One month ago was the last time I had hung out with Derrick. Tomorrow will mark one month since he was hit on the motorcycle.  I miss him everday, but some days are better than others.  I was able to spend Easter with his family yesterday.  My easter is actually next weekend (i'm orthodox), so our different easters  worked out well so we didn't have to split it between both our families.  

I still cannot believe he is gone.  I visit him at least twice a week.  His aunt recently left a little trinket box on his grave with a note for everyone to read, and they can add trinkets in there as well.  She left me a little note within her note, and i couldn't stop crying.  I sit there and just weep.  He's literally buried right there, six feet under. He's so close to me, yet so far.  

I can tell everything that has happened this past month has changed me so much.  I used to always hang out with my friends and have a great time, and now, if i try to go out with them, i'm just miserable because Derrick should be there with me. I'm no longer as carefree as I used to be, I feel very serious all the time, and am just always anxious now. I'm 22, I should be carefree while I still can be, but it looks like that's not the case anymore.  I'm in my first semester of graduate school, and I could care less about the assignments or even going to class right now.  

One good thing has happened recently though. I think Derrick has given me a sign (which is progress because almost all of his friends or family have been visited by him in their dreams or gotten several signs.  One of his friends made me feel better though, saying it's just as hard for Derrick to visit me or give me a sign as it is for me to lose him, but that i'll get one eventually.  He's saving the best for last, I was told).  Saturday night, my friends, Derricks friends, and I decided to go out to the Square (our little downtown place, literally the shape of a square, with about six bars amongst other shops).  I wasn't having fun, and had only had one beer by 1am, so I decided to Uber back to my friends house and go home from there.  I had ordered my uber (there were about 5 at the square at the time), and I sit down in the lady's car and tell her no matter what, she cannot go down Main St. (a very common street), as this is where my boyfriend was hit and killed a month ago, along with another friend, not even a quarter of a mile from where Derrick was hit, who was hit and killed as well. After I tell her this, I turn around to look out her rear window to help her pull out of the parking spot (parking at the square is a bitch, because it's hard to see when cars are coming) and on her rear window is a sticker that says "look twice save a life" with a motorcycle. Now, I know there may be a lot of these stickers in different designs, but she has the SAME exact one I have on my car.  She mentions the drive home how her first husband has been in several bike accidents, her son almost lost his leg in one, and just in general that she has lost a lot of biker friends throughout her life.  I took this as a sign because of the 5 ubers on the square, she is the one I got.  I'm just taking it as a little comfort knowing Derrick is still with me.  But I am still waiting for that visit.