grumble is that the status of widow is not an enviable one (for obvious reasons yo us) but also because of what society perceive us as. This week, trying to expand my social environment, I attended a lunch organised by a 50+ forum. It was a bit of a non-starter with me because even though I tried to integrate, I could not because all the people there had met before and I felt like the "ugly little duck of the story" and rather isolated. At one point during the lunch, one of the lady across to me mentioned that she attended an event and that she would not go back because it was "full of old widows". The meaning was quite derogatory. I was going to say something but I did not have the gumption to challenge that because I was reluctant to say that I was a widow. I did not feel like appearing as a "poor old widow". Shortly after, I made an early exit.
Thank you for listening to my early morning grumbles.
My first grumble is why as women do we have to choose between 3 status: Miss, Mrs, Ms. Of course I choose Mrs, then the second question is : single or married as on some forms there are no other alternative. I know that technically I should tick "single", as I have been advised Mr Officialdom, when I asked. The thing is I do feel married so I tick "married". What do you do?
My second grumble is that the status of widow is not an enviable one (for obvious reasons yo us) but also because of what society perceive us as. This week, trying to expand my social environment, I attended a lunch organised by a 50+ forum. It was a bit of a non-starter with me because even though I tried to integrate, I could not because all the people there had met before and I felt like the "ugly little duck of the story" and rather isolated. At one point during the lunch, one of the lady across to me mentioned that she attended an event and that she would not go back because it was "full of old widows". The meaning was quite derogatory. I was going to say something but I did not have the gumption to challenge that because I was reluctant to say that I was a widow. I did not feel like appearing as a "poor old widow". Shortly after, I made an early exit.
Thank you for listening to my early morning grumbles.
I am sorry you had such a thoughtless lunch companion. I think in time you will develop that gumption to speak up. At least I hope you do.
I have had a hard time with it as a foreigner here in England, as I am trying to fit in here and not make a big deal out of all my hardships. I have noticed when I get together with my book club - 9 ladies - if I mention my bereavement, they all squirm. The British are never comfortable discussing anything with any emotional content - it's just their way - culturally they are a thousand miles at the other end of the spectrum from us over-talkative Americans. We Yanks do it too much. But I never know how much or how little to say. Even though I have remarried, I still feel like your ugly duckling.
Widowhood/widowerhood changes your perspective on everything. I don't see the world and all that is in it in quite the same way as I did before Cliff died. I struggle not to let the crassness of others get to me. There is too little thoughtfulness in the world. And you discover just how little when you become a widow/er.
I am sorry that happened to you. I wish you were closer to Oxford - I'd love to show them what a "couple of old widows" is really like!
Love and Hugs,
Martha
This is so true Martha.
Yes, the forms are the worst. I think it may be a bit different here in the states. Nearly every form I have had to fill out has a box for "widow". The first time I ticked that box I was in my doctors office, and I just lost it. I don't have much trouble with Miss, Mrs. Ms thing though. I have always ticked Ms. on forms. Just never thought it was fair that our brothers got to be Mr. for all of their lives. Whereas, we sisters had to put our status out there at every moment.
But I do understand about still feeling married. Since my Jeff died, I have been going to various music venues (sounds nicer than bars :)) to hear friends of his play. This is something that I rarely did when he was alive, but since his death I have been going. Someone finally asked why I was going, and after some soul searching I realize I go because when I walk into those places everyone knows me, and more to the point, everyone know me as Jeff's wife. When I am there, I am still very "married", and it feels safe.
I give you a lot of credit for going out with those groups. I know it is hard, especially when you don't know anyone, that is what I have been avoiding, going out and just being Paula, not Paula Jeff's wife, or Paula (insert name of child)'s mom. Just plain old Paula.
As far as feeling like you don't fit in to the new group. If I may be so bold as to say, keep going back. I tend to have a lot of social anxiety, so when I don't feel like I fit in, I tend to run. But I have found it helpful to just keep going back to these groups, after the 2 or 3rd time, you will not be the odd man out, people will recognize you and you will feel more comfortable.
Thank you for this post, it got me thinking about the next step I must take.
Paula
As for a title, I'm ready to switch to Ms. I feel single. I can file joint this year on taxes, but that's it. It has taken time and practice with official forms, but I think I've got it down now, check single. Ha ha! At the dr last week, I checked widow, the receptionist asked me if I was married. I was pissy with a broken bone and snapped I'm a "widow." Probably contributing to the negative attitude towards widows everywhere. Sorry....
Reply: Don't worry you'll get there. or better than old divorcees!
okay my grumble out.
Best to all,
DorothyJoan
Mrs, it is. Married, it is; and Jewells, thank you for your witty repartee, should the occasion arise, I will use it.